What punishments are acceptable for 18+ year olds?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp upthread who said that the time for punishment is over once they reach adulthood. Now, you just let them face consequences of their actions. For example, my 25 y.o. son got pulled over and jailed for marijuana possession in a state where it's still illegal. He called me from said jail hoping for emotional support.

What he received was anything but.

I promptly got off the phone with him to give him time to sort out his (his: operative word) mess. No bail assistance, no words of encouragement, and no criticism either.

Play clown games, win clown prizes was the extent of my input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc


What leverage do you have over them? Do you pay for their car insurance or phone bill? If so, withdraw financial support.

If it keeps up and gets worse, you can ultimately kick them out. Being a respectful, responsible family member is a condition of your providing them, as an adult, with shelter and other resources. If they don’t like those terms and conditions, they’re free to find their own accommodations where they can behave however they like.

This. We (the adult parents providing the resources) do not have to subject ourselves to bad housemates. If you want to be a jerk roommate, then go see how that works out for you with people your own age on your own dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

I can't imagine punishing an adult for arguing with their sibling. And you don't assign chores to another adult. If they are living at home, they are expected to pick up after themselves and do their share of household tasks, just as they would if they were living with roommates. If they are unwilling to carry their weight, then (1) I'd stop doing chores and favors that benefit them and (2) we'd be setting a timeline for them to move out.

And I'd need more facts about "refusing to do something" in a "time of panic." What was the emergency? What did you want them to do? Was it really necessary for them to do that? Would doing that require them to, say, miss work? Generally, I just don't do favors for people who don't reciprocate, so the natural consequences of refusing to help out in a pinch would be that they shouldn't expect me to help them out when they are in a jam, barring actual or imminent bodily injury or danger.

Yeah, refusing to do something in a "time of panic" is a red flag for me because this indicates that the PARENT was in a panic and was asking their kid to help them out of a jam. This indicates a parent who operates on an emergency basis a lot and expects their children to pick up the slack. Problematic, to say the least. The fact that now that parent is looking to punish the child for not helping them out of a jam just speaks to a very dysfunctional relationship, likely one in which their adult child has been parentified and is probably fighting back against it now that they are not legally a minor.

The thing that's the red flag for me is that OP even came up with this as an example, suggesting that it's something that happens regularly. How many emergencies do you have, that your adult child not helping out is a major issue?

It could have just been once, but then it seems like the kind of thing that you'd have some patience with an 18 year old for. Who is well-equipped to handle an emergency at 18? Most people aren't and I think most people would try to skirt that responsibility out of fear of failure or just feeling overwhelmed. It might not be your proudest moment as a parent, but I feel like I'd look at that and say "ok, I wish you'd been able to show up for your sister when I fell down at work and had to go to the hospital, but I understand that was a scary and overwhelming situation for you that you haven't dealt with before and you didn't feel up to it in that moment." Like I'm trying to think of a family emergency where I'd just be unforgiving of a young adult who wasn't able to handle it perfectly and I can't. Odds are good that if it was an emergency moment for OP or another child, it was also an emergency moment for the 18 year old, and some empathy is in order. That's a lot to put on a very young adult.

WTH, why are you infantilizing an adult?!?! Unless an 18 year old has an emotional disability or developmental delay, they should have the maturity to handle a parent having to go to the hospital. FFS. If an 18 year old blew off a parent’s request for help in this instance, that’s ridiculous. And while I don’t think “punishment” would do any good, you bet your bippy I wouldn’t be rewarding that kind of immature selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

I can't imagine punishing an adult for arguing with their sibling. And you don't assign chores to another adult. If they are living at home, they are expected to pick up after themselves and do their share of household tasks, just as they would if they were living with roommates. If they are unwilling to carry their weight, then (1) I'd stop doing chores and favors that benefit them and (2) we'd be setting a timeline for them to move out.

And I'd need more facts about "refusing to do something" in a "time of panic." What was the emergency? What did you want them to do? Was it really necessary for them to do that? Would doing that require them to, say, miss work? Generally, I just don't do favors for people who don't reciprocate, so the natural consequences of refusing to help out in a pinch would be that they shouldn't expect me to help them out when they are in a jam, barring actual or imminent bodily injury or danger.

Yeah, refusing to do something in a "time of panic" is a red flag for me because this indicates that the PARENT was in a panic and was asking their kid to help them out of a jam. This indicates a parent who operates on an emergency basis a lot and expects their children to pick up the slack. Problematic, to say the least. The fact that now that parent is looking to punish the child for not helping them out of a jam just speaks to a very dysfunctional relationship, likely one in which their adult child has been parentified and is probably fighting back against it now that they are not legally a minor.

The thing that's the red flag for me is that OP even came up with this as an example, suggesting that it's something that happens regularly. How many emergencies do you have, that your adult child not helping out is a major issue?

It could have just been once, but then it seems like the kind of thing that you'd have some patience with an 18 year old for. Who is well-equipped to handle an emergency at 18? Most people aren't and I think most people would try to skirt that responsibility out of fear of failure or just feeling overwhelmed. It might not be your proudest moment as a parent, but I feel like I'd look at that and say "ok, I wish you'd been able to show up for your sister when I fell down at work and had to go to the hospital, but I understand that was a scary and overwhelming situation for you that you haven't dealt with before and you didn't feel up to it in that moment." Like I'm trying to think of a family emergency where I'd just be unforgiving of a young adult who wasn't able to handle it perfectly and I can't. Odds are good that if it was an emergency moment for OP or another child, it was also an emergency moment for the 18 year old, and some empathy is in order. That's a lot to put on a very young adult.

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