Teen afraid to come out to me and her father

[Anonymous]

As I do on occasion, I was checking my 13 year old's text messages. She was telling her best friend that she knows we are supportive parents, but she is still afraid to tell us.

She knows that 75% of my friends are gay and lesbian. She doesn't know that I have dated my fair share of women over the years. She met some of them, but I didn't want to sit her down when she was 8 and explain the nature of the relationship. It seemed unecessary. I just presented it as normal.

I'd like to reach out to her, but I don't want to tell her I was reading her texts. I sat my own father down 20 years ago to tell him. For some reason, that's not really helping me mentally sort this out. It was a different time. Anyone have advice?

[Anonymous]

I would make it clear to her that you know that she's of an age when people start dating and you wanted her to know that not only do you not care who she dates so long as they treat her well, you also have experience dating men and women.

[Anonymous]

Does she know you check her texts? That may have been her indirect way of testing the waters.

I'm not sure I'd go into your bi-ish history, but you can sit her down and say, "Look, you're getting to a point in your life when your going to start considering who you like to be with, what things you want in friends, what things you want in someone you might date, etc. You might find some things attractive about boys, in general, or some boys in particular, and you might find some things attractive about girls, in general, or some girls in particular. Some might be friends material, and some might be more. I'm here if you want to talk about any of those things, in general or in particular."

[Anonymous]

She knew you would check. She wants you to go to her. Please go to her.

My DD is 14 and is either gay or bisexual. We have known since 12 and all I hear from her teachers, friends etc... how awesome she is and happy she is. Supportive parents and being out in the open make all the difference in a child's life.

[Anonymous]

I think you should give her time to come to you on her own. Maybe make a comment like "I heard that (x celebrity name) came out recently. Isn't that amazing? I'm so happy for them. It must be such a relief to get that off your chest and start anew, beautiful life" or something. I think she will get the hint, people who are waiting to come out are usually hanging on every word, waiting for some indication.

If you let her know you read her texts, I think she could feel her privacy was invaded, and it would also kind of rob her of the opportunity to process this very important event in a gay person's life

And btw, I speak from experience! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

^And I would tell her that you dated women in the past. I'm sure she will be thrilled to hear that, I know I would have been!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^And I would tell her that you dated women in the past. I'm sure she will be thrilled to hear that, I know I would have been!

+100

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm weird. And I sure I am as a bi woman married to a man with a really open relationship with my girls but, since they've been at the age of "liking" people I've asked them, "do you think any boys are cute? What about any girls?" "Do you think you like girls or boys?"
If we are all totally ok with our children's sexuality it shouldn't be weird to ask, right?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've told her that I will check her texts, but I don't do it often, and I never tell her when I have done it. I don't know if she thinks I actually check it.

I will let it be for a while. I told her about a lesbian wedding we've been invited to over the summer. I think I'll leave the door open with positive comments. I just hate that she is afraid to tell me, but I kind of understand. I guess having progressive and open parents doesn't take away all of the stress of coming out.

Thank you, everyone!

[Anonymous]

I would go to her, especially if she knows you read her texts. She's giving you an opening. It's so hard to tell, even if you feel your parents will be supportive. It's uncomfortable to talk about your sexuality with your parents no matter how open they are and especially if you're a teen. And when you think about it, you never have to "come out" when you're heterosexual. It would have been easier if my parents had asked me...but that was a long time ago. I've asked my son, not because I think he's gay, but because I want him to know that I love and support him period and to acknowledge that differences in sexuality exist and that I'm not making any assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've told her that I will check her texts, but I don't do it often, and I never tell her when I have done it. I don't know if she thinks I actually check it.

I will let it be for a while. I told her about a lesbian wedding we've been invited to over the summer. I think I'll leave the door open with positive comments. I just hate that she is afraid to tell me, but I kind of understand. I guess having progressive and open parents doesn't take away all of the stress of coming out.

Thank you, everyone!

Good idea.

Another aspect of this is that I think having a "coming out story" is an important aspect of being gay. It's kind of a milestone. So even though I know your intentions are beyond awesome, I feel like it's kind of important for her to reach that place herself. So she truly feels like she has that shared experience that every other lesbian has.

I guarantee, she will understand if you start dropping those positive comments. She seems to be thinking of what to say anyway, so if you kind of drop a few "Sarah came out, isn't that awesome?" that will nudge her in the right direction, and it won't take too long.

[Anonymous]

I hope you can get her some help, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can get her some help, OP.

Help??

[Anonymous]

Isn't the lesbian thing a "thing" right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can get her some help, OP.

Yes, I plan to offer any help I can. If you'd like to pray it away, good luck with that.