How do I rectify this?

[Anonymous]

How do I rectify this situation?

I'm a 32 year old woman, and I've been a total dick to this very nice man who I went on a few days with 2 years ago. I was going through some stuff in my life (he was my first relationship after my 10 year marriage ended, so I was a mess), and I blew him off, ghosted him, and flaked out on several attempts we made to meet up for subsequent dates. Now that I've had 2 years to experience a mix of casual dating and being single, I recognize what an absolute gem he was. We spoke a few months ago, and he indicated he was still single, but I feel like I need a really grand gesture to get him to forgive him and give me another chance by going out with me.

I completely acknowledge I was a dumpster fire of a human to this man, so what would you say to get him to go out with you again?

[Anonymous]

I question the depth of your recovery if you think you need a really grand gesture to impress him. You owe him an apology, start by taking responsibility and saying what you learned and what you recognize and appreciate about his strengths and your shortcomings, and see what he says. He may give you another chance, but if he is smart, he won’t be impressed by your attempt to sweep him off his feet, whereas he may appreciate honesty, vulnerability, and integrity. I’m surprised you don’t already know this after ending a ten year marriage, OP, and it sounds like you have some maturing left to do. If he rejects you it will be because of what you haven’t yet learned , not what you have, and that is okay. You are still young and have more to learn. But don’t let a gem go without trying again. They are few and far between as you approach and pass 35.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need a grand gesture? Why can't you say what you just said here? You were through a tough time, you feel awful about how you acted, you're in a better place now and would love 💕 f he could give you another chance.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, grand gestures are cheap and reflect someone who thinks that you can prove your love by being noisy and embarrassing about it.

This is a perfect chance to demonstrate your acquired maturity by taking the time to acknowledge your past behavior, apologize for how it may have impacted him, and let him know you've done some work on yourself and get how to treat a partner more respectfully now. And if you are really interested in him, look into this being a conversation and really listen to what he has to say.

If you want a relationship with this guy, the best possible thing you can do is lay some groundwork for good communication accountability. Take it from an old married lady. Those grand gesture moment are about showing off to others. What you are talking about is just for the two of you. It should be intimate, not grand, and a lot more than a gesture.

[Anonymous]

Ask to meet him for coffee, show up this time and when you get there you sit down and you earnestly tell him what a dick you were with a minimum of excuses; if you’re both feeling it the next steps will be obvious.

No need to tell him that you now realize what a gem he was because his mind will go somewhere you don’t want it to; just be cool and say that you’ve been working on yourself and you wanted to square up some things back then that you felt bad about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I question the depth of your recovery if you think you need a really grand gesture to impress him. You owe him an apology, start by taking responsibility and saying what you learned and what you recognize and appreciate about his strengths and your shortcomings, and see what he says. He may give you another chance, but if he is smart, he won’t be impressed by your attempt to sweep him off his feet, whereas he may appreciate honesty, vulnerability, and integrity. I’m surprised you don’t already know this after ending a ten year marriage, OP, and it sounds like you have some maturing left to do. If he rejects you it will be because of what you haven’t yet learned , not what you have, and that is okay. You are still young and have more to learn. But don’t let a gem go without trying again. They are few and far between as you approach and pass 35.

eyeroll.
I hope you feel superior after your reply.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds like a rebound in the making, or someone getting desperate to lock it down because of a ticking biological clock. Your idea of a grand gesture sounds akin to the love bombing of a narcissist.

Let the guy find someone who is actually interested in him and respects him enough not to ghost him until all other opportunities are exhausted. Go find someone you are attracted to and respect enough not to treat like garbage.

[Anonymous]

You can’t. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone.

If someone blew me off after a few dates and TWO YEARS later wanted to reconcile after playing the field and realizing it sucks out there, I’d be super offended and tell them to pound sand. Especially if they were making grand gestures, that is so fake. I’d feel like, we went out a few times, you barely know me and just want me because the dating scene hasn’t been kind. I’m nobody’s Plan B.

[Anonymous]

I think you should meet up for coffee and explain your behavior. Do not ask to date him. Just apologize. And then see where things go. I hope you're in therapy, though, to make sure that you never repeat that behavior again. I was divorced at a similar age, and even if I didn't like someone after a few dates, I wouldn't have treated them like you say you did. You need to make sure you work on that.

[Anonymous]

If this guy agrees to see you again, he is a doormat with no spine. That said, if he does, there is no greater grand gesture than a BJ.

[Anonymous]

No grand gesture. No attempt to get him back. Just a brief sincere apology for the way you behaved and that it had nothing to do with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t. Move on.

They spoke a few months ago and he indicated that he was still single. He doesn’t sound like he never wants to be contacted by her again.

OP, if you’re ready to have a mature relationship where you treat this man decently, apologize and tell him what you said here. He can decide whether to give you another chance. If you might just end up flaking out on dates or ghosting him again, don’t reach out to him. He’s a person with feelings too.

[Anonymous]

He deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this guy agrees to see you again, he is a doormat with no spine. That said, if he does, there is no greater grand gesture than a BJ.

OP: I don’t know, I’m pretty hot.