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My mom wants an extended visit: WWYD?
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Anonymous
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Background: DH and I took our 2 kids to ILs house for Thanksgiving, a 6-hour drive in bad traffic, and stayed four nights, leaving Sunday. Right after that, on Wednesday through the following Tuesday (6 nights), my sister/her husband/her 6 kids stayed with us for a family wedding (my side). My parents were also in town for that event, staying at a hotel, so we got to see them for rehearsal dinner and wedding, and for one other pizza dinner I hosted at my house. So, it’s already been a lot of family.
My parents are coming back for Christmas, which is fine. They arrive on the 23rd. Typically, they stay for about 5 nights, which is of course fine. What kept me going from Thanksgiving through the wedding chaos was knowing that at least Christmas would be low-key. My brother will also come over, but just for a day, as he lives fairly close by. Now, my mom is asking to stay from the 23rd through January 2 (!), in order to be around for my daughter’s birthday, which is on New Year’s Eve. That’s 10 freaking nights! My parents are generally very good house guests, but still. The idea 10 nights on top of all of this makes me want to cry. I talked to DH, and we are resolved to say: you can stay with us for 5 nights. If you want to stay in a hotel (or ask my brother to stay for a few nights, or ask my local aunt—mom’s sister—to stay for a few nights) and come back for the day of my daughter’s birthday, fine. But we can host 5 nights max. Am I wrong? I know she’s going to be hurt. I do think my Dad totally understands—he’s an introvert, and he also already was in the background reminding my mom that my ILs are also coming to stay with us a few weeks later in January, and we’ve already hosted a lot. It’s just too much, right? |
Anonymous
^^^I’m sorry! My sister’s FOUR kids; a total of 6 guests when sister was here. 
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Anonymous
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I would be dying at that long of a visit, but can't imagine telling her to get a hotel after 5 days? Can she split visit with your brother? Come 24-1 instead for 2 less nights?
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Anonymous
| 5 nights is already long. 10 is horrible. My il’s stayed that long Christmas 2018, and I’m still traumatized. |
Anonymous
| 5 is too long already. Do they have a problem with hotels? I can’t imagine imposing for so long. |
Anonymous
| It’s your mother. |
Anonymous
Thanks…the only problem with 24 is that the earliest they can arrive (it’s a long drive) is 5 p.m., and we have our one shot at an in-person church service at 6 p.m. that day. (My church only offers one in-person service on just the 24th, nothing on 25.) I guess I should just say, we can do 5 nights, and maybe you can ask brother or aunt if you can stay with them. I don’t want to put my brother or aunt on the spot, but technically, I wouldn’t be—my mom would be asking them, not me. I guess I shouldn’t say the word “hotel” since they complained a lot about paying for a hotel during the wedding when other relatives were staying with other local relatives, but my goodness—I was maxed out hosting 6, and my sister’s family had hellish plane rides and a rental car, etc. Sister NEEDED to stay with us, my mom and dad can well afford a hotel, they just are—if I’m frank—cheap about hotels. |
Anonymous
| Yeah no way. Tell her you are an introvert and cannot deal. |
Anonymous
Yes, I am indeed aware of that. Which is why I’m already paying attention to how stressed and stretched-thin I am and how overwhelmed I feel, and I don’t want to lose it on my mother. Which I may do if she and my dad are around for 10 days. -OP |
Anonymous
| You’re totally fine with this request. You shouldn’t feel bad at all. Tell them now and be done with it. Your mom will be fine. You don’t need to manage her feelings. She can do that. There’s nothing mean or disrespectful you’re doing here. It’s okay to set boundaries, even with your parents. |
Anonymous
| Tell them they can stay if they dan babysit one night so you and DH can have a date night and stay in a hotel….. a nice quiet hotel…. By yourselves. One night if that halfway thru might rejuvenate you enough for the rest of the visit? |
Anonymous
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Only you know how much you can take, OP. I've had bad conflicts with my mother, and she can be tough to deal with (always nagging and finding fault and pointing things out without doing anything herself), but I can stand living together for 2 weeks. After that, it's best not to prolong the intimacy
But you're the host, so you decide. |
Anonymous
| Why can't they stay 4 nights, go home for 4 nights and come back for 3 nights? |
Anonymous
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OP here. Now that the psycho has found the thread, I’m going to not check it again. Thank you to the helpful posters. Poster who suggested that DH and I go to a hotel ourselves for one night, I think you are on to something. Thank you for the idea!
-OP |
Anonymous
| It is fine to say you need to keep it to five nights. Plan an early birthday celebration for DD and GPS if it will help. |