How did you find out your parent cheated on the other spouse?

[Anonymous]

How old were you? How did you feel about it then and now as a grown up? How did it affect your dating or married life? Would you or have you cheated? And by the way did you know who they cheated with?

I just found out a friend’s husband cheated with his sister in law. Destroying two families within one.

[Anonymous]

I was two when it happened. It was a woman who lived across the street. My dad left our family, she left hers, and they got married. At the time, I was too young to really understand. When I was older and understood somewhat, I didn't think I cared that much. When I had a son of my own, I realized that I was extremely angry at my father.

(One time, when I was an adult, my uncle told me about myself as a toddler being very confused and unhappy wondering where my daddy was. I had no memory of that time, but hearing it, I was so sad for that little boy.)

If anything, it's probably made me a better father and husband. I don't want to be him and, in any event, it's clear that his screwing around and breaking up his family didn't lead to a happier life for him.

[Anonymous]

Happened when I was an adult. The cheating parent told me. I believe my exact response was "Seriously? Get your s%%t together." Parents still married and in therapy.

Did not really effect my marriage other than doubling down on my commitment.

[Anonymous]

I was 11. We lived in a rural sort of town and my parents decided they should rent a small house in a town 2 hours away where there were excellent schools and other opportunities for extracurricular activities. My mother and I lived there and would go home every other weekend. My father would come to us on the other weekends.

One weekend we came home and my father took my mother aside to talk. Within an hour or two she came with red eyes and told me they had decided to separate, she was going back to our home and I was to return on Sunday.

After she left, my father talked to me and explained. He told me he was having an affair with X, a nurse (he was a doctor). Nurse had a fiance.... The affair had been going on for 2 months. He was very excited about it while telling - he had the gal to treat me like his fu...c*#%ing friend (we had a very close relationship), like expecting me to be happy for him or something like that.

I remember crying my heart out and telling him just that. I also remember telling him that I wanted to leave immediately to be with my mother as She needed me. He disagreed and I ended up staying with him the whole miserable weekend. But on that at least he was right because she did need that time alone to try to process things.

She had been completely blindsided. As a married adult with children of my own, I too would have preferred to be left alone for a couple of days under the same circumstances.

She died when I was just shy of 16yr-old and, looking back, I feel so sad for her. She had a miserable, sad life with curveball after curveball being thrown at her from the moment she was born.

[Anonymous]

This was about 25 years ago maybe? I was maybe 11 or 12, my dad left his emails open. I think at the time it was Craigslist emails to randos in areas where he was travelling. I broke the news to my mother a few days later (I couldn't keep it to myself). They ended up staying together with counseling and things appeared otherwise normal as long as I lived there through high school but have slept in separate bedrooms for the past several years so idk, I think they've both kind of just accepted life as roommates.

I am a woman and it's only brought paranoia to my adult relationships. I don't snoop or anything but I have thought a lot when my spouse travels in particular.

[Anonymous]

Back in the early days of cellphones, my dad asked me to check his voicemail and there was a voicemail from the other woman. He covered it up by saying, “oh my goodness, that’s the stalker woman who’s been stalking me! I don’t even know how she got my cell phone number!” I didn’t really believe him, but never told my mom until about a year later when he left my mom for said other woman. He did not end up together with other woman. I was about 13 when this happened, my dad was about 57.
Interestingly even though they are divorced now and he didn’t end up with OW he is much happier. My mom is very bitter. But I think I understand now, as an adult, why he left her.
It’s jaded me a bit. But we’re very close now.

[Anonymous]

I suspected it in my teens and 20's. My mom was in denial as people made comments to her and she denied it. She eventually told me and they separated.

[Anonymous]

A lot of adults inside and outside the family know and they found ways to let me know. And then my mom (who was cheated on) confirmed it. My relationship with my father (the cheater) has never recovered. After I found out, any attempt by him to parent me or tell me what not to do just seemed funny. Who was this loser, who couldn’t keep it in his pants, to tell me anything? On top of it, he had no remorse and tried to blame my mother. I hid my contempt until I left for college and then I was through.

25 years later, we communicate only through e-mail every two to three years. I haven’t seen him in real life or spoken to him on the phone in 15 years. He hasn’t met my husband and children and never will.

I don’t broadcast this in every day life, so only those in my family know. Even my closest friends don’t know I’m estranged from my father. IME kids who never forgive the cheating parent are A LOT more common than people realize. It’s just that family estrangement is stigmatized and kept a close secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 11. We lived in a rural sort of town and my parents decided they should rent a small house in a town 2 hours away where there were excellent schools and other opportunities for extracurricular activities. My mother and I lived there and would go home every other weekend. My father would come to us on the other weekends.

One weekend we came home and my father took my mother aside to talk. Within an hour or two she came with red eyes and told me they had decided to separate, she was going back to our home and I was to return on Sunday.

After she left, my father talked to me and explained. He told me he was having an affair with X, a nurse (he was a doctor). Nurse had a fiance.... The affair had been going on for 2 months. He was very excited about it while telling - he had the gal to treat me like his fu...c*#%ing friend (we had a very close relationship), like expecting me to be happy for him or something like that.

