Little kids & traveling spouse

[Anonymous]

If you have little children and a spouse who travels for work, how do you manage it?

We have a 4 yo and a 1.5 yo....DH just started a new job that has had him out of town for 5-6 days every other week. I am at my wits end and feel like I am tired, stressed and just a terrible mother when I am on my own with them.

How do you handle being the solo parent, working, taking care of the house etc?

I am in awe of single parents, military spouses and mothers/fathers who have a spouse who travel a lot.

[Anonymous]

We developed a routine that I could do alone (pickups, bedtime, morning, etc.). When he was home, he would be involved, but the basic routine was one I could do myself.

[Anonymous]

Do you also work? Do the kids go to daycare?

One thing I found that sometimes helped when my DH traveled, was to use a little leave here and there for me. So I'd leave work an hour early, and instead of picking up the kids, I'd go home and take care of some things. I'd change my clothes, I'd prep dinner, I'd empty the dishwasher etc. Then I'd go get the kids. That way, I could be 100% ON DUTY with the kids, without being pulled in quite so many directions. Still hectic, but it helped me.

I'd also occasionally ask for some more work from home time. Now, since the pandemic, I wish I'd used this more. I wouldn't hesitate to use this as a reason now. But my work place has been pretty flexible.

Also drop your standards. Use paper plates, eat TJ's frozen meals, have pasta or eggs for dinner. Meal prep when DH is home, if you can. But otherwise, quick and simple it the name of the game.

[Anonymous]

I was the traveling spouse. I took the kids and nanny with me almost every time. My daughters have been to playgrounds all over the world. If my work ended on a Friday or started on a Monday DH might come too for a couple of days if he could.

Why aren't you hiring help? If you can't afford that, the best you can do is get a very good schedule going, purge junk so it's not going all over the house creating messes, and teach your 4 yr old they have to clean up one thing before going to the next.

[Anonymous]

Figure out where your resentment will grow, and address it. My DH would do nothing to help before he left on a trip, and man, that made me mad. I would also take several hours for myself when he returned. The traveling spouse 100% has the easiesr lift.

[Anonymous]

I had mom friends in the neighborhood whose husbands also travelled. Helped a lot when someone needed a gallon of milk at 8pm….if someone was going they’d pick it up. It also helps to have a friend to call who will turn your almost-tears to laughter when things are really bad….one time everyone was throwing up (even the cat!) and my friend saved my sanity.

[Anonymous]

My spouse travels for work constantly, even throughout Covid, often with very little notice. I work full time remote. We have a 3 year old. I created a routine for mornings and evenings that I can handle solo.

Am- I am up 45 minutes early to get ready for day, check work emails, make breakfast and pack backpack. When 3 year old is up it’s just get them dressed, brush teeth, eat and out the door.

Pm- We get home and have some decompress time, often outside. Then Super simple dinner, play time, 30 minute tv, books, bath bed

Other thoughts which makes this doable for me:

-when solo parenting, massively drop your standards
- working from home
- full time childcare, less than 10 minutes from home
- laundry during the work day, takes two seconds to switch, fold during conference calls
- bi monthly house cleaner, I clean kitchen nightly and bathrooms as needed
- set a timer for 15 minutes each night for cleaning/to tidy whatever needs attention. Other than this I do very little cleaning.
- work out for 30 mins over lunch break
- simple meals/prepared foods/take out when spouse travels.
- pack lunches and pick out clothes the night before
-one tv show at night when I’m solo so I can get random things done
-after kid goes to bed I do little housework, it’s mostly just down time to regroup
-when spouse travels for more than 1.5 weeks or over two consecutive weekends I often take a full or half day off work

[Anonymous]

np here. PP , you're rockin' it
Only difference for most people, it's a complete game changer, few can work from home.

[Anonymous]

It is hard, OP. Hang in there. Pre-COVID, my spouse travelled frequently and I worked full time out of the home with 2 young kids in daycare and a 30 min commute, so it was tough. Having a set schedule and routine with the kids was important for weekdays, and I could be little looser on the weekends. Occasionally I asked my parents to come up to help. I ran errands on my lunch break at work, and any laundry, cleaning, and cooking happened after the kids were in bed. I kept the overall standards low. Now that I work from home a few days a week, I have more flexibility to get some of these things done during the day, so that helps as well.

When your spouse is home, I would recommend taking some time for yourself out of the home, getting together with friends, etc. Look into getting an occasional sitter or mother's helper if you feel like you need some extra assistance while your spouse is away.

[Anonymous]

I got incredibly resentful, DH started doing less and less when he was home, and our marriage almost broke up. It was awful and took years to repair.

I think either 1) you get on board with this (because you think it's a good move for the family ultimately) and you hire help and/or suck it up to make it work, or 2) he has to find another job.

I wanted option 2. It wasn't just the stress of being the home parent to toddlers. It was that DH had other, arguably better, options that didn't involve travel. He didn't earn enough to hire the amount of help we needed to make it sustainable. And I did not want the kind of family life/marriage where one of the partners is gone 50% of the time (and checked out when he's home). DH had been a great dad and partner up till then.

[Anonymous]

I'm probably missing some things, but what has worked for us so far is:

-weekly cleaners
-simple meals planned in advance and grocery delivery, plus buying prepped vegetables
-minimal organized sport/activities for the kids while they are little - one sport per kid at a time and easy to get to/from
-stick to a routine for the kids' stuff no matter what is going on with DH's work
-full nanny coverage plus a couple babysitters in the area who can come for an evening
-stopped feeling guilty about getting a sitter for the evening for me to do something fun/self care, even while DH is away - usually it is after kids are in bed but sometimes earlier
-moved closer to my family because my parents are very helpful and hands-on
-built a home gym so I can exercise once the kids go to sleep; this was really important for my mental health
-when DH gets back from travel or has down time after a busy stretch at work, we do something fun as a family and he and I try to have a date where we don't talk about work or kids
-when DH is not on the road or at work he is super involved and I basically have a free pass to take a night or morning off
-I accepted that his way of doing things is different than mine, made peace that there will always be small messes or occasional pizza dinners

[Anonymous]

Family help. My DH is in the military. I would not be able to manage during deployments and other long missions without regular and consistent help from my parents.

I think you can create that kind of help by hiring someone to clean regularly, ordering meals or doing big batch cooking, and hiring a regular babysitter.

I am also working on myself to accept that things aren't going to be perfect most of the time.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for all the replies.

I have daycare for both kids and commute to work (daycare is about halfway to my office) - avg. 30 minute one way.

We have house cleaners that come every two weeks - I spend so much time doing the prep for this, it ends up being a burden so I need to schedule those on weeks when DH is in town. But I struggle with the day to day cleaning, the tidying, dishes etc. Beyond regular cleaners, hiring help (nanny, mothers helper) isn't in the cards. I may start outsourcing laundry to better free up weekends.

And I usually do a big batch cooking on Sundays - mac and cheese, soup so dinner is relatively easy. The only issue is its a good 30 minutes before its ready to eat and my kids come home hungry and cranky.

It sounds like I need to lower my standards, be ok with frozen meals/pizza night, letting the house get messy, cut off soccer (thats been a killer!). I also love the suggestion of going home before picking up the kids to reset and prep.

And I have really felt the resentment build up, especially with the prep I do to prepare for the week (need him to step up and do the prep work before he leaves).

Thanks to all.