Abusive Ex constantly blaming me for their problems

[Anonymous]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My ex & I broke up almost 5 yrs ago. We share a DS. Ex started seeing someone before I even moved out. Once I move out, about a year later, I begin to see someone. Up until that point, our relationship was borderline civil. We constantly argued, like I assume most ex's do. However, after I began to see someone, & specifically took our DS on vacation w/my new partner, it got worse. Within a week of returning, my ex assaulted me in front of our 4 yr old at the time. Obviously, I had my ex arrested, & pressed charges. Ex was found guilty. Fast forward almost 2 yrs later, my ex is constantly picking fights w/me via text & email, blaming me for all of their financial issues, and accusing me of trying to turn our DS again them, as well as blaming me for any issues my DS has, which we have him in therapy for. They have lied to mutual "so-called friends", & have successfully turned some of them against me, claiming self defense. I know this to be true, because the same lie was told in court, which the judge didn't believe, & anyone who knows me, knows this is a complete lie. My ex is also constantly threatening to change the custody arrangement, which they have been threatening to do since we split. I'm not overly concerned about it, other than them holding this over my head, knowing that my time w/my son is very important to me. My DS & I are very close, & I believe my ex is jealous.

I feel like my ex is never going to get past this, & it's not my problem. However, they are a complete pain in the ass, & clearly miserable, in my opinion. I am, on the other hand, very happy, & in a healthly relationship for almost 3 yrs. Other than continue to ignore my ex's emails & texts, how can I get my ex to back off?

[Anonymous]

The only person you can control is yourself. Do not engage with him. If there is a communication, wait 24 hours to respond. Use as few words as possible. If he asks a "yes/no" question, simply answer with one of those words.

Do you have a home phone? If not, set one up. Make that the way he can talk with child. He can call that number to talk with child. With you, he has to communicate only by email/text.

[Anonymous]

Do not engage with him. Drop off and pick up in public places. Agree with getting a landline for him to talk to your kid. Follow the outlined custody agreement- do not ask for changes. Be pleasant when he asks for changes- a simple yes/no. Only communicate about the kid- DS has a soccer game this weekend. I just got a notice home that parent/teacher conference is Tuesday at 11am in rm 303. Do not withhold information from him. You want your kid to have a healthy relationship with this man and his stepmother.

[Anonymous]

PP here- do not vent about him to mutual friends and do not listen to what he has to say about you- No gossip. If they start with he had this to say about you then just smile and shake your head and say something like it's not true let's not talk about this. If you find you don't have much to talk about with these people other than gossiping about your ex then get new friends.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, I am sorry. He sounds awful. Best thing you can do is not engage.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks everyone. The landline sounds like a good idea. I have one, but only because I needed it for the house alarm. I guess I can put it to other use now.

[Anonymous]

Make sure everything is in writing. Don't talk to him in person. Keep all the emails and texts.

Your ex was found guilty - did he go to jail?

I find it hard to believe that, absent some major change in your lives, the court would allow him to change custody. So don't let that possibility scare you and make you miserable. Just live your life and enjoy your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure everything is in writing. Don't talk to him in person. Keep all the emails and texts.

Your ex was found guilty - did he go to jail?

I find it hard to believe that, absent some major change in your lives, the court would allow him to change custody. So don't let that possibility scare you and make you miserable. Just live your life and enjoy your child.

The only jail time was the night of the arrest. After that, restraining order, and 1 yr probation

[Anonymous]

Sounds kind of like my ex.I try to talk to him as little as possible.Can't wait for our child to turn 18.

[Anonymous]

Try not too worry about the custody - he does not have much credibility at this point.

As for turning friends against you, the best you can do is be a model of good behavior (no bad-mouthing your ex to mutual friends!). People will find it extremely hard to believe what he says if they see you are taking the high road and look serene and sane. Been there, done that!

[Anonymous]

"to worry", not "too worry".

[Anonymous]

Just curious, why do you sometimes refer to your ex as "they"/"them"?

[Anonymous]

my DH's ex is psycho also. it's very tough. so sorry, OP. i agree with everyone else about disengaging. talk as little as possible. it's hard because there's so much BS you want to refute and respond to. but disengaging as much as possible is the only thing that will help you keep your sanity long term. good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, why do you sometimes refer to your ex as "they"/"them"?

So "they" don't reveal the gender, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My ex & I broke up almost 5 yrs ago. We share a DS. Ex started seeing someone before I even moved out. Once I move out, about a year later, I begin to see someone. Up until that point, our relationship was borderline civil. We constantly argued, like I assume most ex's do. However, after I began to see someone, & specifically took our DS on vacation w/my new partner, it got worse. Within a week of returning, my ex assaulted me in front of our 4 yr old at the time. Obviously, I had my ex arrested, & pressed charges. Ex was found guilty. Fast forward almost 2 yrs later, my ex is constantly picking fights w/me via text & email, blaming me for all of their financial issues, and accusing me of trying to turn our DS again them, as well as blaming me for any issues my DS has, which we have him in therapy for. They have lied to mutual "so-called friends", & have successfully turned some of them against me, claiming self defense. I know this to be true, because the same lie was told in court, which the judge didn't believe, & anyone who knows me, knows this is a complete lie. My ex is also constantly threatening to change the custody arrangement, which they have been threatening to do since we split. I'm not overly concerned about it, other than them holding this over my head, knowing that my time w/my son is very important to me. My DS & I are very close, & I believe my ex is jealous.

I feel like my ex is never going to get past this, & it's not my problem. However, they are a complete pain in the ass, & clearly miserable, in my opinion. I am, on the other hand, very happy, & in a healthly relationship for almost 3 yrs. Other than continue to ignore my ex's emails & texts, how can I get my ex to back off?

You just said you're very happy so fuck his antics.
Can't have EVERYTHING you want - we all have to suffer some headaches its part of life.
Be glad you're in a healthy relationship and pay him no mind unless he steps out of line.