Dressing my non-binary child
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Anonymous
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My child, who prefers to go by they/them and considers themselves non-binary is having a hard time shopping for clothing for formal situations. We have three family events coming up in the future and trying to find clothes have been challenging. They were born female and present that way. They are more comfortable in non-gender conforming clothing. Any tips from either folks who have found places to shop (or dressy outfits that are NOT dresses, skirts etc.) or parents with kids going through something similar?
My child is 13 - if that makes a difference. |
Anonymous
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I don't have any experience or tips but I would think slacks and a button down style shirt with an optional blazer would work. All come in more feminine styles or not.
Like a school uniform. The pieces are the same except girls usually have an extra skirt, but all the other items are the same for both genders. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, I think they would be most comfortable in a women’s plain white button down and a pair of women’s slacks and some loafers. I say women’s assuming the goal is for them to wear the most comfortable-for-them possible thing that won’t cause people to ask questions (public attention is the worst thing that can happen according to my young teen). But a teen “girl” wearing a nice shirt and slacks and loafers cut for a woman will read to most people as “tomboy” vs. “ask me to explain my gender to you.”
If your kid is more assertive, then whatever they want to wear. Ask them what kind of formalwear they prefer for each event. |
Anonymous
| I'm finding it hard to imagine any 13-yr-old who doesn't want to pick out their own clothing. |
Anonymous
Not nonbinary, but I was a girl who loathed “traditional” girly clothes like dresses and skirts, etc and I would usually wear a plain button down (can get in a softer or maybe shinier fabric than just cotton to be a bit dressier) and black slacks with just a bit of wider leg, so they were a little flowier than general khaki like pants. The hardest part was shoes. My mother made me wear black flats similar to ballet flats, which I really disliked. You could try some nicely made black Oxfords maybe. Good luck! |
Anonymous
You can't imagine a 13-year old complaining and claiming they can't find anything anywhere. And, yes, they've looked everywhere - there is nothing! Can't imagine parent might want to assist or been asked to do so? Try searching for women's tuxedo pants. Unless child has very straight build, fit will be better. With that search you may get dressy pant options than plain trousers. |
Anonymous
I have a 13 year old who is gender-questioning and she/they still love picking out clothes, but with so much confusion and self-doubt in her life, I can definitely see why another teen may have troubles with this. Everyone has different struggles, they’re not all the same. It would do you good to open up your imagination and see that. |
Anonymous
| My DD likes the soft butch style. We found several outfits at H&M that have worked for formal occasions. One variation that was appealing to my rather traditional mom was black dress pants, a white button down and a black and gold brocade tuxedo style jacket. |
Anonymous
Not the OP but this sounds fun and helpful. OP- i think you may still have to shop in the traditional womens/girls sections to make sure things fit as they are usually cut in a less bulky way (depends in your kid's actual physique of course). But tuxedo style pants with or without a stripe on side and a button down would be great. You can add color with the button down, bright blues, teal, bright green etc or stick to white. There are many women's/smaller sized Oxford loafers or "smoking" loafers (those are sometimes sparkly or velvety). |
Anonymous
I’m 52 and there wasn’t a time in my life I enjoyed picking out clothes. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| How formal? Like a school dance? A wedding? |
Anonymous
| My non binary teen prefers nice pants with a button down shirt. For a more formal look, add a jacket. |
Anonymous
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My then 9 year old daughter is not non binary but doesn’t like particularly feminine clothing and needed to chose an appropriate outfit for my sisters wedding. We ended up at a department store. I don’t recall which. At first she was loathe to try anything on saying that she hated everything. I took her and left my husband at home. We brought her sister. To help. After being forced to try in a few but being told that she wouldn’t have to buy anything she didn’t like but had to try stuff on that we gave her (and anything she chose as well), she got very into it. After 102 outfits she didn’t like she found 2 in a row that she did. She had a hard time choosing between them and was thrilled to wear it.
For the record it was way more Feminine that I would have ever guessed that she would have chosen. But she was happy and dressed at an appropriate style for the event. For the record I would have been fine with her choosing boys clothing as well. I just wanted it to be appropriate in formality for the event. |
Anonymous
| Black pants, black jacket, dressier shirt of their choice. |