Stepdaughter cussing out mother

[Anonymous]

My stepdaughter (14) is staying with us until school starts in a few weeks. Her mother calls her every day to check on her. Sometimes she doesn’t answer, but when she does, she’s constantly yelling or cussing her mother out. I’m wondering if I should say something to DH about it so he can address with her or should I mind my own business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter (14) is staying with us until school starts in a few weeks. Her mother calls her every day to check on her. Sometimes she doesn’t answer, but when she does, she’s constantly yelling or cussing her mother out. I’m wondering if I should say something to DH about it so he can address with her or should I mind my own business?

Stepmom here. I certainly wouldn't say anything to your stepdaughter about it, but I can't see anything wrong with talking to her father and just letting him know what's going on. Don't expect him to step in; it's between his daughter and her mother. But if I were your spouse, I'd want to know. This kind of stuff happens with 14 year olds and their moms sometimes. Not your place to do anything, but discussing stuff with your husband is good as long as you have no preconceived expectations of what he should do, if anything.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Dad, or you should do something. Its not acceptable behavior and Dad needs to tell his child and give her consequences for speaking to her mother that way. I wouldn't let it go.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I’ll speak to him about this.

[Anonymous]

Of course you should talk to your H but he should not say anything to her until he witnesses it otherwise you are a narc.

I don’t think she needs “consequences” she probably needs love.

What types of things is your H doing with her one on one while she is with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should talk to your H but he should not say anything to her until he witnesses it otherwise you are a narc.

I don’t think she needs “consequences” she probably needs love.

What types of things is your H doing with her one on one while she is with you?

This. You don't have to tolerate the behavior, but could it be that she's not just randomly cussing at her mother for no reason? Yes, it could be. He should try to figure out the reason and address it to the extent possible and appropriate. The cussing is just a symptom.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her there is no cussing in my house!

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that I care about her and would like to help with whatever is causing her distress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her there is no cussing in my house!

+1 Not only would I not tolerate that in my house, but you are shirking your responsibilities by allowing her to speak to her mother like that. Sheesh, someone should step up and be the adult, and teach her what's not acceptable when speaking to others -- her own mother, no less. She may think it's fine since no one teaches her otherwise. That's not preparing her for adult life as a well adjusted happy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that I care about her and would like to help with whatever is causing her distress.

I was that teenager and it was because I had found out about my mother's infidelity and her embezzlement from her employer. Don't assume there is not a good reason for the child's anger. And only ask why she is upset if you actually want to know. You might get more than you expectes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that I care about her and would like to help with whatever is causing her distress.

Same. Our house rule is courtesy is owed, respect is earned, and love is given. She may not feel her mother is worthy of respect right now (like many teens feel), but she is owed courtesy. And that includes learning how to manage difficult and angry conversations without cursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that I care about her and would like to help with whatever is causing her distress.

Same. Our house rule is courtesy is owed, respect is earned, and love is given. She may not feel her mother is worthy of respect right now (like many teens feel), but she is owed courtesy. And that includes learning how to manage difficult and angry conversations without cursing.

Yes. And the underlying reason (whether it is teen mental illness, or the substance of their disagreement) may be far more important to address than the cursing, which is merely a symptom of something being wrong. Just telling her to stop it is taking the easy way out. Be a good parent and deal with the real issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that I care about her and would like to help with whatever is causing her distress.

Same. Our house rule is courtesy is owed, respect is earned, and love is given. She may not feel her mother is worthy of respect right now (like many teens feel), but she is owed courtesy. And that includes learning how to manage difficult and angry conversations without cursing.

Yes. And the underlying reason (whether it is teen mental illness, or the substance of their disagreement) may be far more important to address than the cursing, which is merely a symptom of something being wrong. Just telling her to stop it is taking the easy way out. Be a good parent and deal with the real issues.

FFS, why does everything have to be a Freudian exercise and a serious problem? It is very possible the girl is just testing boundaries and thinks she's all grown up because she knows how to curse. It's not like she is cutting up small animals.

OP, the bigger issue here is maintaining YOUR boundaries. As a stepmother who tries to intervene you will be viewed badly no matter how right you are. This is the role of the bio parent, meaning her father should be the one taking the reins on this.

[Anonymous]

I'd say something to the husband. Let him talk to her, it should really come from him.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t this a parenting issue for her mother? If her mother doesn’t want her daughter speaking to her that way, it’s for her to her address with her daughter.