How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

This. When a child is involved more is involved including communicating with the other parents about your child meeting a new partner. I also don’t really understand why you always have to sleep over when the child is with the dad if the dad only gets the child 50/50.

My dad died and my mom ended up getting engaged to someone who lived with us but then he just decided to leave. It was pretty devastating to a kid. It ended up being for the best, but when kids are involved it is not about you and if you keep making it about you and not what is best for the kid (being kind to her mother) then you shouldn’t be in this relationship.

You should immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe this lady anything. If you don't want to meet her you don't have to if the court doesn't say so. It's not like she's going to be able to know if you're a safe person to be around her daughter based on a 5 minute meet and greet so that's not what it's actually about. She just wants to maintain as much control as she can. The dad is just as much a parent as she is and assessed you to be fit, and that would be good enough for any judge if you were wondering.

That said, you might think about extending some kind of goodwill so the narrative can't be spun that you're not being cooperative. You can have firm boundaries but also do some of the inconsequential things that she wants with a smile (like saying hi at pickup). Don't be stubborn for the principle of the thing. You're not losing any self-respect by doing that.

That's not so much a narrative, as exactly what OP is describing about her own behavior. Refusing to open and read text messages, refusing to say hello at drop off - OP is not being cooperative at all. That's not a narrative, it's reality and very childish.

Why should she open the messages? It's extremely inappropriate for the ex to message her ex's new girlfriend at all, much less multiple times and try to manipulate her and drag her into the coparenting conflict which is between the boyfriend and the ex. If the ex didn't trust the guy's judgment about who would be around her daughter she shouldn't have had a kid with him to begin with and it sounds like they weren't married either. This lady made bad decision after bad decision and lost control over her child's life as a result. She can be upset about it but it's not OP's problem.

From what OP said she's just living her life and being neither cooperative or uncooperative. She does not need to be and SHOULD NOT BE involved in the squabble between mom and dad over who dad is allowing around the kid. Any judge would laugh in the ex's face if she tried to complain that OP doesn't want to meet her and would absolutely not like that the ex was harassing her about coparenting issues on facebook. Have any of you actually been in family court?

It's utterly ridiculous how ex wives feel entitled to control their ex's parenting, relationships, and new girlfriends after divorce/separation. You can't. Very few judges would entertain including some kind of "morality" clause that forbids overnight guests or cohabitation, or demands that new partners must be introduced in a parenting order, and it's largely unenforceable anyway.

The only thing here that the ex might be able to go after is the right of first refusal to prevent OP from picking her daughter up from school and babysitting. But if that hasn't been informally established up to this point, and she's been okay with any other of his relatives (grandma, etc) or other people babysitting since the separation, it will look extremely petty that she's fussing about it only with the new girlfriend's arrival on the scene. She won't have ground to stand on and a judge will probably maintain the status quo without the right of first refusal.

Don't have a kid with someone who you wouldn't trust completely to be on the same page as you parenting if you were suddenly out of the picture some or all of the time for whatever reason. And if you don't trust them, don't get divorced.

What on earth are you reading? No, she's refusing to get out of a car and say hello, listening to baby daddy's voicemails and reading his texts, and trying to gin up sympathy on DCUM. She's gleefully getting in the middle of a coparenting conflict and then behaving like a child instead of an adult. Her boyfriend is inappropriately by involving her with his drama (which she clearly gets off on, she's got the vibe of a 24 year old who has been convinced by her older boyfriend she's "special" and "not like those other girls") and then stonewalling the mother of his child when she very reasonably wants to meet the third adult sleeping in a house with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be happy if my child were spending so much time with you and I hadn’t met you. Don’t know what to tell you.

+1. Why can’t you be the bigger person and say hello? Tell her she has a wonderful daughter, etc. She may be insecure that you are trying to take her place and meeting you may reassure her that is not the case (assuming it isn’t).

OP is into the drama.

Feel sorry for the kid. Dad should have a better "picker" now that he is a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that "baby mama" and "baby daddy" is derogatory very old or something? It's not, it's just slang, and it's super common to use because we don't really have a formal word for it. No one wants to type "my boyfriend's child's mother" a million times.

