Kids having hard time with parents back to work

[Anonymous]

DH and I started going back to the office in early October and my kids, ages 3 and 7, are having a really hard time with the fact that they are seeing us so much less. We spent so much time together during Covid and despite how hard the isolation was for everyone, the quality family time was really amazing (don’t get me wrong, it was incredibly challenging too).

My kids are acting out a ton, extremely clingy and cry a lot about missing us so much. My older one is angry and very frustrated. We are only in the office 3 days each (and staggered) but we are gone from 8-5:30 and it feels like a lot. I totally get it and feel horrible that they feel this way, but short of one of us quitting our job (which just isn’t possible) there really isn’t anything we can do to change the fact that we work in an office that requires us to be in-person.

Prior to Covid DH and I were in the office 5 days a week for longer hours but the kids just didn’t know any different back then so it was what it was. But now that they’ve had a taste of us being around much more they hate when we are gone.

Anyone else going through this?

[Anonymous]

Do they hate that you’re gone, or are they just adjusting to a new routine? How long have you been back at the office?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they hate that you’re gone, or are they just adjusting to a new routine? How long have you been back at the office?

Oh sry, realize you said it’s been since October. Hmm well they might just be adjusting but a month seems long for adjusting.

[Anonymous]

Hear them and agree that you feel the same. Really listen to what they don’t like about you being back in the office because there might be small things you can change (could be something fixable like he doesn’t like rushing in the morning or nanny cuts sandwich wrong). Perhaps they have deeper fears about something happening to you.

[Anonymous]

What is the family schedule when you aren’t going into the office?

[Anonymous]

Are they in aftercare? I wonder if you can find a different care situation that is more "fun" or active.

Also, your youngest obviously doesn't remember pre-covid times and your eldest probably remembers less than you think. This is brand new and it's going to take time to adjust. I agree with PP's suggestion to be there with them, listen, and make family time. See if you can make some weekday rituals, and do a family activity every weekend. Don't schedule a lot of other stuff.

While I don't think you should change jobs because they're sad, if you liked WFH or think it would work better for your family, you could change jobs. I noticed you said "office" and not "hospital" so I wonder if a different arrangement is possible. I went to 80% telework when my eldest started school because DH had to work in person, and if I did too we'd never see our kids at all. Just a thought, not a guilt-trip.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m wondering if you and your spouse feel guilty about going back to work and your kids are picking up on that. When they whine about you being gone so much, how do you respond? Like a pp said, you should validate their feelings, but I also wouldn’t bend over backwards to make them feel better about it, it might just be prolonging their “suffering.” The more you apologize and try to compensate, the more they’re going to feel like you truly are abandoning them even though it sounds like you’ve made it so you both have a very reasonable schedule so you can spend time with them. Kids want what they can’t have, and it’s a long long road of that ahead of you. The quicker they understand that, ultimately the happier they’ll be because they won’t always be pining after the things they can’t have.

[Anonymous]

If I’m understanding correctly, they have a parent at home every day of the week but one, and even the other one going to the office is home at a reasonable time. Doesn’t sound bad at all. Two suggestions:
- Outside of work, devote plenty of time to them. Play, do chores together. Put your phones away
- The day that both of you have to be in the office, make it a tradition to always make their favorite meal or get their favorite takeout for dinner

[Anonymous]

Aren’t your kids (at least the older one) in school until 3-4pm anyway? I don’t see how this can be a problem…
Also, my kids (of similar ages) did not have this issue. I think you are feeling guilty (and you should not) and you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

I understand the 3 year old is probably at home with a nanny. But shouldn't the 7-year-old be in school? So what are they upset about? Was it a problem in September when school was back?

[Anonymous]

This is my fear OP. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My son (in K and 1st before Covid) did aftercare until about 6pm every day.
If we go back to that he will be really bummed out (and so will I!). I’m sorry. Any way to telework or stagger schedules more?
It’s hard, I hear you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I started going back to the office in early October and my kids, ages 3 and 7, are having a really hard time with the fact that they are seeing us so much less. We spent so much time together during Covid and despite how hard the isolation was for everyone, the quality family time was really amazing (don’t get me wrong, it was incredibly challenging too).

My kids are acting out a ton, extremely clingy and cry a lot about missing us so much. My older one is angry and very frustrated. We are only in the office 3 days each (and staggered) but we are gone from 8-5:30 and it feels like a lot. I totally get it and feel horrible that they feel this way, but short of one of us quitting our job (which just isn’t possible) there really isn’t anything we can do to change the fact that we work in an office that requires us to be in-person.

Prior to Covid DH and I were in the office 5 days a week for longer hours but the kids just didn’t know any different back then so it was what it was. But now that they’ve had a taste of us being around much more they hate when we are gone.

Anyone else going through this?

How big is the change- ie. how much more were they seeing you when you were WFH 5 days a week? Was it 5 mins every couple of hours or did you spend extended periods of time with them during the day?