Donor sperm Q

[Anonymous]

We are starting conversations around donor sperm as we are facing severe MFI.

DH shared being fine with it but he needs to work on accepting that open donor is more beneficial for the child in the long run.

He also casually brought up wanting the donor to look like me, so there was a good chance the child will resemble me and not a stranger.

I didn't even think about this, everything I have read says most people choose a donor with similar features to their partner.

DH is afraid the baby won't look like either of us and he would rather take out chances on resembling me.

Any thoughts? I know it's not a big deal and obviously not the main goal of this but I was stumped and not expecting this Q.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide, make sure you ask if the donor has been checked for social issues as well. I have friends who used 2 donors for their kids. The kids def look like the one that gave birth but one had adhd/autism ( no history on the moms side) and the other one had issues as well. You should focus more on that that than how the kids look for the amount of money you’re paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, make sure you ask if the donor has been checked for social issues as well. I have friends who used 2 donors for their kids. The kids def look like the one that gave birth but one had adhd/autism ( no history on the moms side) and the other one had issues as well. You should focus more on that that than how the kids look for the amount of money you’re paying.

This isn’t something you can really screen for. A lot of people weren’t diagnosed or don’t share that with family. When you use donor genetic material these are risks you have accept.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, people see what they expect to see. People will tell you that your kid looks like you, people will tell you that your kid looks like your husband. Choose whichever donor you and your husband like. I think you are on the right track by choosing a open ID donor. That’s what we did; it turns out that our kids is not particularly interested contacting the donor, but I will always have peace of mind knowing that the option is available and it’s not a huge mystery.

I personally know about a dozen kids who were conceived with the donor sperm. One of them is on the spectrum (and is a lovely talented, interesting kid). I know more kids than that who were conceived entirely with their parents’ genetic material and who are on the spectrum. In all cases, there was no family history. Agree with the previous poster that this isn’t something to screen for or worry about any more than you would when conceiving with your own genetic material.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, people see what they expect to see. People will tell you that your kid looks like you, people will tell you that your kid looks like your husband. Choose whichever donor you and your husband like. I think you are on the right track by choosing a open ID donor. That’s what we did; it turns out that our kids is not particularly interested contacting the donor, but I will always have peace of mind knowing that the option is available and it’s not a huge mystery.

I personally know about a dozen kids who were conceived with the donor sperm. One of them is on the spectrum (and is a lovely talented, interesting kid). I know more kids than that who were conceived entirely with their parents’ genetic material and who are on the spectrum. In all cases, there was no family history. Agree with the previous poster that this isn’t something to screen for or worry about any more than you would when conceiving with your own genetic material.
Good luck!

I agree with this. I have a friend who adopted two girls. I can’t tell you how many times people say “Your daughter looks so much like you!” They’re both white but are obviously unrelated. People see dimples and a big smile and they make the connection they want to make.

[Anonymous]

Op have you done the counseling session most or all clinics require before using donor material? My husband and I found it surpisingly helpful.

[Anonymous]

If you're going to be ultra picky look for a sperm bank with many donors. Your clinic may work with only some of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, make sure you ask if the donor has been checked for social issues as well. I have friends who used 2 donors for their kids. The kids def look like the one that gave birth but one had adhd/autism ( no history on the moms side) and the other one had issues as well. You should focus more on that that than how the kids look for the amount of money you’re paying.

This isn’t something you can really screen for. A lot of people weren’t diagnosed or don’t share that with family. When you use donor genetic material these are risks you have accept.

A friend of mine who works in the reproductive tech industry said very offhand, "that's why you don't go for the 'Ph.D. sperm.'" Don't know if there is research to back that up, but people in the industry seem to believe that selecting for extraordinary intelligence in a donor increases the chance of autism." [I say this as someone who used donor genetic material, is highly educated, and knows very little about assisted reproduction beyond my own experience.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op have you done the counseling session most or all clinics require before using donor material? My husband and I found it surpisingly helpful.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, make sure you ask if the donor has been checked for social issues as well. I have friends who used 2 donors for their kids. The kids def look like the one that gave birth but one had adhd/autism ( no history on the moms side) and the other one had issues as well. You should focus more on that that than how the kids look for the amount of money you’re paying.

This isn’t something you can really screen for. A lot of people weren’t diagnosed or don’t share that with family. When you use donor genetic material these are risks you have accept.

A friend of mine who works in the reproductive tech industry said very offhand, "that's why you don't go for the 'Ph.D. sperm.'" Don't know if there is research to back that up, but people in the industry seem to believe that selecting for extraordinary intelligence in a donor increases the chance of autism." [I say this as someone who used donor genetic material, is highly educated, and knows very little about assisted reproduction beyond my own experience.]

LOL my donor has a PhD... but like so do I and I just like school. I got the feeling from his interviews he was just donating bc he needed money while in school.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your husband on this. I'm not sure why it would be recommended that the child potentially look like a stranger rather than the mom. All other factors being equal, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband on this. I'm not sure why it would be recommended that the child potentially look like a stranger rather than the mom. All other factors being equal, of course.

Why not a man who looks like the dad?

A lot of people just pick the most attractive person that meets their requirements. I could see myself doing that too. If I was a short guy it would be hard not to pick the guy who’s 6’2” for example. And if I was a little chubby as a woman, I’d pick the athlete egg donor.