ADHD teen room

[Anonymous]

I need suggestions for my DD's room. She is 15 and has ADHD and anxiety. She has a small bedroom with a bed with two storage drawers underneath, and a small walk-in closet. In the closet is one tall chest of mesh drawers from the container store, about a 4' bar for hanging clothes, and three shelves (about 4' wide) on the other side for folded clothes.

She's in 10th grade. She excels academically and is the VP of her class and holds a leadership position in a youth program outside of school. But her room is literally covered with about 2 feet of a mix of clean and dirty clothes, various junk, trash, etc. I have her neurology and disorder makes me crazy. But, I just close her door so I can't see the mess so it won't bother me. But I'm worried that is is effecting her mentally/emotionally. It makes me sad to see her sitting on her bed with her laptop working surrounded by complete disorder and mess. She doesn't like disorder either, but she just can't get it together to keep her room clean - and then it gets to bad it's completely overwhelming so she just sits in the mess. I think she gets hyper focused on school work and other things, and then rushes to get dressed or to get to other things when she gets out of the shower, etc. So, she pulls one sweatshirt down from the shelf, for example, and doesn't notice that the other 15 have fallen on the closet floor in an avalanche. She gets out of the shower and leaves her towel on the floor and gets a new one the next time. She does her laundry when she gets desperate, and then doesn't fold it and leaves it in a basket that eventually ends up on the floor mixed with other clean and dirty clothes.

Today she's at school and I'm off of work, and I thought I'd help her (which I do occasionally when it gets really bad) and I just can't do it. It's overwhelming for ME. Also, when I do this it takes me 2-3 hours and then I get totally resentful when a few days later it's back to where it was.

I have given her suggestions about how to keep it clean which she doesn't take. I'm wondering if a better system for her closet might help. She says its partly because her "storage sucks." Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Two things off the top of my head:

1. There are so, so many ADHD social media accounts that have tips on how to manage these things. Social media accounts run by professed experts on mental health issues justifiably have a bad reputation, but I think that with ADHD it is really important to see how people with ADHD address these things because what works varies so much from individual to individual. With ADHD you really have to keep trying different things until you find what works for you.

I see that your child isn't interested in your advice, and my kid is the same, so what I do is download entertaining but helpful social media posts (especially tik toks) and send them to her. It's a non-confrontational way to give suggestions, and the suggestions don't actually come from me. This isn't a permanent solution but she is trying various things and it has gotten marginally better.

2. I make sure that at a minimum, my daughter has her clean and dirty clothes in separate baskets and towels off the floor. I check every night to make sure this is happening and if she doesn't do it, I do. That's not ideal but I have realized that lowering expectations lowers my stress level. She is not allowed to eat or drink in her bedroom and so that minimizes trash and dishes (she does still take cups of water up there and I have to keep pushing on that).

Good luck. This is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Consider getting rid of stuff.

Change some expectations like don’t expect that a towel will be used more than once.

Be sure everything has a place.

Honestly, I feel you with this. I’ve done the major clean a bunch of times and it doesn’t stay that way. Biggest problem is too much stuff, including too many clothes.

[Anonymous]

We have this as well plus mine has some hoarder tendencies and so still has some stuff in her room from when she was 5 that I know she doesn’t have any real attachment to. Every couple of year we come up with a great new storage system but she doesn’t really maintain it. Last year we got her a loft bed (at her suggestion) to give more floor space and storage space but it hasn’t really helped. I’ve done a few “no going out with friends until this is cleaned” days, also once or twice a week I just go in an try to grab anything I know where it goes to help out, and I keep encouraging her to do a 5 minute cleanup before bed. I think putting on music helps.

[Anonymous]

1. Minimize what is in there. If she resists getting rid of stuff, offer to store it in a box elsewhere for a while. 15 sweatshirts can't tumble out and end up on the floor if she only has 3 sweatshirts in her room. More storage does not help, less stuff does.
2. Routines. Laundry once per week, trash out once per week. Trash is more likely to go in a bin if it's not overflowing, same with laundry. Laundry is easier to put away if closet and drawers are not overstuffed.

Otherwise, I agree with you, close the door. At 15, it is her problem to solve in her own way.

[Anonymous]

It's not the storage, it's the amount of stuff. She doesn't need 15 sweatshirts. She needs four or five, and then the other 12 can be stored elsewhere, maybe. The stuff is overwhelming her.

It sounds like you are willing to help, and she is willing to take your help sometimes. Can you do it more frequently? Could you say that Sundays and Thursdays are room cleaning, and you do it together? I still help my similar son clean his room, and he is 15. I think of it as scaffolding his skills - when he was 8 or 10 he melted down at the very notion of confronting a mess. He just couldn't. Now he can, but he does better if he has company.

When your floor is covered with clothes you don't notice when more clothes are added. You have to keep the floors clear in order to notice when they AREN'T clear. She probably needs your help (not your ideas, guidance, nagging, suggestions, but your quiet, physical help) to get into a better routine.

[Anonymous]

Another suggestion - make the room work for her, not her work for the room. Piles of things are what goes? Okay -- get a big, pretty bin for the sweatshirts. Then they all go in there. No more folding, no more falling, everything is contained.

A lot of time - not necessarily with your DD, but maybe - laundry is just SO many steps. Sorting, washing, transferring, drying, folding, putting away... If she can dump clean clothes into bins designated for things, that might make it easier. Or get her two laundry bins, one for clean and one for dirty. It might be stressful to you to think about, but you're not trying to make it perfect -- you're trying to make it more functional than what it is now. Happy to elaborate on what worked for us if you want.

