Corralled into Mother Moving In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an adult “roommate to roommate” discussion with her where you tell her you are concerned that she will be negative towards you and that if that happens, you will help her seek alternative arrangements (nursing home). Make sure she understands the consequences of her behavior and then adapt accordingly.

I do think it’s unfair to not even let her try to be a decent person since you said she could move in; she’s sold her home based on that understanding. But I also think you aren’t stuck forever if she can’t behave or otherwise becomes too much to handle.

I also think you should do some work about ignoring more of what she says, not taking it personally. So what if she doesn’t like this or that about your life? You are a grown-ass woman and can live how you please. In fact, say that to her. It would feel great.

I agree with all of this.

Let her know she needs to shape up or ship out. You are still an adult and are not locked into this.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a doormat and ditch the therapist. You will have no personal life from the day you have her move in. Consider it a temporary thing, tell your siblings it isn't working out after one month together and find a retirement community for her to live in.

Seniors are selfish because almost none of them did any caregiving for their own parents. No parent should expect a child to do this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your advice. I tried the “there will be rules to follow” and she started crying about how she’s being treated like a child and how hurtful it is. I said I’m not trying to be hurtful, but we have to live in harmony. That got even more tears.

I also asked my siblings to ensure they will cover if I want to go away. Everyone is “too busy with their families, find a caretaker when you go away.” They said it much nicer than that but it was the gist of it. Back to the “you’re single and have nothing to do compared to us” message. After, I mentioned to my mom that I will need help and because she is still with it and mobile, she said that’s unnecessary, that she isn’t an invalid who has to to be “babysat.” I replied it was for her safety and that I still need breaks. I am just going to have to arrange it anyway and deal the backlash.

I wouldn’t even know where to look for such help, she doesn’t need nursing care. Just someone to stay with her and drive her places, make sure she has everything she needs.

My mother does have some money that can help toward her upkeep. But I wouldn’t even know where to start for where to look.

You are all correct: I am a doormat, and I got easily railroaded. I was too afraid to stand my ground and felt guilty because my mom was good to us. Trust me, I know I have these issues which is why I was seeing a therapist. But change takes time, it isn’t easy and my first impulse is to go into “pleasing” mode. I put everyone else first.

That sure didn’t get me anywhere with my husband. I suspect he loves the doormat in me in the beginning. I try not to beat myself up over it all but I do know it’s partially my fault for being such a pushover and always worried he will leave me. Which of course he did.

[Anonymous]

Look for “companion care.”

[Anonymous]

If they won’t give you respite then everything is on hold. Call an emergency zoom meeting. You can’t do this without boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Since she has money to contribute for her upkeep, come to an agreement before she moves in as to how much she will be paying you monthly. Don't negotiate after she moves in. At minimum, she should contribute to extra food, utilities, cleaners, a portion of the mortgage/rent, and companion care when you can't be there. I was the PP who felt coerced into taking in my dad. He paid me 5/6 of social security check which didn't cover all of his part of the mortgage, but allowed me to hire a housekeeper, buy him food, and pay for his share of the utilities, and gas for driving to appointments. Of course I was not compensated for my time but he didn't have much. I was about to apply for food stamps and other assistance for him, but he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized and ended up in a skilled nursing facility that takes Medicaid. He's out of my house now but I visit daily.

Whatever you do, come to an agreement with her and your siblings before she moves in. If she balks, then you know where she stands and it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all your advice. I tried the “there will be rules to follow” and she started crying about how she’s being treated like a child and how hurtful it is. I said I’m not trying to be hurtful, but we have to live in harmony. That got even more tears.

I also asked my siblings to ensure they will cover if I want to go away. Everyone is “too busy with their families, find a caretaker when you go away.” They said it much nicer than that but it was the gist of it. Back to the “you’re single and have nothing to do compared to us” message. After, I mentioned to my mom that I will need help and because she is still with it and mobile, she said that’s unnecessary, that she isn’t an invalid who has to to be “babysat.” I replied it was for her safety and that I still need breaks. I am just going to have to arrange it anyway and deal the backlash.

I wouldn’t even know where to look for such help, she doesn’t need nursing care. Just someone to stay with her and drive her places, make sure she has everything she needs.

