Three Aspects of Your Relationship that You Love

[Anonymous]

I have been feeling severely disconnected from my spouse in the past year and decided to buy a book to help us explore our interests and connection with one another. The conversation was going decently and I received lukewarm responses from my partner regarding our preferred communication style, ideal date, songs that would describe our relationship, ultimate dreams for our marriage and so on, but I decided to forget on.
I got to a question about the three aspects about our relationship that he loved and he said he could only think of two- our love of sports, and love of our children. I asked if he had anymore and he paused and said "No. That's all that he could think of."
This did not make me feel good and I cried, which surprised both of us. He seemed apologetic, but still couldn't think of anything.
Am I overreacting? How would you feel?

[Anonymous]

I think it's unfair of you to buy a book to help you explore your interests and connect with each other and then get mad or judge his responses for not being what you think it should be.

[Anonymous]

Well, what three aspects do you love about your relationship?

Yes, you’re overreacting. He may need some more time to think. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or being in a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Slow it down. Maybe type one or two questions to respond to over a weekend. Rather than having him put on the spot when this was not his idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slow it down. Maybe type one or two questions to respond to over a weekend. Rather than having him put on the spot when this was not his idea.

This the rapid-fire questions are way too much, and then for you to get mad and cry when you don't like his answers, ridiculous. Grow up, this is liker middle school girlfriend behavior.

[Anonymous]

I would be upset too. But I think his lack of response may be less because there aren’t three things he likes in the relationship and more because he’s feeling coerced into this due to underlying issues. My suggestion — go out and do stuff that makes you happy separately of him. Remember what it’s like to feel joy and have fun. If you feel like it, seduce him from that place but don’t be clingy. He may relax once the dynamic between you relaxes, and this whole business of talking and connecting will come more naturally.

[Anonymous]

I have, what I consider to be a very good marriage. We are very connected and equally matched. I have no concerns.

HOWEVER, if I were to ask my husband to name three aspects of our relationship that he loved, I think I would be hurt or disappointed too. I never know what is going on in his head. Total mystery. When I go fishing for a response or reassurance, inevitably I'm left disappointed. He's good in other aspects, like just surprising me with acts of love. He provides what I need when I didn't know I needed it.

So stop fishing. I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but he likely needed more time to think or realize his response needed to be carefully considered.

[Anonymous]

He is male. This is not natural for him, it is a female trait to openly discuss emotions.

You're lucky he took part, mine would have stared blankly at me and then looked back at his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have, what I consider to be a very good marriage. We are very connected and equally matched. I have no concerns.

HOWEVER, if I were to ask my husband to name three aspects of our relationship that he loved, I think I would be hurt or disappointed too. I never know what is going on in his head. Total mystery. When I go fishing for a response or reassurance, inevitably I'm left disappointed. He's good in other aspects, like just surprising me with acts of love. He provides what I need when I didn't know I needed it.

So stop fishing. I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but he likely needed more time to think or realize his response needed to be carefully considered.

OP here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slow it down. Maybe type one or two questions to respond to over a weekend. Rather than having him put on the spot when this was not his idea.

OP here. That's a very fair point. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slow it down. Maybe type one or two questions to respond to over a weekend. Rather than having him put on the spot when this was not his idea.

I think I have the same book (recommended by our therapist) and you’re not supposed to race to the finish line. This can be a Sunday evening (or a Wednesday so you don’t compete with football) with a glass of wine and covering a page or two. That said, the only thing I love about my relationship right now is that DH can take care of the dog while I take little weekend trips. Pretty sure he doesn’t want to ask that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, what three aspects do you love about your relationship?

Yes, you’re overreacting. He may need some more time to think. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or being in a relationship with you.

OP here. You're right. He later asked me what I would say, I told him and he agreed with my points and said that he didn't think of the question in the same way that I did. It was definitely a good reminder that people have different ways of processing information and I need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slow it down. Maybe type one or two questions to respond to over a weekend. Rather than having him put on the spot when this was not his idea.

I think I have the same book (recommended by our therapist) and you’re not supposed to race to the finish line. This can be a Sunday evening (or a Wednesday so you don’t compete with football) with a glass of wine and covering a page or two. That said, the only thing I love about my relationship right now is that DH can take care of the dog while I take little weekend trips. Pretty sure he doesn’t want to ask that question.

Thanks so much for that perspective. I hope that you two get to a better place.