RAD kids grown up -- a question for therapists or those with direct experience

[Anonymous]

I'm posting my question in this forum because I assume there would be more RAD kids in adopted families than in the general population but that's just my guess.

Any therapists out there, or anyone with first hand knowledge of someone with RAD, who grew up and became a parent? I'm wondering if RAD kids who have the "evil nurturer" relationship with their parent grow up to have the same type of relationship with their own kids, i.e., thwarting the relationship with their kids and trying to sabotage them subtly or overtly, because it is too risky for them to actually be in that particular kind of relationship.

Thx.

[Anonymous]

Op,

RAD isn’t necessarily the product of someone intentionally abusing a child. It sounds like you need to talk to someone in real life about your concerns. The women’s center charges on a sliding scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,

RAD isn’t necessarily the product of someone intentionally abusing a child. It sounds like you need to talk to someone in real life about your concerns. The women’s center charges on a sliding scale.

+1, its many things but mainly not bonding at an early age and having trouble forming attachments. Its often more neglect than abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting my question in this forum because I assume there would be more RAD kids in adopted families than in the general population but that's just my guess.

Any therapists out there, or anyone with first hand knowledge of someone with RAD, who grew up and became a parent?

I'm wondering if RAD kids who have the "evil nurturer" relationship with their parent grow up to have the same type of relationship with their own kids, i.e., thwarting the relationship with their kids and trying to sabotage them subtly or overtly, because it is too risky for them to actually be in that particular kind of relationship.

Thx.

.... Shudder ....

This sounds like you grew up with a real life Mother Gothel from Rapunzel (Tangled).

I don't know anything about RAD, but if you indeed did grow up with a mother like that, I'm truly so very sorry.

I can't even imagine what it does to your head growing up with someone THAT passive-aggressive, playing head games, with a deep martyr, victim complex.
There's no way not to grow up with PTSD...

I will say this pp, my best girlfriend grew up with an absolutely horrific mother & it wasn't until she was 15 that the courts would finally remove her from her custody & my parents became her guardian.

Prior to that, we tried for at least 5 years to get her mother to sign over custody to us, but she would always claim that she didn't want to give up that $800 a month child support check.

So when my parents told her that she could keep the monthly check, she wouldn't have to sign over custody to my parents and nobody would inform her father that she wasn't living with her mother, so the checks wouldn't stop, we thought that she had no excuse not to allow it (my friend was the product of an affair & his wife expressly forbid him having any contact with his daughter, so those monthly checks were the only proof that her father had that she even existed).

Little did we know how truly MISERABLE of a human being that she really was.

After she had to give up the child support as an excuse, then she tried to claimed that she did not want to lose control over her daughter's well being (let's call it what it is, she didn't want to give up mind control & manipulation of her cash cow... well being had ZERO to do with it). When we told her she wouldn't lose any control of anything, she hemmed & hawed a little more and then the truth FINALLY came out.

A little background: both of my parents are entrepreneurs and my father is a successful real estate developer. I guess you would say that they are comfortably well off, but they are definitely not showy or ostentatious.

So, after one of her binge drinking sessions, she was packing a bag to stay at my house for the weekend & that's when it all came out... the real reason she didn't allow her daughter to live with us, was because she was jealous that her daughter got to live in "the lap of luxury" & she couldn't.

Knowing how desperate we all were to get her out of the situation, this woman actually tried emotionally extorting my parents, saying that she could only come live with us if they paid her $100,000. Obviously that wasn't going to happen, so my parents told her $25,000 take it or leave it... she took it. They had an NDA & confidential papers drawn & the check was stamped that by cashing this check she agrees to all of the rules in the document & it was considered the end of their business together.

They obviously knew that they could have gotten away with giving her MUCH less, however that $$ was chosen for my friends fragile self esteem... they didn't want her to know that her mom probably would have given her up for a carton of Marlboros & a 6 pack of Budweiser.

