Siblings and Birthdays

[Anonymous]

Oh, I need some great advice. My infant is almost one year old. Presents from relatives have started arriving. We just received a box from diapers.com. My almost 3 year old freaked out when I told him the toys were for the baby's birthday. Of course I had no idea what was in the box and I thought DS1 was in the other room. How do you handle bdays and gifts when the older child is old enough to understand but not really stable enough (still toddler) to accept it is not their birthday gracefully. DS1 has a bday in July (3) and DS2 has a bday in May (1).

Should I get DS1 something small to distract him? Do I hold my ground and play up his bday? How do you handle it when bdays are so close and you are dealing with insane toddlers (ha)?

[Anonymous]

I think your older one is just going to have to learn that one his birthday, he will get some presents and when other people have birthdays (Mommy, Daddy, baby, friends, etc) they will get presents. Even if you gave him a special toy or gift, that won't guarantee that he still won't lose it on the baby's birthday when she is showered with gifts.

[Anonymous]

How about getting your older one to be excited about giving the younger one a gift? My oldest loves nothing more than to wrap a gift (just something they already have!). Mine are 4 & 3 and I haven't gone the route of buying a gift for the non-birthday child just for distraction. On the day of the birthday there's usually too much for one kid to play with so the other one can quietly play with one of them.

[Anonymous]

My kids usually get one or two small "unbirthday" presents (from grandparents) on their sibling's birthday. My grandmother did this for us, and it was very sweet--nothing as big or elaborate as for the birthday child, and even wrapped in a grocery bag in her case! This didn't continue forever, and I did learn that other people get to have special days when I don't get presents. (FWIW, at the last birthday in our house, the non-birthday kid was very gracious and uncomplaining. I do think the small unbirthday presents help young kids to deal with the focus being put especially on their siblings.)

[Anonymous]

You could get a stash for the older one. Or you could let him suck it up. Sorry that doesn't help you.

I'd say do the former for this year, then when older sibling is in school (more sharing, socialization, etc. going on) let him suck it up. That's what we did.

We still get questions and especially "score keeping" (sibling got a "big" present, whatever). You could explain that sibling asked for this and it was under a certain amount of money, so we said yes. (Can't blame Santa or whomever, in other words.) If you are inclined to explain. Essentially, we explain it "all comes out in the wash".

If you are like us, a lot of it might come from guilt of "taking away from" the first child? Even though we love all our children equal amounts, but not the same (if that makes sense). We're working on it ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Our 3 year old understand when her younger sister gets gifts for her birthday. You will get a few gifts on your b-day is what we told her. No way I would buy the non birthday kids a gift on the siblings b-day. I feel that just teaches them the wrong lesson. i am sure I will get flamed for that answer. Both my kids are still alive and fine with it all though

[Anonymous]

Like PP, I also do not buy my other children gifts if it's not their birthday.

My first two kids are just over a year apart (so I understand having an irrational toddler and a 1-yr old who's having a birthday) and then we have another one 3 yrs younger than #2. We have never given the other 2 kids a gift when it's not their birthday. I agree with the PP, I think it sends the wrong message. My kids don't want for anything, they get plenty of praise and attention for other things, and they don't need to "share the spotlight" when it's their sibling's birthday. They can live through a day of the focus being on their brother or sister; they'll get their turn on their birthday. I'd involve the non-birthday child in something fun like baking cupcakes or making a gift or card for the birthday child.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 siblings and I get presents. When DS was toddler, he was insistent that these were for him. My family is pretty good about having the right name on the box. So, I was able to tell him that the box wasn't addressed to him, but to me, so it's mine.

Of course, he wanted to open it! I left him do the box and I did my present. Later on, it just wasn't an issue. He actually gets a lot of notes and cards from my 2 sisters who live in another city, And now he actually works with DH to plan my"birthday party" which in recent years must have a pin the tail on the donkey game.

[Anonymous]

No presents for 3YO when baby turned 1YO. However, I did let 3YO invite three friends - and only three - to baby's bday party.

It's hard to keep reminding 3YO that the presents are ALL for baby. Am hoping this will get easier over the years.

[Anonymous]

We gave our older daughter (3 at the time) Anniversary of Becoming A Big Sister gifts at her sister's first birthday. The day her little sister was born was a big one for her that she takes great pride in. So celebrating it a year later was a milestone for her, too! I know it sounds silly, but she got clearly that it wasn't her birthday and most of the gifts were not for her, but that it was a special day for her, as well.
Now that little sister is about to turn 2, not sure what we're going to do!
And ditto on the older sibling being a part of the planning/gift giving for the little one. Our older daughter loves making and picking out gifts for her little sister, as well as being a part of plans and surprises.
Hope this helps!