Explaining mechanics of sex between same gender couples

[Anonymous]

My 5th grader, who thinks he might be gay, understands the basic mechanics of reproduction and sex between a man and a woman. He was recently asking me about how gay families create their families which I explained (we’ve talked about this before but maybe he forgot). The conversation then, somewhat naturally, led to him asking me how gay people have sex. As a cis, hetero woman with many gay friends and family members, I was surprised at how uncomfortable I was sharing these details - I wasn’t really uncomfortable in answering all of his other questions over the years about sex between a man and a woman. So, I recognize that this is revealing some implicit bias I have and I’m working through it. Does everyone agree that if it’s appropriate to answer questions about sex between opposite gender people than it’s also appropriate to provide similar age appropriate details re same sex couples? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I may be off base, but given the age and what they need to know at that point, can't you say that all couples no matter the gender kiss and touch, using their private parts? I don't think you need to get into too much graphic details just like you don't describe BJ/69 to 5th graders. Maybe when they're older? We had a similar question when our kid watched the Office and they mentioned gay sex. DC was confused because they didn't realize sex was for pleasure, just for reproduction (10 year old).

[Anonymous]

Totally appropriate. Push through your (understandable) discomfort and give him the information he’s looking for. I would note though that a much smaller percentage of gay couples have regular penetrative intercourse than straight couples. I forget the exact numbers, but for straight couples it’s like 95%, for gay male couples it’s like 70%? Worth checking. Basically if penetrative intercourse is unappealing to him, that doesn’t mean he’s not gay, and I think this is an opportunity to discuss other types of sexual interaction.

Sorry for the stilted language, trying not to get this thread flagged.

[Anonymous]

Definitely appropriate.

[Anonymous]

An old college friend used to say that it is one thing for friends to accept him as gay, another to accept that he has sex with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An old college friend used to say that it is one thing for friends to accept him as gay, another to accept that he has sex with men.

Well I guess he expects his friends to be homophobic if they can't accept he has sex with men. How is this helpful to OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be off base, but given the age and what they need to know at that point, can't you say that all couples no matter the gender kiss and touch, using their private parts? I don't think you need to get into too much graphic details just like you don't describe BJ/69 to 5th graders. Maybe when they're older? We had a similar question when our kid watched the Office and they mentioned gay sex. DC was confused because they didn't realize sex was for pleasure, just for reproduction (10 year old).

By the age of 10, most children know how penetrative heterosexual sex works. OP has made clear that she has told her son how that works. So, why hide how penetrative homosexual sex works? If the boy is disturbed, then maybe receptive homosexual sex isn’t for him.

[Anonymous]

Lol you trying to scare the gay away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol you trying to scare the gay away

So, if even gays find gay sex so gross that you believe describing it would scare a child, then I don’t know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you trying to scare the gay away

So, if even gays find gay sex so gross that you believe describing it would scare a child, then I don’t know what to say.

I can't think of many things that gay couples do that straight couples don't do too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An old college friend used to say that it is one thing for friends to accept him as gay, another to accept that he has sex with men.

Well I guess he expects his friends to be homophobic if they can't accept he has sex with men. How is this helpful to OP?

I didn’t think the dots needs to be connected, but maybe I was wrong. Op appears comfortable with her son being gay in a bring home his boyfriend, hold hands, get married, maybe kiss kind of way. But she hasn’t yet accepted that being gay isn’t just loving the same gender, it’s having sex with people of the same gender.

Being okay with one doesn’t necessarily mean being okay with the other. They are two separate steps. She will likely get there. The realization that she isn’t there yet is for a lot of people surprising. It’s not a judgment, just a point that’s it’s normal (and that she needs to work past it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you trying to scare the gay away

So, if even gays find gay sex so gross that you believe describing it would scare a child, then I don’t know what to say.

Ha! My son is pretty likely to be heterosexual and he still thinks that the mechanics of heterosexual sex are revolting.

And, as PP points out, there’s almost nothing that gay couples do that straight couples don’t also do.

[Anonymous]

I think that is too young to go into all the details about every possible permutation of sex, and presenting an edited version isn’t really helpful because it is inherently going to prioritize some sex acts over others.

This is what I would say:

“I explained how penises and vaginas work for creating babies, but that is only one small reason people have sex. Sex can be about making your body feel good or about connecting with someone you love and probably lots of other things too. And honestly nobody is really sure exactly what sex is because there are so many different ways bodies work. When you get older, and especially when you hit puberty, you will probably be interested in touching your body in ways that feel good to you. When you start dating, you will probably begin kissing and touching other people and you will decide together what kinds of touching and how much and where feel good to you both. Good sex happens when two people can communicate comfortably about what they like and (most importantly) what they don’t like.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that is too young to go into all the details about every possible permutation of sex, and presenting an edited version isn’t really helpful because it is inherently going to prioritize some sex acts over others.

This is what I would say:

“I explained how penises and vaginas work for creating babies, but that is only one small reason people have sex. Sex can be about making your body feel good or about connecting with someone you love and probably lots of other things too. And honestly nobody is really sure exactly what sex is because there are so many different ways bodies work. When you get older, and especially when you hit puberty, you will probably be interested in touching your body in ways that feel good to you. When you start dating, you will probably begin kissing and touching other people and you will decide together what kinds of touching and how much and where feel good to you both. Good sex happens when two people can communicate comfortably about what they like and (most importantly) what they don’t like.”

I think this is a great response.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure my parents were very happy to never be asked these questions. I just figured them out as I grew up.