Getting back to the original point.
She had a couple of rough years after moving in, because it was tough for her to see first hand how differently I was raised with unconditional love & support... no head games, no manipulation. Even though she didn't do it intentionally, she was becoming resentful/ jealous of me -- because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if you're living in the "lap of luxury", because even if you're living in the most expensive home in the world with the finest things money can buy, you can't escape the PTSD from years & years of systematic trauma.
I understood when she'd lash out & I became her emotional punching bag (I'm after hearing all if her trauma, I felt guilty growing up with so much love & support). When she'd do this, I'd just remind her that it was ok, I understood & I'd never stop loving her.

Once she moved in, my parents got her into intense therapy 3 times a week with her consent & that's when she really started opening up & trusting us with all of the secrets, lies & abuse that she'd been through (we had no idea of the half of it, we all bawled our eyes out together & reminded her endlessly that she was in a safe environment, we will love her forever & she'll never, ever have to live that way again).

Today, she's married with 4 kids & she is quite possibily the best mom I've ever known... even better than my own mom & I didn't think I'd ever say that about anyone!

She attributes it to her traumatic childhood.
She says if she'd never gone through all of the bad, she wouldn't know what NOT to do.
Nobody had to teach her, it all came so naturally to her. Part of it was wanting to be a better mom than hers as the biggest FU ever and part of it was about proving to herself that her past will NEVER define her future.

[Anonymous]

That isn't RAD - that is a crappy childhood. Nice rant though.

[Anonymous]

You know purchasing kids is illegal.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

You need to stop self diagnosing and no, that is not what its about. It's not sabotaging that closeness again. And usually those kids don't have a primary caregiver. You need real therapy and not some internet nut to tell you you have serious issues and its not RAD. You are talking about a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

You’re going to have a very difficult time figuring anyone out if you equate CIO with RAD. You’re too ignorant and Ill-informed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

You need to stop self diagnosing and no, that is not what its about. It's not sabotaging that closeness again. And usually those kids don't have a primary caregiver. You need real therapy and not some internet nut to tell you you have serious issues and its not RAD. You are talking about a personality disorder.

I was hoping to get feedback from an actual therapist about the issue, not about a diagnosis. As I said, it's not about me. I am asking about someone who DOES have RAD, and how that plays out in relationships as an adult, specifically in being a parent.

Again, NOT ABOUT ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

You’re going to have a very difficult time figuring anyone out if you equate CIO with RAD. You’re too ignorant and Ill-informed.

No, this is not true. If you leave a baby crying until they figure out they aren't going to be tended to, the effect on the baby is the same, whether you're in the other room doing crack, servicing a john or reading a book about CIO.

[Anonymous]

I am one and am internet diagnosis is not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Op are you trying to help an adult diagnosed with RAD who also happens to be a parent? Unless they’ve asked for help, this can be difficult.

PACE moms were started to help support new moms, especially but not limited to moms with ppd. A depressed parent may have trouble responding/bonding to a child. If this person has an older child, suggesting a parenting class might help, but only if they asked for help.

Again, the women’s center does counseling and it’s hard for well meaning novices to formulate appropriate responses without knowing specifics. Sharing these specifics one on one with a therapist, counselor, or social worker would be your best bet.

[Anonymous]

Kids with RAD graduate to personality disorder diagnoses as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. RAD is something that is formed/learned because of neglect or abuse at a very, very, very young age. (Take note all you "cry it out" parents....) It makes the baby unable to form a close attachment with a caregiver, unable to know they will always be there to meet their needs.

Then, as the baby becomes a child, the child can't handle being close to a caregiver so they sabotage that closeness again and again and again, sometimes in ways only the target is aware of.

Anyway, I was asking because I wanted to know what happens to that pattern, of pushing away someone who should be very close by sabotaging the relationship, when the child grows up. Do they do this to their own children, to keep from feeling that close connection?

I was hoping for some feedback from a therapist. I'm not purchasing kids or ranting about my own crappy childhood. Trying to figure someone else out.

you just lost all credibility. try getting your information about child development from actual child psychologists.