Paint a picture for me: how do you parent?

[Anonymous]

Are you “peaceful”?
Do you enjoy your children more than you discipline them?
Do you yell? Spank?

I feel like our home has little joy, little love…our boys (6 and 4) are terrible listeners and are so rude to us. I want to scream and spank them, while also cherishing how young they are (hyperbole but you get the drift).

What’s your house like?

[Anonymous]

No screaming except a raised/stern voice every once in a while. I am very consistent, monitor everything, don't allow electronics till everything else is done and clear expectations. I don't allow rude/swear words nor do we use them and I will enforce something getting done. If it doesn't or they are rude, at that age it was time out, early bed, lose electronics, in your room for 15 minutes, etc. You have to be very consistent. Use time outs nanny style.

[Anonymous]

It is mostly peaceful, calm or often than not, and I definitely enjoy them. I have yelled once in the past year.

I think that if I wasn’t very diligent in how I parent and addressing my own mental health (filling up my oxygen mask before I share it, as it were), I would yell, Things wound be chaos and tense all the time, and I probably wouldn’t like being around my kids.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and I have mental health issues and so parenting is the most important and most urgent part of my life (aside from my marriage which is equally important but less urgent). I’m so imperfect which makes it vital that I keep learning and practicing. Plus the kids mature and have different needs now. The goalpost keeps moving.

I read a lot of books and take parenting classes and do my best to put them into practice but I always like reading new ones too. I also make managing my own mental health a huge priority (therapy once a week, exercise every day, get sleep and food etc).

OP it’s hard but I do believe that you can find a way to create some mental space to focus on being a better parent (and that all starts from the inside). Life doesn’t have to be this way.

[Anonymous]

Oh and if you want to enjoy your kids more than you discipline them, find one on one time to be with them and just talk or play. This can make all the difference in the world.

[Anonymous]

Our house is peaceful and we rarely have to do any discipline. Our oldest has profound special needs. She is too delayed to discipline. We have to do things like babyproof for someone 5 feet tall, change her diapers, etc. It isn’t exactly fun, but doesn’t really create any drama. Our second kid is just a pretty easy kid. Discipline isn’t needed very often.

We also have very few rules compared to most of the people that seem to frequent this board. I feel no need to control what our youngest eats, wears, etc. I don’t worry much about TV time. I think part of the reason homes are so stressful is that parents are way too controlling.

[Anonymous]

We have an 8 year old. No screaming, no hitting. The most extreme consequences we give are to take a break, either sitting on the stairs or up in her room. She really doesn't like that. We are pretty firm with her though and have high expectations overall.

We do a lot together. Eat breakfast and dinner together, read together up to an hour each night, have family book clubs where we all read our own books, tons of board games, a few walks each day, cook together etc. On the weekend we do a lot out and about together - hiking, camping, outings etc.

[Anonymous]

I don’t spank. I wouldn’t say I yell often but it happens.

If I feel like things are getting to be a problem we do a family meeting to reset. I try to say things as shared goals etc. like you want to be able to have friends over, I need you to help clean without complaining as a shared goal towards having it ok to have friends over etc.

I reiterate that screens are a privilege etc so usually I don’t fight to get them to do XYZ but they can’t have screens until it’s done.

Sometimes my attitude and if I react different gets a better response from the kids.

[Anonymous]

We try to be calm, though DH has been getting a bit stressed at work and more hair trigger at home. We also try to give natural consequences for things, rather than always taking away TV or giving time outs. Like if she’s being rude, I’ll walk away and not play with her until she realizes her mistake

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 year old boy and 4 year old girl. Two boys those ages would be hard. The 6 year old definitely tries my patience every. single. day. We've been making an effort to not yell for a few months now and it actually seems to help his behavior. Lots of positive reinforcement, rewards for good behavior etc. He loves "surprising" us with good deeds (ie. shower is always a problem and he'll "sneakily" shower with my husband to play a trick on me) and we play along incessantly. FCPS recently had a webinar with this guy (https://celebratecalm.com) and it was very, very good and I've been trying to implement some of his tips.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I will note we're trying to reward good vs. punish bad more, but we certainly do still punish bad when necessary. Usually with screen time removal. Rewarding the good seems to help more. He's actually very sensitive, so the best reward for him is cuddles and hugs.

[Anonymous]

3 kids and my house is definitely not peaceful. We don’t spank and don’t usually scream, but I use threats and change my tone when I need the kids to do something. The situation gets stressful when we need to leave the house or when kids start fighting and crying. Boy is harder than his sisters so you may have a harder time because you have 2 boys. I enjoy my kids most of the time, but I do have moments when I wish I were single in my 20s still 🤣.

It is not easy…. As someone said above, try to control a little less and have clear (but obtainable) rules/goals.

My kids watch tv when baby naps after lunch. They will watch 2 hours… and I don’t care. They make a mess coloring and playing. I ask them to clean up and what they get dirty I will clean it and I don’t care. The older two (7 and 5) dress themselves, feed themselves snacks and breakfast… I just try to relax. 1 extra hour of tv is not worse for them than it is for me to get little to no break.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big fan of Janet Lansbury, and her book "No Bad Kids" has had a huge impact on my parenting.

We set firm limits, and we do it with compassion. I do my best to let my kids make mistakes and learn from them. I try to give them choices and make their own decisions in a way that is developmentally appropriate.

I have several weaknesses.

The main one is my two boys arguing (also 4 & 6) which drives me crazy and I don't deal with it calmly all the time.

I also have a day or two every now and then when I'm just in a shitty mood and I feel like I need to stay away from everyone or it leaks into the family.

Another one of them is that I get really bored playing with them for long periods. I can play board games or sports with them, but watching them build lego towers or draw or whatever they ask me to do... I can do it for like 2 minutes and then I have to go do something.

Generally, though, we have a happy house. The kids are joyful. We don't discipline much. They're good listeners etc.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you read "Hunt, Gather, Parent" - I'm reading it now and it's changing how I do almost EVERYTHING parenting wise.

[Anonymous]

Practice self-control

Enforce boundaries

Have empathy (and have empathy while enforcing boundaries)

Be consistent

Apologize when you inevitably mess up

Love them without condition and tell them that often


I love Dr. Becky on Instagram for very practical tips

[Anonymous]

The picture is on the screen of a tablet.