Mom was just diagnosed with cancer. What non-medical tips do you have?

[Anonymous]

My mom was just diagnosed with an aggressive metastatic cancer. She's only 66, was incredibly healthy and fit, and so this comes as a huge shock. We're still waiting for the final diagnosis, but are down to two possibilities, both aggressive cancers with short runways. I live across the county and have two little kids (ages 6 and 3) who are very close to my parents. I'm looking for non-medical suggestions about what people did or wished they'd done for a parent in this situation. For example, I just ordered her the AncestryDna kit that we've always talked about but never got around to ordering, and we are starting a family book club with my mom, dad, and siblings. I previously did lots of interviews with my mom and put together her family history, but other ideas like those would be great.

My mom is ironically a doctor who specialized in preventative medicine and saw lots of cancer patients over the years, so she has the medical piece under control (to the extent that it's controllable). For now, she's also in a good spot mentally and spiritually, although I know there's a hard road ahead. We don't have firm information yet, but based on early indicators and the drastic decline in her health, it sounds like we have less than 6 months unless something miraculous happens. I'm a mess right now, but am trying to focus on positive, meaningful things that I can do to be supportive, either in-person or from a distance. We are flying across the county to visit, but I suspect that having my kids and my niece and nephew there for too long will be exhausting for my parents.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god I am sorry. This is the worst news. Both my parents went this way. I was in btwn jobs both times and spent a lot of time with them- thats all I can offer. Try to be with her as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. My dad was diagnosed at 67. My advice to is talk as much as you can. See her as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry. I remember hearing that my mom had leukemia when I had kids the same age. I lived overseas at the time and picked two 10-day windows to see her. DH and a sitter watched the kids. It was so nice to be there for that length of time. It sounds like everything you’re doing is great. ((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. Lost a parent to cancer in 2011

People facing this diagnosis sometimes make a big turn towards (or away) from religion.

Try to be supportive either way, even if it conflicts with how you feel. Try to respect their beliefs.

My own parent turned away before he passed, so there was nothing for us to do in that regard.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I went through this with my dad. If anything I learned it’s so unpredictable. They can seem fine and then take a turn very quickly. We were in and out of the hospital. Sometimes the opposite - they do better much longer than anyone thought.

I made sure to say “I love you everyday” and just be present. My dad didn’t want to talk about his condition or being treated like a cancer patient. He said “when people find out your diagnosis that’s all they see”. He preferred to hear about his grandkids and our lives and try to live as normally as possible. He did not want to die on a hospital and we pulled strings to get him home before. I’m so glad we were able to do that.

I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone! It’s helpful to get other peoples’ thoughts. And to the person who mentioned religion—it’s interesting you mentioned that, and it’s great advice. My parents were devout Catholics but left the church last year over the church’s treatment of LBGT people. I’d never advocated for this or asked them to do it in any way because I know how much the church meant to my mom throughout her life, but I’m a lesbian married to another woman and my mom didn’t like what the church was saying about people like us. So your advice is quite timely—I may see if my dad wants to get back in touch with their priest or church community, because I would literally do anything that brings my mom comfort or peace. Thank you so much for those words of wisdom!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. We went through this with my mom last year, same shocking diagnosis.

When I look back, I am so glad I just spent time with her. I remember lying next to her and rubbing her head, and just talking. I told her she was the best mom ever.

We kept needing more support and help than we thought we would. You should interview home care agencies now and get that lined up. You might go through a few workers before you find ones that click with your family. I would also advise getting a hospital bed sooner than you think you need one. We waited and it was really hard trying to get my mom comfortable in her regular bed.

One thing I’ve been grateful for, in this nightmare of losing her, is that she never had any pain. I hope that your mom is the same. All my hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

If there are ways she can still mother you, like giving advice or listening to parenting issues or relaying family recipes...let her. She likely still wants to feel like she is contributing. Like she is more than a cancer patient.

I am sorry for this shocking and stressful news. May you all find a way through it, and peace.

[Anonymous]

perhaps she wants to set up a scholarship or award in her name? For younger women coming up, or some cause that is meaningful to her?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I went through this with my mom when my kids were very little. Mainly just spend time with her. Play her favorite music. Hold her hand. Get her really comfortable shoes that she can slip on and off easily.

Agree with a pp about searching for home care aide now.

One thing I wish I'd done, and this is really for me and my kids more than for her, was hiring a photographer to come to her home and take candid pictures of us just spending time together. I wish I'd done this when she was still physically able to interact with the kids. It will be a gift to them, and to you. This type of photography is very expensive, but in the grand scheme of things would be worth it.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP.

F*ckcancer is a great organization that has great tips and help for patients and families. It’s Yael Cohen Braun’s organization as there are two with that name. It’s listed as Let’s f cancer, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. We went through this with my mom last year, same shocking diagnosis.

When I look back, I am so glad I just spent time with her. I remember lying next to her and rubbing her head, and just talking. I told her she was the best mom ever.

We kept needing more support and help than we thought we would. You should interview home care agencies now and get that lined up. You might go through a few workers before you find ones that click with your family. I would also advise getting a hospital bed sooner than you think you need one. We waited and it was really hard trying to get my mom comfortable in her regular bed.

One thing I’ve been grateful for, in this nightmare of losing her, is that she never had any pain. I hope that your mom is the same. All my hugs to you.

My parents had a split twin tempurpedic with adjustable base (she could be up while he was down) - never had to get the hospital bed in. Got a bedside caddy, later an adjustable bar to help her get in and out on her own.

Thinking of you OP. I'd say journal fun memories and relive them. It'll feel hard in the moment to take the time, but I wish I would have. You'll be reflecting on her life for the rest of yours, so it'd be nice to have.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. My husband died several years ago of an aggressive leukemia and it was such a difficult time.

- we took one bucket trip while he was still feeling good.
- we spent time at our cabin
- we spent a lot of time with our grandkids while he was feeling ok. They are exhausting but the energy and life was a welcome relief
- we discussed all the things he worried about (money, our youngest son's job situation, etc). Going through all the numbers and talking stuff out was helpful for him as he prepared to leave

Things can change quickly at the end, so I would try to keep that in mind. We held an early birthday party when it was unclear how long he would live. At some point, he couldn't tolerate visitors any more and we had to turn friends away who thought they had more time to say goodbye. I think we did a pretty good job overall, but the last days were not good days for reminiscing, visiting, or making arrangements.

Hugs to you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP! It is a very difficult time! We just went through the same. Christmas to now. One thing that was helpful, we got and set up an Amazon Echo. We video called several times a week when we couldn't be with her. it has a larger screen, was very user friendly for the older person. She couldn't really manage other tech options very well but we could easily check in with her via Echo. We would just chat and the kids would talk to her and play in the background. She really enjoyed it. We also loaded it with family photos that circled through the screen throughout the day and when we went out and about, I'd snap a few photos and add it to the stream.