Divorcing an alcoholic husband

[Anonymous]

DH has had a drinking problem for most of our relationship. He’s put in little effort to improve and unfortunately things have gotten much worse over the years. I’m ready to leave him but not quite sure how to go about this. We have two young kids and he will absolutely put up a fight. I’d like to stay in the house and keep the kids in school and with their friends. Any words of advice?

[Anonymous]

Go to Alcoholic Anonymous ask for help and advice on how to help him with the disease.Help your kids mental health and your mental health too.

[Anonymous]

Talk with a lawyer. Get everything in order. If you’re in the DC area, see about getting recommendations here.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you want the divorce, you move. He will get 50/50 custody if he wants it except for a fight.

[Anonymous]

I am divorcing an alcoholic husband right now. Kids are a little older and there is no fear of him hurting the kids or endangering them in any way.

so I think divorcing him is like divorcing anyone else. you split the assets and work out custody and child support in the typical way guided by the state you live in.

The shame of divorcing an alcoholic is very private, as it only hurts the kids if everyone knows the details.

Keeping your kids in their home and school really depends on the finances.

I don't believe the alcoholic has to pay extra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Alcoholic Anonymous ask for help and advice on how to help him with the disease.Help your kids mental health and your mental health too.

They don't offer any of those answers. Great organization as is alanon but you won't get any help on making your alcohuc quit.

[Anonymous]

what you need more than any advice you can get on DCUM is a divorce lawyer who is familiar with substance abuse. I am in the DC area and when I started asking around, the same 3-4 names kept coming up, along with the same therapists and custody supervisors etc - its a pretty small community of experts. Absent a legal record like DUIs or restraining orders it is unlikely you will get any special protections due to his drinking, so it probably will be just like any other divorce (split the assets, split custody, unless you both agree to something different). but if you are concerned about him caring for your kids the right lawyer might have ideas. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Go to real therapy, and take your kids too. Don't go to this alanon/alcoholics anonymous BS which is just an outdated religious ploy that never really worked very well anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to real therapy, and take your kids too. Don't go to this alanon/alcoholics anonymous BS which is just an outdated religious ploy that never really worked very well anyway.

This is horrible, horrible advice.

Al Anon is the ONLY program for YOU to get help from the effects of your DH's alcoholism in your life. And same with Al A teen for your kids. It is an amazing program with tons of people willing to support you. The meetings even have phone lists, you can get a sponsor to lean on. Try a few different meetings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to Alcoholic Anonymous ask for help and advice on how to help him with the disease.Help your kids mental health and your mental health too.

They don't offer any of those answers. Great organization as is alanon but you won't get any help on making your alcohuc quit.

AA = Alcoholics Anonymous = program for the alcoholic to attend, not OP. AA is THE 12 step program for alcoholics. There is no other program. Just rehabs and halfway houses. And those typically support AA.

Al Anon is for friends or family affected by someone else's addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to real therapy, and take your kids too. Don't go to this alanon/alcoholics anonymous BS which is just an outdated religious ploy that never really worked very well anyway.

This is horrible, horrible advice.

Al Anon is the ONLY program for YOU to get help from the effects of your DH's alcoholism in your life. And same with Al A teen for your kids. It is an amazing program with tons of people willing to support you. The meetings even have phone lists, you can get a sponsor to lean on. Try a few different meetings.

FWIW, I wasn’t a huge fan of Al-anon. We are atheists. Yes, you can try and re-conceptualize the higher power as non-religious but for me that was awkward, because many people in the room were religious. I also wasn’t wild about the blind leading the blind format, and I found a lot of resistance to psychiatric meds as another form of substance abuse, which is terrible advice considering how many people are dual-diagnosed with MI and substance abuse.

I preferred seeking help from a trained therapist and psychiatrist but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Really doesnt matter that hes an alcoholic.

You could push for soberlink, or ETG testing on him for when he's with kids. But the fact that his drinking ended your marriage really doesnt matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Alcoholic Anonymous ask for help and advice on how to help him with the disease.Help your kids mental health and your mental health too.

They mean Al-anon, OP, and this is good advice. But the lawyer part is even more important. Right there with you.

Is there any concern he could be violent if you want to separate?

[Anonymous]

Lawyer-Up

immediately

[Anonymous]

Lawyer is the first step.