Emotionally stunted parents

[Anonymous]

Can anyone else relate? My father is an alcoholic and what I would describe as emotionally stunted and immature. We were estranged for many years because of his behavior and only recently rekindled our relationship. I know that truthfully he retired from his job and is now lonely and bored. It has been fine and we’ve actually gotten along the last few months (at least via text, he lives in another state) until the holidays. He is now ignoring me because our sibling did not invite him to Thanksgiving. They have not spoken in over 10 years and he has made no effort to make things right. i’m not sure what he expected me to do? Invite him to their home? Host my own Thanksgiving just so that he could attend? He is also estranged from his own siblings and extended family so it’s not like he could go spend the holiday with them. I still empathize and I did wish him happy thanksgiving and invite him to come to my home for Christmas and he has thus far ignored my text. It just makes me so mad. My mom talks to him occasionally and said he thinks that we think we are all too good for him now. I extend an olive branch and this is what I get in return. He’s like a real life Frank Gallagher.

Somehow though it’s easier to just keep things friendly and minimal with him then it is to be angry with him. My kids have met him a few times and I’m like him so that makes it all the more complicated.

But sometimes I forget how abnormal this behavior is. Please share if you also have an awful parent.

[Anonymous]

Met a few times and they like him *

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's very common. Read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. I found it very enlightening.

I have to admit that every time I think I've worked through this, though, it comes back. I'm a parent now, too, and I feel like as I work to give my child a really loving, nurturing childhood, I am constantly reminded of the fact that I didn't have that. I saw my parents recently and managing their emotions and needs, especially my dad's, for several days really brought home to me how much I did that as a kid, how much of my personality essentially developed to facilitate that kind of relationship.

It's hard and often lonely. My consolation is that my own child will not have to live with this emptiness inside her all her life as I have (I hope, I'm working really hard at it). But it is very hard to come to terms with the fact that I will always have this need in me for the love of a parent and I may never be able to fill it. I'm working on "reparenting" now and I do think it helps but I'm middle aged and I think I may never feel whole.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care two sticks his feelings are hurt, but I would care about your mother being isolated from her family with this dynamic. Was she invited to the Thanksgiving? Do they live separately?

Years ago I cut off my mother for 6 months, and one reason we renewed contact is that my father has to stay with her (she is disabled) and I did not want him to suffer from too much isolation.

[Anonymous]

Child of alcoholic father here. Yep. He was neglectful but short of flat out abusive, never relied on him, had a distant relationship for childhood through early adulthood maybe seeing him a few times a year and now that he is retired, lonely and in very poor health he wants and expects more from our relationship. We keep it light but he has never been a dad to me, he’s now more like a kid to take care of and I have small kids of my own. I help when I can but I have needed help from a therapist to untangle feelings of guilt, resentment, and duty. He’s never come to terms with his role in creating a lot of hardship in my life and maintains the same selfish mindset that has propped up his alcoholism all along. Fun times!

[Anonymous]

and invite him to come to my home for Christmas

WTF?? He's an alcoholic. What's wrong with you, Op??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child of alcoholic father here. Yep. He was neglectful but short of flat out abusive, never relied on him, had a distant relationship for childhood through early adulthood maybe seeing him a few times a year and now that he is retired, lonely and in very poor health he wants and expects more from our relationship. We keep it light but he has never been a dad to me, he’s now more like a kid to take care of and I have small kids of my own. I help when I can but I have needed help from a therapist to untangle feelings of guilt, resentment, and duty. He’s never come to terms with his role in creating a lot of hardship in my life and maintains the same selfish mindset that has propped up his alcoholism all along. Fun times!

OP. Yes this describes our situation quite well so I totally sympathize. I hate you’re going through it also but sometimes it’s a relief to know there are others like him, and that it’s him and not me.

Sorry to clarify about my mother - they have been divorced since the mid 90s and I’m very close with her. She attended Thanksgiving with us like all holidays. She feels bad for my father for whatever reason which is why she calls to check up on him every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

and invite him to come to my home for Christmas

WTF?? He's an alcoholic. What's wrong with you, Op??

I know. He has at least gone from a mean 12 pack of beers a night drunk to a quiet, drink a bottle of wine and go to sleep at 7 type of drunk. I don’t think he would drink in front of me now but when he comes to visit he will stay with my mother and drink heavily before bed (so she says). Like another poster said he’s old and lonely now. He messed his life up in a lot of ways and not just with the drinking but with women and failed relationships etc. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

I also have a hurting heart this time of year due to difficult parents. I know your pain. You’re a great mom, take care of yourself first!