Like but not Love

[Anonymous]

My mom likes me but doesn't love me, I think. She is interested in me in ways that it pertains to her. IE: it is important that my husband I attend Thanksgiving so *she* can have the day of her dreams. It is important that she sends me gifts/items for things that fit her vision of my life (never mind we live in a small NYC apartment). My parents are kind and generous and help out when it really matters (such as, logistics help for a complicated move) but my mom in particular isn't interested in me as a person. Doesn't seem to care about my own likes/dislikes or interests that I have that don't match up with her vision of what my life is or should be. Any deviation from 'the vision' is met with questioning and/or criticism. Anyone else? Is this narcissism? Or just Boomer parents being .... selfish Boomers?

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the “boomers” thing?

First of all, your parents care and help when it matters. I know it’s hard to understand, but they were separate people with lives of their own before your birth. They are still separate people with thoughts, dreams, and the like since your birth.

I think for some parents, especially older ones, it’s hard to understand that the works is different. They very much had a planned trajectory, due to no fault of their own. Thank goodness many of them broke out of it, but the training is still there.

Have you ever had a discussion with your mom about your ,Ike’s /preferences/ dislikes? She may care but not know how to approach it. Be kind - many of these women were cultured into the fact that women do xyz, and don’t have an opinion, even if they do.

Stop putting up divisions and start empathizing. Look at your part as an adult. How do you treat your mother? Are you someone she would like to get to know, or do you treat her and an exhausting relic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom likes me but doesn't love me, I think. She is interested in me in ways that it pertains to her. IE: it is important that my husband I attend Thanksgiving so *she* can have the day of her dreams. It is important that she sends me gifts/items for things that fit her vision of my life (never mind we live in a small NYC apartment). My parents are kind and generous and help out when it really matters (such as, logistics help for a complicated move) but my mom in particular isn't interested in me as a person. Doesn't seem to care about my own likes/dislikes or interests that I have that don't match up with her vision of what my life is or should be. Any deviation from 'the vision' is met with questioning and/or criticism. Anyone else? Is this narcissism? Or just Boomer parents being .... selfish Boomers?

Not enough info to go on.

From what you wrote, my mom was very similar. She never asked me what my hopes and dreams were, never paid attention when I told her and my dad stories from my work or my travels. She and my dad expected me to have a conventional life, i.e., get a college education, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. And as long as I did all that, she was fine with it. It was clear that I had different interests and sensibilities than her, but she was not spending any energy to find out about me as an individual, separate from my identity as her daughter.

All that said, I knew without a doubt that she loved me more than anything in the world, that she would die for me if need be. Her love language was service. She'd work herself haggard doing things for me, cooking my favorite meals even when she was tired, holding my newborn in the middle of the night so I could get some sleep. The list went on. Of course, she also had a tendency to do things that she thought I needed but in reality, my preference was otherwise. We butted heads most of my adult life b/c of her constant ignoring of my own wishes and imposing of her will on me, but deep down I knew she came from a place of love and caring.

[Anonymous]

What do you know about your mother? What are her hopes and dreams, beyond being your mother?