Unsure if this applies, but I would also remind the difference between messy and dirty. Clothes on floor? Fine, doesn't hurt anyone. Food trash and leftovers sitting out? Attracts bugs and smells, needs to be sent to kitchen. The flipside of this is embracing that messy is okay and she's not a bad person if things get messy.

[Anonymous]

I share your pain, OP. In addition to what's been suggested, I put a laundry hamper in my DD's room, and kept the rules simple:
1. No clothes on the floor. They can go on the bed, on top of the dresser, hang from the ceiling fan: I don't care, but no clothes on the floor.
2. My other rule was no food in her room, but she violated that rule, so now I say: Food must be cleaned up before you go to bed.
And I have to accept that her room is a mess; that she can't tell dirty clothes from clean ones (and doesn't seem to care) and deals with her depression/anxiety by shopping FOR MORE CLOTHES! AUGH.
Every once in a while I go in and pick out clothes to donate. I remove all clothes I dislike. Heheheh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things off the top of my head:

1. There are so, so many ADHD social media accounts that have tips on how to manage these things. Social media accounts run by professed experts on mental health issues justifiably have a bad reputation, but I think that with ADHD it is really important to see how people with ADHD address these things because what works varies so much from individual to individual. With ADHD you really have to keep trying different things until you find what works for you.

I see that your child isn't interested in your advice, and my kid is the same, so what I do is download entertaining but helpful social media posts (especially tik toks) and send them to her. It's a non-confrontational way to give suggestions, and the suggestions don't actually come from me. This isn't a permanent solution but she is trying various things and it has gotten marginally better.

2. I make sure that at a minimum, my daughter has her clean and dirty clothes in separate baskets and towels off the floor. I check every night to make sure this is happening and if she doesn't do it, I do. That's not ideal but I have realized that lowering expectations lowers my stress level. She is not allowed to eat or drink in her bedroom and so that minimizes trash and dishes (she does still take cups of water up there and I have to keep pushing on that).

Good luck. This is really hard.

Can you share your ADHD social media accounts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things off the top of my head:

1. There are so, so many ADHD social media accounts that have tips on how to manage these things. Social media accounts run by professed experts on mental health issues justifiably have a bad reputation, but I think that with ADHD it is really important to see how people with ADHD address these things because what works varies so much from individual to individual. With ADHD you really have to keep trying different things until you find what works for you.

I see that your child isn't interested in your advice, and my kid is the same, so what I do is download entertaining but helpful social media posts (especially tik toks) and send them to her. It's a non-confrontational way to give suggestions, and the suggestions don't actually come from me. This isn't a permanent solution but she is trying various things and it has gotten marginally better.

2. I make sure that at a minimum, my daughter has her clean and dirty clothes in separate baskets and towels off the floor. I check every night to make sure this is happening and if she doesn't do it, I do. That's not ideal but I have realized that lowering expectations lowers my stress level. She is not allowed to eat or drink in her bedroom and so that minimizes trash and dishes (she does still take cups of water up there and I have to keep pushing on that).

Good luck. This is really hard.

Can you share your favorite ADHD social media accounts?

[Anonymous]

I would spend 15-30 minutes a day helping her go through everything and clean it up. Don't wait for her to do it as she may need you to go step by step. Then for a few weeks help her maintain it by checking nightly and asking her to fix it and hopefully slowly back off. Briber her if you can afford it with a quick update - new bedding, led lights, pictures/wallpaper/mural, new rug and make it fun. Also, consider getting different shelving in the closet as the elfa can be hard to use. And, maybe a tall dresser if it will fit in the room.

I go through my kids rooms 2-3 times a year depending on how much they grow with them and make them try on everything to keep/get rid of. Then we neatly put it away. Before bed I ask them to pick up the room and do a quick check (not looking for spotless but decent).

We have small rooms too. Tall bookcases work well for the height (strap it to the wall for safety even if they are a teen). Same with tall dressers to save space. Or even shelving hanging from the wall above the dresser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things off the top of my head:

1. There are so, so many ADHD social media accounts that have tips on how to manage these things. Social media accounts run by professed experts on mental health issues justifiably have a bad reputation, but I think that with ADHD it is really important to see how people with ADHD address these things because what works varies so much from individual to individual. With ADHD you really have to keep trying different things until you find what works for you.

I see that your child isn't interested in your advice, and my kid is the same, so what I do is download entertaining but helpful social media posts (especially tik toks) and send them to her. It's a non-confrontational way to give suggestions, and the suggestions don't actually come from me. This isn't a permanent solution but she is trying various things and it has gotten marginally better.

2. I make sure that at a minimum, my daughter has her clean and dirty clothes in separate baskets and towels off the floor. I check every night to make sure this is happening and if she doesn't do it, I do. That's not ideal but I have realized that lowering expectations lowers my stress level. She is not allowed to eat or drink in her bedroom and so that minimizes trash and dishes (she does still take cups of water up there and I have to keep pushing on that).

Good luck. This is really hard.

Can you share your favorite ADHD social media accounts?

Yes! Here are a couple. These are tiktok links but I believe they also have Instagram accounts.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM88bFVkC/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM88bbsUK/


You do have to be conscious of what you share because and I’m sure you know, these days mental health is trending and people are turning totally normal things into mental health conditions; everything is a symptom of ADHD or trauma or whatever. But I still think that it’s worth checking out some accounts.