My mother does have some money that can help toward her upkeep. But I wouldn’t even know where to start for where to look.

You are all correct: I am a doormat, and I got easily railroaded. I was too afraid to stand my ground and felt guilty because my mom was good to us. Trust me, I know I have these issues which is why I was seeing a therapist. But change takes time, it isn’t easy and my first impulse is to go into “pleasing” mode. I put everyone else first.

That sure didn’t get me anywhere with my husband. I suspect he loves the doormat in me in the beginning. I try not to beat myself up over it all but I do know it’s partially my fault for being such a pushover and always worried he will leave me. Which of course he did.

It’s always going to be like this. You aren’t able to have a rational, calm discussion with a lot of elderly people. There will often be crying, guilt trips, complaining etc. This one interaction was just the beginning for you. Not sure why you went through with this? Hate to be so negative, but your problems just started!

[Anonymous]

You should have moved far away and ceased contact, if you didn't want the job, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they won’t give you respite then everything is on hold. Call an emergency zoom meeting. You can’t do this without boundaries.

+1,000
You have said you don't know where to start to look for companion care. If that's the route they want you to take in order to get breaks, then THEY need to be responsible for locating services and making arrangements. If you don't assert yourself now about the need for help and sharing responsibilities this is going to be a living hell.

[Anonymous]

I think your gut is already telling you that this may be a recipe for disaster.

However you have already committed so for now > you must follow through on your word.

I agree that you should make it clear NOW to both your Mother as well as your siblings that as of right now - you can only commit for three months.

After that time frame things will have to be assessed and there will be a discussion about what to do then.
Maybe things won’t be so bad & you will enjoy sharing your home w/your Mom?
If that is the case >> then that would be the ideal outcome for everyone.

However, perhaps things may become unbearable between the two of you and you will need to consider other options.

If you continue living in a situation where you are miserable then resentment will build by the day and the situation will not end well at all.
Boundaries + open communication are fundamental here.

I wish you only the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may love it. As a single person, having something like this, that you would never choose, foisted on you could be a huge blessing.

Your mom sounds thrilled. You're at the very least doing a really good thing for a frail, elderly human being -- who happens to be your mother, and you owe here.

Good luck. I think it will be a lot better than you imagine.

Hahahaha. Zip it, Pollyanna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they won’t give you respite then everything is on hold. Call an emergency zoom meeting. You can’t do this without boundaries.

This. Who the hell do your siblings think they are?

[Anonymous]

OP, she can cry all she wants. That’s fine. It still means she’s going to have to follow the rules and expectations. You can acknowledge her feelings AND still assert yourself. “I’m sorry you’re upset. And I’m confident you’ll figure out what you need to do to be a respectful housemate as we navigate this new living situation. You’ve always wanted the best for me, and this is what I need.”

Lean into the crying. You don’t have to fix it or stop it. My guess is that there is some manipulation going on. You don’t have to back down on your expectations. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they won’t give you respite then everything is on hold. Call an emergency zoom meeting. You can’t do this without boundaries.

+1,000
You have said you don't know where to start to look for companion care. If that's the route they want you to take in order to get breaks, then THEY need to be responsible for locating services and making arrangements. If you don't assert yourself now about the need for help and sharing responsibilities this is going to be a living hell.

+1. I was the poster that suggested you give it six months, but I take it back. You and your siblings are not on the same page. This is an excellent opportunity to get there. do you have any friends that you can bounce ideas off of and have as emotional support.

I'd almost suggest getting an elder care expert involved and do a mediation. What's happening with your mother's finances? Is there an option for her to go into assisted living? She'd have a much wider social circle there I would think.

Also, be gentle with yourself - if you stand up for yourself there's going to be blaming, guilting, and bullying. Don't sacrifice every bit of yourself because everyone is treating you badly.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely insist on having access to her bank accounts because there is no way that as a single middle-aged person I would take on the financial burden in addition to physical burden of your mother being there.

OP, start doing your research on assisted living now. With your mother in her 80s, that will likely be a necessary step once you discover that you are not equip to care for her. Your sisters just want to get her not only into your home, but relocated to where you live so that when the time comes for assisted living, it will be near you.