Do you ask your teenager if they are having sex?

[Anonymous]

DS is 16, a junior in high school, and has been with his girlfriend since September. Both are good kids, excellent students and both involved in extracurricular activities that give them little free time... but the girlfriend has very lax parents and no curfew or rules and her parents are often out of town.

Should I just assume they are having sex? Is this something that parents generally ask their kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Yes and yes. And for everyone's sake, make sure DS knows how to use a condom.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DS knows how to use a condom (DH gave him the full safe-sex tutorial with props) and is a generally responsible kid.

For the record, DH feels it is our son's business and we shouldn't ask. I want to know but don't actually know what I would say if/when DS says "yes".

[Anonymous]

If he says yes, just say: ok, I'm your parent so I'm only going to say this: stay safe and if you ever feel that something isn't right, makes you uncomfortable or whatever, I'm here to listen. Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Assume they are having sex and never ask a teenager a question you aren't prepared to hear the answer to.

[Anonymous]

Ack! Don't ask. I was a good kid (As, Bs, all honors classes, lots of extracurriculars like band and academic competitions) and I straight up lied to my mom when she asked. Weeks later she confronted me when she found my birth control pills....

[Anonymous]

You can ask all you want.

[Anonymous]

Yes I ask my DD all the time. She is 15 doesn't have a steady boyfriend and hasn't been dating but I know sex is all around her. I've explained that my need to know is not because I'm nosy, I just want to make sure she stays safe and healthy.

I also tell her that I'd be disappointed if she has intercourse too young or without being in a loving relationship. I had a very serious boyfriend in high school and looking back I feel like I could have waited. I see lots of high schoolers now in very serious relationships - on one hand I guess its good practice but on the other you still have all of your 20s to get through. I just wish kids didn't feel so rushed about it.

[Anonymous]

What would you say if he tells you, "Yes but don't worry because I always use a condom and Mary is on the pill"?

This is the response my DS gave me a few years ago. I was not prepared for that. I couldn't say "good for you" although I was happy he was being safe and there is no way I could have refused to let him have sex. Or grounded him for having sex. Like you, OP, it wasn't happening under my roof either. I couldn't condone it and I certainly didn't want to shame him for it.

Anyway, I just sort of mumbled something and walked away.

I have always been sorry that I asked.

[Anonymous]

I didn't ask. Both kids told me. Btw, the safe sex talk should happen more than just once.

[Anonymous]

The response to yes don't worry I always use a condom and Mary is on the pill is: ok, I'm reassured to hear that. I'm glad to hear you're being so responsible and staying safe. If you're worried about that changing, I'm here for you. Then congratulate yourself for raising a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you say if he tells you, "Yes but don't worry because I always use a condom and Mary is on the pill"?

This is the response my DS gave me a few years ago. I was not prepared for that. I couldn't say "good for you" although I was happy he was being safe and there is no way I could have refused to let him have sex. Or grounded him for having sex. Like you, OP, it wasn't happening under my roof either. I couldn't condone it and I certainly didn't want to shame him for it.

Anyway, I just sort of mumbled something and walked away.

I have always been sorry that I asked.

You did well, Mom! He felt comfortable enough to answer, and he sounds pretty darn responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The response to yes don't worry I always use a condom and Mary is on the pill is: ok, I'm reassured to hear that. I'm glad to hear you're being so responsible and staying safe. If you're worried about that changing, I'm here for you. Then congratulate yourself for raising a good kid.

Teens lie... So pointless to ask. Assume they have sex. I hope you already told them about safe sex so you can just leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

OP - No matter how "good" parents might feel about safe sex practices being practiced, just realize that these measures do not preclude the transmittal of STDs and just how would you like a son or daughter to have to go through explaining that reality to every new partner in their dating lives? Also, you also have to be ready no matter what a teen says to also here "Mom--- we were doing everything right, but Mary is pregnant?" Now what would your response to either situation be after the "safe sex talk" and the silent OK that this was just great.