The beauty of having boundaries (extended family edition)

[Anonymous]

I was thinking about boundaries and how I wasn’t ever reared to have them, nor to feel entitled to draw them, and wondered if anyone could relate, anonymously.

We were the “best off” family financially among my mothers side; she alone worked to bring over multiple siblings and her parents from a poorer part of the world. She and one sister were the only siblings in a family of 12 kids to truly value and pursue higher education. My mom and dad were the only ones to only have as many kids as they could afford, and they routinely financially supported a scrum of her siblings and my cousins. As a consequence of these circumstances and my parents ferocious sense of self-effacing modesty, my brother and I were routinely treated like scum on their shoes by virtually all of our cousins. I was shy, and was regularly called names and ugly by older cousins, male and female, when I was a very little girl. One female cousin ransacked my room and stole from me and my mother when we were teens and at our house after our grandmother died; the same cousin falsely claimed (as far as me) that we’d both been sexually abused by another cousin; she did so after I’d started college and wouldn’t retract even after I told my parents that while I’d never pretend I could speak to her experience, that she was telling lies about me. And I have even worse examples. I moved away for college, worked for one year in DC before grad school, and have just put everyone who acted like this on ignore.

When I return to the DMV, to visit my elderly parents, I don’t want to interact with anyone else and I don’t. There are no relationships there and there can’t ever be any; I don’t value any of these people and never will. When my mom calls extended family on holidays and asks if I want to say hello to cousins who want to talk, I don’t. When she asks if we (DH, DD and I) want to go to family get-togethers, if it promises to be these people I always decline for us. When my cousins occasionally try to reach out, I don’t respond. To any of it. My mom finally - allegedly, according to her - finally told one of the more egregious monsters who always whines to my mom that I don’t reach out, “you’re not friends. My daughter never asks about you.” This is big news and a big joy for me, to see mom at her age picking up on how to push away and push back. I live quietly with a husband and daughter I treasure equally, and it’s taken me a long time to really internalize that the inner problems of people I happen to be related to were never my problem, that the reality that we were never rich, never “unfairly” lucky, would never register with them, and that I could just walk away. It’s so freeing. The only shame is the length of time it took for me to really believe this.

I was thinking about all of this because some of these bad memories can sometimes wash over me when I visit my parents’s home. But I wanted to post after reading the amazing post by the woman who finally came straight at her in-laws who have lied for years about a “gift on the way” for Christmas. To feel like you’re not trapped by lying relatives is a truly amazing feeling. Happy holidays to all (many in my family excepted from this.)

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad for you.

It is definitely freeing to set boundaries. When MIL asked if we all should call X (who had tried to steal something from me), I said that I didn’t need to talk to X. X has been difficult for the 25 years I’ve known her and drives everyone nuts. I tried to be nice because they seem to be mentally ill but the lying and second attempt at stealing was the final straw.

I hope your mom really did say that. You wrote “allegedly.” Even if not, it’s nice she told you she did, because she sees and recognizes the problem. Haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking about boundaries and how I wasn’t ever reared to have them, nor to feel entitled to draw them, and wondered if anyone could relate, anonymously.

We were the “best off” family financially among my mothers side; she alone worked to bring over multiple siblings and her parents from a poorer part of the world. She and one sister were the only siblings in a family of 12 kids to truly value and pursue higher education. My mom and dad were the only ones to only have as many kids as they could afford, and they routinely financially supported a scrum of her siblings and my cousins. As a consequence of these circumstances and my parents ferocious sense of self-effacing modesty, my brother and I were routinely treated like scum on their shoes by virtually all of our cousins. I was shy, and was regularly called names and ugly by older cousins, male and female, when I was a very little girl. One female cousin ransacked my room and stole from me and my mother when we were teens and at our house after our grandmother died; the same cousin falsely claimed (as far as me) that we’d both been sexually abused by another cousin; she did so after I’d started college and wouldn’t retract even after I told my parents that while I’d never pretend I could speak to her experience, that she was telling lies about me. And I have even worse examples. I moved away for college, worked for one year in DC before grad school, and have just put everyone who acted like this on ignore.

When I return to the DMV, to visit my elderly parents, I don’t want to interact with anyone else and I don’t. There are no relationships there and there can’t ever be any; I don’t value any of these people and never will. When my mom calls extended family on holidays and asks if I want to say hello to cousins who want to talk, I don’t. When she asks if we (DH, DD and I) want to go to family get-togethers, if it promises to be these people I always decline for us. When my cousins occasionally try to reach out, I don’t respond. To any of it. My mom finally - allegedly, according to her - finally told one of the more egregious monsters who always whines to my mom that I don’t reach out, “you’re not friends. My daughter never asks about you.” This is big news and a big joy for me, to see mom at her age picking up on how to push away and push back. I live quietly with a husband and daughter I treasure equally, and it’s taken me a long time to really internalize that the inner problems of people I happen to be related to were never my problem, that the reality that we were never rich, never “unfairly” lucky, would never register with them, and that I could just walk away. It’s so freeing. The only shame is the length of time it took for me to really believe this.

I was thinking about all of this because some of these bad memories can sometimes wash over me when I visit my parents’s home. But I wanted to post after reading the amazing post by the woman who finally came straight at her in-laws who have lied for years about a “gift on the way” for Christmas. To feel like you’re not trapped by lying relatives is a truly amazing feeling. Happy holidays to all (many in my family excepted from this.)

Congrats, op!