Siblings at same private school-questions

[Anonymous]

What has it been like for other parents with second child at the schoo lwho follows in the foot steps of the first child. Both are same sex and will be only one grade apart and have very different personalities. Also, my first child is considered by many teachers to be a *Star*. Just wondered how the sibling dynamics played out and how this can impact the second sibling. I do not want second child to always be called the brother of my first DC. Any tips, experience, advice on ways to handle this new experience with both attending the same school? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Tell the school that you don't necessarily want your second child to have the same teachers as the first. I would recommend that for the first couple of years they don't, just to avoid comparisons. Talk to previous school about what they would recommend about requests at your new school.

[Anonymous]

I bet every single one of your son's teachers has taught another sibling and will calibrate their teaching to him, not his older sister. Perhaps discuss your concerns with the appropriate faculty member? Not sure what grade this is. I would not request that he not have any of the same teachers. That's sending the message that you possibly a.) don't think the teachers are pro's and b.) you wonder if you son can cut it.

[Anonymous]

I know a family that has two girls just one year apart. The girls are fairly different also, and I don't think its been a problem at all - the family is very happy at the school. I don't think the second one had the same teacher as the first this year, but they did have the same preschool teacher and I don't think there was any problem with a comparison, at least during school hours. The girls have different friends, different activities and such. I think they love sharing a school and are very close, but during school hours, they are in different places.

[Anonymous]

OP, most teachers are professional enough to understand these differences.

[Anonymous]

PP I disagree. Teachers and doctors are some of the first to make comparisons about my sons when they meet them. I think it is especially true when the personalities are noticeably different.

[Anonymous]

10:25 (are you also OP?) As they should! And they respond to their personalities accordingly. Really they've been dealing with this for years.

[Anonymous]

10:25 no not OP but it makes me cringe when teachers and doctors SAY oh he's nothing like his brother. I usually say "oh they just have different approaches". Not saying there's anything sinister about it, just would like my youngest to avoid hearing this for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Teachers are people, and although many have been trained to value differences, some are still not quite aware of the fact that they're showing preferential treatment or making comparisons among/between students.

So rather than focusing on the teachers, OP, it's partly your job to instill in your children a love of learning and an appreciation of differences. So if your oldest is indeed a "star," your star should be humble. And your youngest should learn to appreciate his/her strengths.

Don't view differences in a negative way; emphasize what makes each child special.

[Anonymous]

10:59 here. 13:21 It does sound insensitive. For what it's worth: I was the star, my brother a year behind me, and the teachers were very sensitive to my being a tough act to follow, so much so that my parents overdid it and we were never allowed to talk about my accomplishments at the dinner table, they assumed I was all confident and he was vulnerable. So you can go too far in the other direction, too.

[Anonymous]

When things worked well, which mostly they did, I viewed my older sister as the "tester," who also did me the favor of prepping the teachers so they had a mostly positive view of my potential contributions. Looking back, that might have been influenced by my parents' spin, but it did help.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the all the input. With the private school my two sons are attending the teachers will overlap and it will be impossilble to request different teachers. When I was younger I had huge age gap with my younger sibling so this is all new to me as a parent plus I went to public school that was rather large. So with our current private school being so small I was just starting to really think about the dynamics with my two children and wondering how to handle this the best way. I have been looking for tips on the internet and looking for a good book about sibling rivalry. My two children are already very competitive together and I have done what I thought were things that would of reduced some of that but I think that despite my efforts that given their close age and same gender that this sibling rivalry has a mind of its own at times. I just hope that the teacher are professional and do not constantly compare the way the preschool did. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Have you looked at Siblings w/o Rivalry? (Faber and Mazlich) I didn't read it (only child) but have heard good things about it and I really liked their How to Talk So Kids will Listen.

[Anonymous]

OP, just because teachers make remarks to you comparing the two kids does not mean the teacher ever says anything to the youngest child. As someone who has been a teacher, it is a natural thing when one has a second child in the same family to bring up the older sibling in conversation to the parent (if only because sometimes it's awkward finding something to talk about to that parent!). And it can be an easy frame of reference to explain how a child is doing: "Joe may not enjoy reading as much as Jack did, but Joe is actually a stronger writer." Maybe that's annoying for the parent--I can see maybe it could be--but I'm sure the teacher would not generally say such a thing directly to the child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I strongly urge you from using the word "star" or any other label. This is family therapy 101.

I am sorry to hear that your parents over-compensated for you achievements by not acknowledging your successes so that your siblings didn't feel slighted. While I'm sure your parents had the best intentions they hurt you. However, I hope you know it is equally important to avoid such labels as "star" and I would focus on being an equal opportunity parent - because the comparison begin at home. These labels only cause issues when children grow up. Be it the star, clown, shy, whatever the label. Absolutely acknowledge your oldest achievements and also find ways to genuinely acknowledge what stands out about your younger child. Do your best to celebrate each child for who they are. Hopefully your children are at a school that does not compare children. Because one will always be better than the other in something and nothing good comes from it. Embrace the love for both your children and everything will work out.