Birth mother or bio mom are far more respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof. OP, as you can tell, this forum is mostly jilted ex wives who absolutely hate their ex husband's new girlfriend no matter what they do and youre just one of them. You won't get unbiased advice here. Head over to r/stepparents (or maybe you already have judging by the lingo you use; if so, definitely post this there!) to get sound advice from people who are dealing with high conflict baby mamas and just doing their best like you. Don't let these bitter old broads convince you that you are somehow the problem for being wary about getting close to someone who is known to violate boundaries, is verbally abusive, and has a history of cursing at you and calling you names. She has no right to meet you, much less a friendship, with you or to dictate whether or not you can spend time with her child unless it's written in a parenting agreement. You're not immature or doing anything unethical or immoral by trusting your partners judgment in what's best for his daughter and the timeline of your relationship. You sound like you're trying to do what's best for the three of you, and kudos for not stopping to her level. You can't be the stable person this child clearly needs in their life if you're going crazy trying to accommodate a crazy baby mama and her bad behavior.

As for advice, I would send a brief thank you card for the gift and wishing her a happy holiday. Let her think you never read the Facebook messages because you just don't get on there much so she doesn't know she can harass you there.

Nope, I’ve been her. She is being immature. Have an adult conversation over dinner; that’s what I did. Who cares what the mother has said about you, this isn’t high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe this lady anything. If you don't want to meet her you don't have to if the court doesn't say so. It's not like she's going to be able to know if you're a safe person to be around her daughter based on a 5 minute meet and greet so that's not what it's actually about. She just wants to maintain as much control as she can. The dad is just as much a parent as she is and assessed you to be fit, and that would be good enough for any judge if you were wondering.

That said, you might think about extending some kind of goodwill so the narrative can't be spun that you're not being cooperative. You can have firm boundaries but also do some of the inconsequential things that she wants with a smile (like saying hi at pickup). Don't be stubborn for the principle of the thing. You're not losing any self-respect by doing that.

That's not so much a narrative, as exactly what OP is describing about her own behavior. Refusing to open and read text messages, refusing to say hello at drop off - OP is not being cooperative at all. That's not a narrative, it's reality and very childish.

Why should she open the messages? It's extremely inappropriate for the ex to message her ex's new girlfriend at all, much less multiple times and try to manipulate her and drag her into the coparenting conflict which is between the boyfriend and the ex. If the ex didn't trust the guy's judgment about who would be around her daughter she shouldn't have had a kid with him to begin with and it sounds like they weren't married either. This lady made bad decision after bad decision and lost control over her child's life as a result. She can be upset about it but it's not OP's problem.

From what OP said she's just living her life and being neither cooperative or uncooperative. She does not need to be and SHOULD NOT BE involved in the squabble between mom and dad over who dad is allowing around the kid. Any judge would laugh in the ex's face if she tried to complain that OP doesn't want to meet her and would absolutely not like that the ex was harassing her about coparenting issues on facebook. Have any of you actually been in family court?

It's utterly ridiculous how ex wives feel entitled to control their ex's parenting, relationships, and new girlfriends after divorce/separation. You can't. Very few judges would entertain including some kind of "morality" clause that forbids overnight guests or cohabitation, or demands that new partners must be introduced in a parenting order, and it's largely unenforceable anyway.

The only thing here that the ex might be able to go after is the right of first refusal to prevent OP from picking her daughter up from school and babysitting. But if that hasn't been informally established up to this point, and she's been okay with any other of his relatives (grandma, etc) or other people babysitting since the separation, it will look extremely petty that she's fussing about it only with the new girlfriend's arrival on the scene. She won't have ground to stand on and a judge will probably maintain the status quo without the right of first refusal.

Don't have a kid with someone who you wouldn't trust completely to be on the same page as you parenting if you were suddenly out of the picture some or all of the time for whatever reason. And if you don't trust them, don't get divorced.

All of this. Twice. 🫡

[Anonymous]

Dump this guy. He is using up the best years of your dating life. Things will only get worse with the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.



More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

You lost me at " baby mama"

[Anonymous]

Meet with her. Go for coffee. Suggest it's time to stop the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump this guy. He is using up the best years of your dating life. Things will only get worse with the drama.

