Has your kid written on a wall? If yes what did you do ?

[Anonymous]

I am aghast, a friend came over and her 4 year old drew on my wall. Ok shit happens, not the end of the world. What I am aghast about is her reaction, she apologized to me obviously but she barely said a thing to her kid « oh no sweety, please don’t do that, no no, pens are for paper » and gently sends kid off. And then proceed to explains that he did same at her house.

I have a kid the same age, and an older child, the first time I saw them hint at drawing somewhere else then designated area (wanting to draw onthe tabl or the floor to start) I made it VERY clear it was no ok. Big voice, a bit scary « NO! ». My kids wouldn’t DREAM of writing on a wall. Especially not the wall of someone ELSE! Had they still done that at her place for some weird reason, I would have imprinted a healthy fear of ever doing it again. And by that I mean I would have find it perfectly find to guilt trip them to the point where they may shed a tear when apologizing. Because I do think kids near to understand consequences so they remember not to do it again.

But as I look around me, I realize several of my neighbors and friends have kids’ drawing on the wall, wiping pizza hands on couches, jumping with shoes on bed, I could go on…. And I am probably in the minority and seen as a disciplinarian grouch ( i am a foreigner as you can probably tell from writing)

So please tell me about your parenting philosophy. If your kids do something like that (not dangerous for kid but disrespectful/ annoying to others) how do you react? And Why? Are you in the school of “never make your kids feel bad ”? Do you get annoyed at your own child or do you feel those behaviors don’t really matter in grand scheme of things? I am genuinely interested (and would currently not be able to do it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am aghast, a friend came over and her 4 year old drew on my wall. Ok shit happens, not the end of the world. What I am aghast about is her reaction, she apologized to me obviously but she barely said a thing to her kid « oh no sweety, please don’t do that, no no, pens are for paper » and gently sends kid off. And then proceed to explains that he did same at her house.

I have a kid the same age, and an older child, the first time I saw them hint at drawing somewhere else then designated area (wanting to draw onthe tabl or the floor to start) I made it VERY clear it was no ok. Big voice, a bit scary « NO! ». My kids wouldn’t DREAM of writing on a wall. Especially not the wall of someone ELSE! Had they still done that at her place for some weird reason, I would have imprinted a healthy fear of ever doing it again. And by that I mean I would have find it perfectly find to guilt trip them to the point where they may shed a tear when apologizing. Because I do think kids near to understand consequences so they remember not to do it again.

But as I look around me, I realize several of my neighbors and friends have kids’ drawing on the wall, wiping pizza hands on couches, jumping with shoes on bed, I could go on…. And I am probably in the minority and seen as a disciplinarian grouch ( i am a foreigner as you can probably tell from writing)

So please tell me about your parenting philosophy. If your kids do something like that (not dangerous for kid but disrespectful/ annoying to others) how do you react? And Why? Are you in the school of “never make your kids feel bad ”? Do you get annoyed at your own child or do you feel those behaviors don’t really matter in grand scheme of things? I am genuinely interested (and would currently not be able to do it)

Sorry lots of typos, hope still readable …

[Anonymous]

We feel as though writing implements are tools. If you can't use the tool correctly, you no longer get to use the tool. I might just have easier or more complaint kids, but writing on the walls has never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

Never. But we never left anything out that could destroy the house and when it got used we heavily supervised it.

[Anonymous]

If I knew my kid did it at my place, I would be watching him like a hawk at your place.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 and 3yo boys and have never seen a child do that at someone else's house. I assume this is due to a combination of training and parental supervision in the moment. My kids have drawn on my own floors once or twice but they were immediately stopped and reprimanded. From my perspective, your parenting friends sound lax in this regard.

[Anonymous]

I don’t do what you do, I use a stern voice and redirect but it doesn’t always work. I would instantly stop if at someone else’s house and I teach thst but at my house I’m more flexible - they’re erasable markers and I give a bit of flexibility ex: drawing on paper on tile and pen goes out and he tries drawing on tile, I let him do it but if it goes on my eames chair I instantly stop it. So my boundaries are more fluid. But no, that’s unnaceptable at someone else’s home.

[Anonymous]

I gently correct my kids, I don’t make a scene at other people house. Performance parenting is annoying.