I remember crying my heart out and telling him just that. I also remember telling him that I wanted to leave immediately to be with my mother as She needed me. He disagreed and I ended up staying with him the whole miserable weekend. But on that at least he was right because she did need that time alone to try to process things.

She had been completely blindsided. As a married adult with children of my own, I too would have preferred to be left alone for a couple of days under the same circumstances.

She died when I was just shy of 16yr-old and, looking back, I feel so sad for her. She had a miserable, sad life with curveball after curveball being thrown at her from the moment she was born.

How did things go between you and your father after you found out and then after your mom died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 11. We lived in a rural sort of town and my parents decided they should rent a small house in a town 2 hours away where there were excellent schools and other opportunities for extracurricular activities. My mother and I lived there and would go home every other weekend. My father would come to us on the other weekends.

One weekend we came home and my father took my mother aside to talk. Within an hour or two she came with red eyes and told me they had decided to separate, she was going back to our home and I was to return on Sunday.

After she left, my father talked to me and explained. He told me he was having an affair with X, a nurse (he was a doctor). Nurse had a fiance.... The affair had been going on for 2 months. He was very excited about it while telling - he had the gal to treat me like his fu...c*#%ing friend (we had a very close relationship), like expecting me to be happy for him or something like that.

I remember crying my heart out and telling him just that. I also remember telling him that I wanted to leave immediately to be with my mother as She needed me. He disagreed and I ended up staying with him the whole miserable weekend. But on that at least he was right because she did need that time alone to try to process things.

She had been completely blindsided. As a married adult with children of my own, I too would have preferred to be left alone for a couple of days under the same circumstances.

She died when I was just shy of 16yr-old and, looking back, I feel so sad for her. She had a miserable, sad life with curveball after curveball being thrown at her from the moment she was born.

What was your relationship with your dad like afterwards? Did he marry the AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was two when it happened. It was a woman who lived across the street. My dad left our family, she left hers, and they got married. At the time, I was too young to really understand. When I was older and understood somewhat, I didn't think I cared that much. When I had a son of my own, I realized that I was extremely angry at my father.

(One time, when I was an adult, my uncle told me about myself as a toddler being very confused and unhappy wondering where my daddy was. I had no memory of that time, but hearing it, I was so sad for that little boy.)

If anything, it's probably made me a better father and husband. I don't want to be him and, in any event, it's clear that his screwing around and breaking up his family didn't lead to a happier life for him.

What’s your relationship with him like?

[Anonymous]

Dad had an affair with the PE teacher and left mom for her and started another family. She never accepted us and he allowed it to happen. I dont know my half siblings. I suffer from abandonment issues I’m trying to heal from, 45 years later still.
Mom still hates him. I’m indifferent.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my ex. His mom died suddenly at 50 and within a month, he called his dad to say hello and his dad asked him to be the best man at his wedding. His parents had been married 30 years and still had children at home. My ex never spoke to his dad again and really distanced himself from his family. We subsequently divorced and my kids don't know their grandfather.

[Anonymous]

When I was about ( I found some child support payment stuff. In my head at the time I played it off that it was related to my older sublings ( our parents had been divorced but remarried) I know it doesn't make sense but it was how I processed it at the time. When I was 14 my parents told me and my younger sibling the truth that my dad had outside kids and had cheated on my mom. He cheated on her througout the marriage and as I got older I noticed things like random calls from the AP trying to contact dad and upset my mom.

It was a mess.. I was initially bery angry at my dad. We had a complicated relationship largely about other things, I wish we had been able to talk more beffore he died.

As I've gotten older I can kind of understand why he did it he had a messed up childhood and despite his bravado low self esteem, and my mother is a difficult person , in many ways she's like a child and I can see how you wouldn't be attracted to someone who hadn't matured beyonf maybe 15 when you are in your 30s. I also think they married way to youn at barely 20, None of that makes cheating okay, but it's not as black and white as it use to be for me.

Rightly or wrongy I think it prevente me from having A Disney Princess view of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of adults inside and outside the family know and they found ways to let me know. And then my mom (who was cheated on) confirmed it. My relationship with my father (the cheater) has never recovered. After I found out, any attempt by him to parent me or tell me what not to do just seemed funny. Who was this loser, who couldn’t keep it in his pants, to tell me anything? On top of it, he had no remorse and tried to blame my mother. I hid my contempt until I left for college and then I was through.

25 years later, we communicate only through e-mail every two to three years. I haven’t seen him in real life or spoken to him on the phone in 15 years. He hasn’t met my husband and children and never will.

I don’t broadcast this in every day life, so only those in my family know. Even my closest friends don’t know I’m estranged from my father. IME kids who never forgive the cheating parent are A LOT more common than people realize. It’s just that family estrangement is stigmatized and kept a close secret.

This seems like a massive overreaction from a drama queen. He wanted to have sex with someone besides your mother, for possible reasons ranging from sympathetic to narcissistic, but regardless, it had nothing to do with his relationship with you.