This. He already has one baby mama. Don't be number two. Going forward, don't date men with a "baby mama."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meet with her. Go for coffee. Suggest it's time to stop the drama.

OP should also make the same suggestion to her BF -- he's the one that is sharing info about texts and conversations between the biological mom and the BF. He is sharing private communication in order to stir up drama and competition between women. It's also a way of bonding OP to him by creating a common enemy -- his former GF.

OP, how can you not see that this guy is at least a big a manipulator and drama queen as the mother of his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that "baby mama" and "baby daddy" is derogatory very old or something? It's not, it's just slang, and it's super common to use because we don't really have a formal word for it. No one wants to type "my boyfriend's child's mother" a million times.

Which is why those of us who are “very old” are more discerning about who we choose to date

[Anonymous]

When he's supposed to be spending time with his DD, you shouldn't be there. He also should never have introduced you to his daughter without clearing that with his ex, first. He's sloppy. Also, if you were smart and had any self-respect, you'd not enter into (and continue) a relationship with a messy excuse for a man. Please set the bar much higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he's supposed to be spending time with his DD, you shouldn't be there. He also should never have introduced you to his daughter without clearing that with his ex, first. He's sloppy. Also, if you were smart and had any self-respect, you'd not enter into (and continue) a relationship with a messy excuse for a man. Please set the bar much higher.

Omg ffs. An ex is not entitled to meet or have demands with who you spend time with, or who the child spends time with. I'm sure you feel they "should" but this is not a thing people. Also - it's pretty rich to say that no one else is supposed to be around - but how long does that last for BOTH parties - til kids are 18? So you're suggesting that all co-parents stay single until all kids of divorce are adults? You're ridiculous.

OP should absolutely NOT meet ex if ex is proven to be unhinged and unstable - particularly because she is not a step mom or even a potential one at this point. She is a girlfriend and dating this guy. Could she be the "bigger" person? Certainly - but ex gives no incentive to do so - calling OP names, demanding, etc. is all on the BF to handle his way.

I'm sorry to tell you guys but when you are not together and are co-parenting - you do not have the RIGHT to vet who your kid is around during time with other parent unless you can prove the person in question is harming the kid - and you do that through the courts - not just yelling out demands.

OP should continue to pursue this relationship - and decide if all the drama is worth it in the end - but that's where her obligation ends - she doesn't owe the ex anything. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Also I want to add that she did these things months to weeks before I had ever even thought about meeting the kid, so it wasn’t in response to that.

Okay so clearly she called you these names before she knew anything about you. Clearly it’s not personal, she’s another bitter who will never be respectful to her child’s father or any woman in his life because of their past. So what?

I’m a much younger second wife and step mom whose husband’s bitter ex has called me every name in the book, so listen to me.

Do you want a good relationship with this child? Is that important to you? Do you think starting the relationship off with her mother this way is going to foster that? She obviously talks trash and will have no problem doing so to the child— do you think the child‘s feelings toward you will not be influenced by what her mother says, who she likely spends a lot more time with? Who cares what the court order says that some PPs seem to think is all that matters. What matters is this child who is unfortunately surrounded by 3 immature adults.

Why do you care so much what she has said about you? Why does your boyfriend? Is he not over her yet? Your biggest beef is she won’t respect “boundaries he put up out of respect for you” LOL darling. It’s actually just contempt he has towards her for whatever transpired between them and he is playing you to be so outraged by her so he can feel better about his part in their failed relationship. My husband and I could not care less about what his hateful ex goes on and on about. She’s so awful to both of us, but like, so what? Their children are watching and they can see very clearly that she is the unhinged one and they love and respect me so much, and I love them.

Why can’t you just meet her? No one says be best friends, but say hi and introduce yourself be cordial. However she views you after that is her problem. But I dont think it’s as bad as you think since she did extend the olive branch and tried to put together a gift for you. Do you have children yourself? Because I can tell you that any new playdate or birthday party that is drop off only, naturally you would want to at least meet the adults in charge for a few minutes to feel the vibe and preview where your child will be staying. And that’s only for 2 hours. It’s not unreasonable that she wants to meet someone who spends so much time with their precious child.

And girl, the way you got so upset when someone called him his wife?? Yikes. Tone that down.

If only more stepmothers could be like you PP.