How to support 13 yo bisexual son

[Anonymous]

I knew this was coming for a few years, as my son has said since he was 8 or 9 that he didn't know if he liked boys or girls more. I've always been supportive and let my son that he can always talk to me, and over the past few months DS has said several times that he knows that he's bisexual. I've told him that his dad and I love him, support him and just want him to be happy. I just don't know how else to support him. We moved from DC several years ago and live in the south now in a town that's nowhere near as progressive as DC. I told my son that this is his life and his information to share when and how he wants to share it with family/friends. I worry about him being really open at this point, because I don't want him to be discriminated against or targeted when he starts high school next year. My husband seems to think that our son might grow out of this, but I know in my heart that this is not a phase and this is who my sweet son is. We don't live in a town where many, if any, of the kids come out publicly this early, so I don't think my son is just going along with a trend. How can I best support him without smothering or overprotecting him? I love this kid so much and just want to be the mom that he needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Look into whether there is a PFLAG chapter in your area. (PFLAG.org/find) If not, many chapters are meeting online, including PFLAG MetroDC, and you can join an online meeting and get support from parents who have been there, plus resources and workshops, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. I'll check out PFLAG to see if we have anything near us.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't have much to add except you are a great parent! Your son is a lucky person to have such caring parents.

[Anonymous]

You probably know this already but most people do phase out of bisexuality into just gay.

I’m 43. Being gay or bi at 13 was not even in my radar. For what it’s worth I’m extremely happy. Married to my husband for 20 years. 3 kids. Thriving. And your sons has way less challenges today than existed 25 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I guarantee you that your son is not the only kid wherever you live, who is not straight.

It's like having a miscarriage or abortion. You think you know nobody who's had one, but if you announce yours, people immediately come out of the woodwork to say they also went through it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for your kind responses. I think my son probably is gay, but I want to respect him and let him label (or not label) himself in whatever way makes sense for him right now. We visited a potential high school yesterday, and one of the boys on the student panel proudly said that he's part of the LGBTQ club at school. It really made me feel better about high school for my son knowing that things are not quite as bigoted as when I was growing up.

And PP with a happy marriage and kids, thank you so much for your wonderful input. I have many gay friends who are married with families (and some single friends with equally fabulous lives!), and it gives me hope to know that he can make a wonderful life for himself.

Thank you all again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably know this already but most people do phase out of bisexuality into just gay.

I’m 43. Being gay or bi at 13 was not even in my radar. For what it’s worth I’m extremely happy. Married to my husband for 20 years. 3 kids. Thriving. And your sons has way less challenges today than existed 25 years ago.

Please stop trying to erase us.

OP, I’m bisexual. We exist; our identities are not experimentation or a waystation to something else. We are just as legitimate as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

You should tell him not to define himself at such an early age, particularly in terms of sexual orientation that (one must hope) is purely theoretical at this point. An obsessive focus on sexual orientation as equivalent to personal identity, particularly at his age, is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell him not to define himself at such an early age, particularly in terms of sexual orientation that (one must hope) is purely theoretical at this point. An obsessive focus on sexual orientation as equivalent to personal identity, particularly at his age, is not healthy.

OP here. He absolutely does not have an obsessive focus on his sexual orientation. He's more obsessed with being a "gamer" than with anything else. It's just something that he's brought up to me a handful of times, and I think it's perfectly healthy for him to question and think about his sexuality as he's on the cusp of puberty.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me that you are already doing what you can do to support him. Keep it up!

[Anonymous]

Outside of simply accepting what he has revealed and treating him as you always did, is there really anything else you have to do to "support"?

My daughter came out as bi and I think it was more important to her that I know and also that she hid it from me because she was confused by it herself than anything else.

I told her her orientation does not matter to me, I only care that she find herself a loving parter of whatever gender. She clearly wants to be married and have children. She can do that with a man or a woman.

One thing that was cute was we were able to watch some of the old shows she used to watch and she could finally reveal her crush characters to me.

She has an online group of friends on the LGBTQ spectrum and its a non issue. She is 14, has a boyfriend in Erie PA that she met via gaming. She has never been kissed. With Covid it looks like it will be a while.

The way I see it, I will just continue to tell her what I know about people and relationships, which is the best support I can give her.

Simply accepting what he says at face value so he could offload it and be secure in knowing you still love him is all the support he probably needs. Im not sure he needs a support group, why would he? You could let him decide when his orientation is a problem, if it ever is, and get support then. Just an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell him not to define himself at such an early age, particularly in terms of sexual orientation that (one must hope) is purely theoretical at this point. An obsessive focus on sexual orientation as equivalent to personal identity, particularly at his age, is not healthy.

Well said. At 13, I probably would have fooled around with anyone. I didn’t think of this as being bi or straight and certainly didn’t need to make a proclamation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell him not to define himself at such an early age, particularly in terms of sexual orientation that (one must hope) is purely theoretical at this point. An obsessive focus on sexual orientation as equivalent to personal identity, particularly at his age, is not healthy.

I doubt you’d say that if the kid said he knew he liked only girls.

You’re being homophobic.

[Anonymous]

But him a Playboy AND a Playgirl.