How do you handle school breaks when coparenting?
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Anonymous
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DH and I are in the one-year long separation phase required in VA before filing for divorce. I'm wondering how others with young elementary aged kids split holiday breaks in terms of childcare. For some background, I have always worked part-time from home and DH is essential and has always gone into his place of work. He has continued to during covid, which has left all of the daytime virtual learning to me.
With winter break coming up, I'm trying to figure out how to manage the two weeks the kids won't be occupied while I work. DH is refusing to take any time off at all and I can't afford to use up all of my vacation leave to keep the kids entertained. Obviously, this year is harder than most bc I can't just easily hire a sitter to come into my house due to covid. I'm guessing I will have to suck it up and cobble together my hours while the kids are home, but I'm thinking more about the future and what to expect from a coparent. If he refuses to take off, should he have to pay for and arrange a sitter or winter break camp? What do most divorced families do in this situation? TIA |
Anonymous
| He has to figure out what to do with the kids on his time. For longer breaks like summer, you would probably split the cost of camps. If dad has the kids for spring break then he figures out how to entertain them. Make sure to talk about all the breaks and holidays in the custody agreement. |
Anonymous
| We don’t live near each other (I moved several hundred miles away almost 10 years ago), but we split the breaks and whoever has the kid is responsibility for finding childcare. Childcare for work purposes is a shared expense in our child support agreement, so we do split the cost (no matter who has the kid). |
Anonymous
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Put in a right of first refusal for times he is having childcare.
Be sure to hold him to his time, and even ask him now what he is planning to do to cover his childcare. It will be a big adjustment for him to have to think about this. Tell him right now that you would like to split winter break 50/50 and if he won't take time off, get a sitter. To make the point. |
Anonymous
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Do NOT use up all your vacation time because he won't do his share. You are going to really need that time when you are divorced. Insist on hiring childcare and make sure he gets it through his head that childcare is going to be his responsibility.
You are not on the same team anymore and you need to look out for yourself. |
Anonymous
| How long until the one year is up? Maybe this is your chance to have some real talk with him about how he will cope. |
Anonymous
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Do you two still live together op?
I ask because if you lived separately, you’d be doing everything during your time, so it is strange that you’d complain about everything falling to you… that’s something married people say. Are you sure you want to divorce? I ask because if I were in the separation process, I’d work as much as possible during the holidays to avoid not thinking about the divorce. Might your spouse be communicating that he’d prefer to at least try to save the marriage? My belief is that a marriage can be saved so long as both people find the gender of the person they are married to attractive. As for sitters, just hire one. I’d hire one for a date with my soon to be ex husband under the rationale that a date is more fun then work and that I’d just as soon try to date the father of my kids then a bunch of randos. Point being, you’ll need to hire a sitter eventually, so start now, knowing that if you don’t, it’s not really covid you are worried about. |
Anonymous
| Split the vacations. Person with the kids arranges for childcare. Other parent could take the other kids at that point if they are able, but they are not obligated. |
Anonymous
Very odd advice, given OP’s actual question and issue. |
Anonymous
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OP here - to clarify, we are in the middle of an in-house separation that ends in April. We have no plans to reconcile as he is a serial cheater and has moved on with his latest AP. However, he won't move in with her bc he's not allowed to have our kids overnight with her until the one year period is over. It's basically a $hitshow.
I guess I'm just not sure how I can "force" him to be responsible for the kids for half of each school break (or even some small part of it). We haven't definitively decided on a custody split yet, but he has made it clear he is uninterested in anything near 50/50. It's not like child support is going to make up for my lost vacation time either. |
Anonymous
Well, the way you can hold him to things is through the court ordered agreement, when you have one. Until then you don't have much leverage, it's true. What kind of custody split does he actually want? |
Anonymous
| What are your working hours? The ages of the kids? If you work mornings only, can you hire a sitter for those hours? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like this is and would be your situation regardless of separating right? How old are the kids. I actually find it a bit easier to work when my kids don’t have school in some ways. Let the kids be bored. Let them watch tv. |
Anonymous
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OP back again - I ramped up up to 80% when I found out he was cheating so I have a leg to stand on career-wise when the divorce is final. He wants every other weekend and once a week dinner. It's sad.
I would typically hire childcare but it's hard to find someone willing to come into a house with a first responder. |
Anonymous
Then don't agree to that. I think dads should do every other week, or at least 25%. Yours is only doing 2/14. |