You sound over the top for a normal childhood issue.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, but maybe she thought the 4 year old play date would be supervised? One of my kids would never ever do that, but for one with delays and impulse control challenges we had to have things like scissors and crayons out of reach until around 5 or 6 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am aghast, a friend came over and her 4 year old drew on my wall. Ok shit happens, not the end of the world. What I am aghast about is her reaction, she apologized to me obviously but she barely said a thing to her kid « oh no sweety, please don’t do that, no no, pens are for paper » and gently sends kid off. And then proceed to explains that he did same at her house.

I have a kid the same age, and an older child, the first time I saw them hint at drawing somewhere else then designated area (wanting to draw onthe tabl or the floor to start) I made it VERY clear it was no ok. Big voice, a bit scary « NO! ». My kids wouldn’t DREAM of writing on a wall. Especially not the wall of someone ELSE! Had they still done that at her place for some weird reason, I would have imprinted a healthy fear of ever doing it again. And by that I mean I would have find it perfectly find to guilt trip them to the point where they may shed a tear when apologizing. Because I do think kids near to understand consequences so they remember not to do it again.

But as I look around me, I realize several of my neighbors and friends have kids’ drawing on the wall, wiping pizza hands on couches, jumping with shoes on bed, I could go on…. And I am probably in the minority and seen as a disciplinarian grouch ( i am a foreigner as you can probably tell from writing)

So please tell me about your parenting philosophy. If your kids do something like that (not dangerous for kid but disrespectful/ annoying to others) how do you react? And Why? Are you in the school of “never make your kids feel bad ”? Do you get annoyed at your own child or do you feel those behaviors don’t really matter in grand scheme of things? I am genuinely interested (and would currently not be able to do it)

You're going to get a lot of "kids are kids" and "this is just normal" responses I think. I've been reading DCUM for years, and there have been many threads about how it's ok to let kids jump on couches, beds, that sort of thing. I'm also from another country (in Europe) and my kids were raised to not touch (let alone draw on) walls, not jump on furniture, not even put their feet up on coffee tables. I didn't yell at them or make them feel bad (I'm pretty sure) about that, it was just a consistent message that those things are not done, sometimes a stern voice. But definitely not that weird singsong "oh no thank you the wall doesn't like that" kind of thing that I sometimes hear from parents. I don't know if it's this area or American child rearing.

I once had the child of a friend color in markers on my sofa. My friend's only comment was that she didn't understand why I had real markers and not the kind that only make marks on special paper. Because I taught my kids to use paper? The kids in question were preschool/early K age at this point. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gently correct my kids, I don’t make a scene at other people house. Performance parenting is annoying.

You sound over the top for a normal childhood issue.

You sound like a mother with "those" kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gently correct my kids, I don’t make a scene at other people house. Performance parenting is annoying.

You sound over the top for a normal childhood issue.

This. I would be embarrassed and apologetic if my kid did this, but I would not make a scene at your house. She is four and there was a failure of supervision.

[Anonymous]

Whatever my response to something might be in my own home, I generally try not to make a scene in other people’s homes when it comes to disciplining my kids, because no one else needs their time disrupted more than necessary if my kid melts down in response. In her shoes, I would have gently corrected and redirected my child, then apologized and asked if you had a magic eraser so I could clean it off.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think either of you do a perfect job with this.

You are keeping them in line with fear and shame. Your friend isn’t keeping them in line at all.

I think ideally you would say “drawing on walls isn’t okay because it damages homes and takes a lot of work to fix. I know it’s tempting sometimes but I expect you to control yourself. You can draw on paper and hang it up on the walls. If you draw on the walls you will need to erase it or paint over it, and you will lose drawing privileges and if you do it at a friend’s house it will be a while before you will be allowed to go to a friend’s house.”

That’s what I have done. I don’t know, parenting is hard. Your friend has good intentions and is probably trying to avoid shame-based parenting but it’s too permissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gently correct my kids, I don’t make a scene at other people house. Performance parenting is annoying.

You sound over the top for a normal childhood issue.

OP here, that’s exactly how some of my American friends make me feel. And back home I would totally quote you to explain the difference in parenting “gently correcting” your child, calling writing on other peoples home “normal issue” when we would see this as a sign the child is out of control and not properly disciplined at home. I say that last part without judgment, when I go back home I now find the discipline too strict. I guess I am navigating somewhere in the middle right now.