If you care for older relative- what support would you appreciate from out of town family?
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Anonymous
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My parents are in their mid-60s and care for my one remaining grandparent who is in her 90s. My sister and I both live far from them (12-16 hour car rides) and can't contribute to the daily care. The daily demands have really increased in the past year. This is mostly due to the fact that my grandmother's mental status has really declined. She was a super sweet person, but badly abused as a child and has turned very mean towards my folks. This is all a part of her dementia, so forgivable but very hard.
How could I support my folks from a distance? I call a few times a week, encourage them to do things they love (hiking, going to gym daily, etc.). I have volunteered to come to their house for a week while they go on vacation. However, I still wonder if there is more I can do...I ask and they say no, but I wonder if there is something others in similar situations may have appreciated? |
Anonymous
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Telling them they should do "fun" activities is not actually helping them. It's possible you're underestimating the difficult of caring for your grandmother. They may not be comfortable leaving her for a week or even for an afternoon to hike. And they may be too burnt out and tired to do "fun" things. Unless you are a professional nurse or something, I don't know why you think you can just jump in and care for her for a full week when she's very unhappy and probably has a lot of care needs. This is way harder than you seem to think.
What if you visited her and sat with your grandmother while your parents just took a break and relaxed, went out for a coffee, or something like that. Don't make your help conditional on them taking a long vacation. Come for the sake of spending time with your grandmother. Allow them to teach you the skills of caring for her and earn their trust and confidence. Then they may be comfortable letting you stay with her for a while. |
Anonymous
| OP here- I should have clarified...grandmother is in an assisted living facility with 24hr care. So, my parents are not giving actual medical care. Visiting, sitting, taking her for walks, etc. |
Anonymous
I see. Well, still, with the dementia she may not take very well to the sudden change of visitors. Try visiting her *with* your parents to see how it goes. If your parents won't accept you directly being with your grandmother, try to help them out. Spend your visit doing yard work or whatever it is they need. Try to make their own lives easier in small and manageable ways. Even with the nursing home, they probably don't feel they can go away for a week, but they might take the afternoon if they knew you were at their house and ready to spring into action if anything bad happens. When my mom was doing this, I would come over and stay the night and she would turn off her phone. It was the only time she could really deeply sleep, knowing that if there were a problem, I would be the first to respond. |
Anonymous
OP, some elders don't have anyone like your parents. Your parents are doing what they want to do. Probably they talk about it all way more than you would like, because that is their life. That is what happens in a day. But it is their choice. Meanwhile, focus less on the fact that your Grandparent exists. She won't for long. If it were just your parents, how would your interactions/visits be? I would start acting/planning as if it's only your parents in the picture. They may not accept invitation, but it will get them thinking about it. |
Anonymous
Plan a week to visit and go see her daily. |