Husbands who minimize issues with their parents

[Anonymous]

My whole family is very sick with covid, daycare is closed due to covid, I still have to telework. DH tells his parents how great we're doing and it's nbd. I mean we aren't hospitalized? Inlaws are now upset we didn't come for Christmas and they're blaming me. He does this ALL the time. When I have newborns, am super tired and am not doing well mentally, he tells them how wonderful we're doing and what an easy baby. Then they constantly tell me how lucky I am to have such an easy baby (DS was NOT an easy baby). Or when dd was hospitalized and we begged my parents to come help with the other kids so we could stay with her- he said it wasn't a big deal to his parents. It really makes me feel not seen. Instead of getting sympathy, they're usually indifferent to us and are annoyed that we haven't visited them. His parents are nice people and I think they want him to ask for help sometimes, but he never does. They were jealous that my parents were "invited" to visit when daycare was closed for week and we needed childcare coverage. (My parents know the daycare and school calendars and just plan to come pitch in during breaks)

Why does he do this?! DH clearly wants help because he's willing to ask my parents, but is never willing to ask his parents for help with anything. His parents are also 8 hours closer to us than my parents. Why is he incapable of telling the truth to them?

[Anonymous]

Are you ever included on the calls (Facebook or zoom)? This would be an easy way for you to set the record straight.

[Anonymous]

What has he said when you've asked him about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has he said when you've asked him about this?

This. “Bob, I overheard you say to your mother that everything was great here, when in fact, it’s not. We’re all sick with COVID and has to cancel Christmas. What’s up with you saying everything is great?”

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his parents are also low-key people who soldier through things and he’s worried they’ll be judgmental about OP being such a drama queen in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Weird. My husband is a doctor and unless someone's actively dying, "everything's fine", but he discloses infectious diagnoses and big medical news, of course. Don't know what your husband's thinking... is he ashamed that his family has Covid?

[Anonymous]

It’s probably best to just stay out of it and stop letting it bother you.

[Anonymous]

I tell people things are fine when they aren’t all the time. I find it exhausting when people tell me about problems I can’t solve. I don’t even tell my family when I‘m in the ER with my child, anxious and terrified, because what are they going to do? Text and call with questions and opinions, none of them useful, making me more anxious. It might be a personality difference, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My whole family is very sick with covid, daycare is closed due to covid, I still have to telework. DH tells his parents how great we're doing and it's nbd. I mean we aren't hospitalized? Inlaws are now upset we didn't come for Christmas and they're blaming me. He does this ALL the time. When I have newborns, am super tired and am not doing well mentally, he tells them how wonderful we're doing and what an easy baby. Then they constantly tell me how lucky I am to have such an easy baby (DS was NOT an easy baby). Or when dd was hospitalized and we begged my parents to come help with the other kids so we could stay with her- he said it wasn't a big deal to his parents. It really makes me feel not seen. Instead of getting sympathy, they're usually indifferent to us and are annoyed that we haven't visited them. His parents are nice people and I think they want him to ask for help sometimes, but he never does. They were jealous that my parents were "invited" to visit when daycare was closed for week and we needed childcare coverage. (My parents know the daycare and school calendars and just plan to come pitch in during breaks)

Why does he do this?! DH clearly wants help because he's willing to ask my parents, but is never willing to ask his parents for help with anything. His parents are also 8 hours closer to us than my parents. Why is he incapable of telling the truth to them?

It sounds like you make your parents the default- they know the daycare schedule the other parents do not, you begged your parents to come but did not ask his parents, etc. I bet you do a lot with your parents and not much with his. If you feel the record is not straight you need to set it straight- ie oh no the baby was not easy…I wish I had help, etc, etc. Don’t be the victim.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he doesn't really want to spend much time with his parents but he likes yours. That would be a win-win for the average DIL.

[Anonymous]

Inlaws are now upset we didn't come for Christmas and they're blaming me

How do you know this? It's another "husband problem" if he tells you this. There is no reason he should tell you this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell people things are fine when they aren’t all the time. I find it exhausting when people tell me about problems I can’t solve. I don’t even tell my family when I‘m in the ER with my child, anxious and terrified, because what are they going to do? Text and call with questions and opinions, none of them useful, making me more anxious. It might be a personality difference, OP.

+1. Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell people things are fine when they aren’t all the time. I find it exhausting when people tell me about problems I can’t solve. I don’t even tell my family when I‘m in the ER with my child, anxious and terrified, because what are they going to do? Text and call with questions and opinions, none of them useful, making me more anxious. It might be a personality difference, OP.

+1. Same.

That's a very unhealthy outlook - people share news to connect, listen and feel heard, and to give and receive get emotional support. It's critically important for mental health, whether you're on the giving or receiving end. Not everything needs to be SOLVED.

[Anonymous]

There are two dominant personalities when it comes to dealing with stress. One is avoidant and the other is vigilant. When the stress comes avoidant personalities minimize and say everything is fine. Vigilant folks scrutinize every detail and try to be on top of solutions. It’s just different styles, it doesn’t mean he’s less stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like his parents are also low-key people who soldier through things and he’s worried they’ll be judgmental about OP being such a drama queen in comparison.

+1