Single dad clueless dealing with pre-teen drama

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old daughter is very sensitive and lately seems to be upset daily with drama. 90% of it seems to happening on the phone. The times I can tell she is upset I will ask her about it and barely get anything more than "you wouldn't understand" or "it's too complicated to explain." I try to talk to her about fiends and it's always negative. Who started a rumor about who and who didn't get an invite to the party/sleepover. From my prospective it seems all of her interactions with peers are not healthy. She stays on her phone 24/7 besides the times I make her put it down for homework. Should I be monitoring her texts? I feel like I'm really failing at this.

[Anonymous]

Instead of taking away her phone just to do homework, take away the phone and only GIVE it to her when it's relaxing time.

Another option is, get her a super simple phone that only hooks you and her together, but no friends. Make her use that for two days straight. Then ask her how she feels removed from all the drama. Hopefully she can recognize being away from it is freeing.

Also, responses to "you wouldn't understand" are "try me" and "maybe I'm not as dumb as I look".

[Anonymous]

They are all on the phone a lot. All drama, all the time.

No phone during homework, other than that don't punish her for being normal. Monitor though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are all on the phone a lot. All drama, all the time.

No phone during homework, other than that don't punish her for being normal. Monitor though.

This. Also, can you take her out to eat or for ice cream and just chit chat? She may be more inclined to talk when you both are sitting down face to face for a while. Then when she tells you about Susie and Michelle always follow up at least every week then then a few times a day. Keep it light. "So, what did crazy Susie do this week?"

Always try to ask questions that do not result in a yes or no. This is a perfect time to chat during dinner when no phones are allowed. Ask her who she sat with at lunch today, or on the bus. "Oh you sat with Jennifer. What is Jennifer up to these days?"

If you want a relationship with your daughter you will have to keep asking questions and just listen. Give her hugs tell her you are proud of her for being a great daughter and making great decisions. If you do this it is more likely that she will continue to share with you.

Oh, i told my dad that he wouldn't understand my girl things too. His response for the weekends at his house was this "I may not understand all of it but why don't you give me a try. I helped your mother , (or aunt or family friend depending on situation) through some girl things too. We would always Chat about them." Then use an example.

Monitor text every now and then, set rules on what not to do. Do not send pictures or write things that you wouldn't share with parents, police, principal, or a preacher.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

These are the 4 words you need: "That. must. be. hard."

Say them sympathetically when your daughter sighs or moans about friend stuff or girl drama. Just listen and say those 4 words. That's it. Do NOT offer to fix anything. Do NOT offer any advice. Do NOT analyze. Do NOT make lists with her of pros or cons. Do NOT judge her friends out loud (even the ones who are causing the drama).

Do this for the next couple YEARS and you will see that she starts to open up. She will confide in you. Then one day: she will ask your opinion. That's where you offer only a very light opinion, followed by "I know this is hard."

My three girls are young adults in college. My DH did this simple approach for their whole tween and teen years. He was increasingly invited into the inner world of our daughters' lives, thoughts, feelings. They text him and call him several times a week in college. His relationship with them is remarkable.

This approach didn't happen without some coaching from me in the beginning. He will occasionally lapse into trying to fix stuff for them, but he always stops himself and let's that go. He sticks with the mantra above, and it's remarkable what the girls will talk to him about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are the 4 words you need: "That. must. be. hard."

Say them sympathetically when your daughter sighs or moans about friend stuff or girl drama. Just listen and say those 4 words. That's it. Do NOT offer to fix anything. Do NOT offer any advice. Do NOT analyze. Do NOT make lists with her of pros or cons. Do NOT judge her friends out loud (even the ones who are causing the drama).

Do this for the next couple YEARS and you will see that she starts to open up. She will confide in you. Then one day: she will ask your opinion. That's where you offer only a very light opinion, followed by "I know this is hard."

My three girls are young adults in college. My DH did this simple approach for their whole tween and teen years. He was increasingly invited into the inner world of our daughters' lives, thoughts, feelings. They text him and call him several times a week in college. His relationship with them is remarkable.

This approach didn't happen without some coaching from me in the beginning. He will occasionally lapse into trying to fix stuff for them, but he always stops himself and let's that go. He sticks with the mantra above, and it's remarkable what the girls will talk to him about.

How did you come up with this approach? Did you read it in a book?

[Anonymous]

We used that approach only because it seemed to work and it showed respect and empathy at a stage of life when tweens/teens really want that from their parents.

Having a teen girl is not like having a recalcitrant employee. They can't be "managed" like a Human Resources problem, which is probably what my DH would have naturally done, if this other approach had not worked so well.

[Anonymous]

single mom here of a 7th grade boy...we had a good bedtime chat recently and I started it by saying..."how can we make things better between us?"...we had a nice long talk, tried to problem solve around his taking charge more over planning his homework and free time. he said, "being a 7th grader is HARD." I assume this goes for 8th graders too. It's hard for him to balance his growing interest in the social (friends, girls) with increasing academic demands. he also said it's hard to manage his emotions, which feel stronger (he's very much in puberty). he also said he needs down time when he gets home from school without talking to me. and he said he would like to have talks like we had every night. it made him feel close.

I am by no means laying claim to being an expert here, just offer the discussion for what it's worth. it would confirm the prior poster who says "that must be hard." that seems like a good thing to say. it would validate your daughter's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Take the fucking phone away, geez.