Can a single mom successfully be in a relationship with someone with no kids?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing someone for a while, and we really love each other. Here's the issue. I am more of a homebody, and he is a socialite. I've met all of his friends, who are great. However, none of them have kids, and they are the type of group where it seems like everyone has a "function" ALL the time. My sweetie, while he is great with me and my DS, just has to be at every function, every time, and he wants me with him, but understands, if I can't, ie -babysitter, etc. The part that bugs me is this overwhelming sense of obligation to go to everything all the time, when at times, does not make sense, which includes group trips. They are too clich-ish for me. Am I being unreasonable? We are both WAY past our 20's, and to me, that's what the behavior feels like. At one function, the host referred to the gathering as the A-list. I almost laughed in his face. Maybe its because my priorities are different, but to me, its a little over the top, especially for the age group, 40+. Are we too different to make this work? I have discussed this with him, and I almost threw in the towel at one point, but he clearly making an effort by making more time for family time, but its gotten to the point that my tolerance level for ANY function with this group now is ZERO!

[Anonymous]

He may change if he gets more invested in your DC. For now, your child is not his responsibility, so why shouldn't he go to ever function? Give it some time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds the disconnect is between your tendency to be homebody and his desire to be out all the time.

I'm a single mom in a very solid relationship with a man who has no children of his own, but our social tendencies match up pretty well. We're both pretty introverted with small tight groups of friends and we prefer to host or do something low-key. We've yet to run into a conflict after a year. I'm the only one with a kid in either of our circles and it is rarely an issue. We're in our late 20s/early 30s too, so people are out and traveling a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds the disconnect is between your tendency to be homebody and his desire to be out all the time.

I'm a single mom in a very solid relationship with a man who has no children of his own, but our social tendencies match up pretty well. We're both pretty introverted with small tight groups of friends and we prefer to host or do something low-key. We've yet to run into a conflict after a year. I'm the only one with a kid in either of our circles and it is rarely an issue. We're in our late 20s/early 30s too, so people are out and traveling a lot.

This is me as well. I think your boyfriend sounds kind of weirdly immature, OP, and I can see how it would be hard to be the new girlfriend in that situation.

[Anonymous]

I dated someone like that ... before I had kids .. but it was an issue then.
Here's my take: I have lots of friends and love to go out but I understand ... and understood even as a single person with not kids ... that friends are not your family. There could be many reasons he is so motivated to be part of an "A list" group of friends but in my mind it could be part of a larger commitment phobia, ie build a make believe family of sorts rather than a "real" one. (Sorry I know there are all sorts of families but hopefully you get my drift.
It is worth sticking it out and seeing where this goes if you really love each other but I would also wonder why he is giving this group equal or more importance in his life than you and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess because he was single so long before us, this crew IS his family. I'll try to stick it out, but don't know how long I will play 2nd string to some over the hill party people. I just think kids or no kids, there's a time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds the disconnect is between your tendency to be homebody and his desire to be out all the time.

I'm a single mom in a very solid relationship with a man who has no children of his own, but our social tendencies match up pretty well. We're both pretty introverted with small tight groups of friends and we prefer to host or do something low-key. We've yet to run into a conflict after a year. I'm the only one with a kid in either of our circles and it is rarely an issue. We're in our late 20s/early 30s too, so people are out and traveling a lot.

This is me as well. I think your boyfriend sounds kind of weirdly immature, OP, and I can see how it would be hard to be the new girlfriend in that situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your post makes me wonder if you are dating one of my guy friends. I have a group that has a lot of functions - birthday parties, farewell parties, brunches, trips, concerts, sporting events, etc. (though if we said "A-list", we mean a core group of close friends, without some of the peripheral people that go to the larger gatherings, because it would be kind of douche-y and pretentious to say A-list otherwise.)

I'm a single mom who was part of this group long before I had my daughter, and I remain part of it because i enjoy the company of these people. I am far from my real family, so this is my chosen family, my support system. I care about them and they care about me, and I like having options for going out on weekends. I am an extrovert, so cutting my social schedule WAY back when I had my daughter was hard on me. And honestly, if you're single and not having much luck in the dating world (in my case, it's hard to find the time to "audition" random guys from OK Cupid to find a worthy one), a good social life can make up for a nonexistent dating life. At least for me, it can. Even past your 20's, an extrovert is going to want to be social. An introvert may not get that "wanting to be social" is not something an extrovert can just get over.

There are a couple of possibilties here: 1 - he has Fear of Missing Out and can't prioritize his activities. 2 - he has more fun with his friends than he does with you. If he can bring you to some events and you both have fun, then this could work. If he's willing to take time out and pick-and-choose his functions - to go to some with you, to go to some without you, to skip some, then this could work.

But if he has more fun with his friends than he does with you and you don't want to go with him, or if he is never able to prioritize some events over others, you are fighting a losing battle and should probably just give up.

I recently had a few dates with a guy and one of the clues that I don't like him enough was that I would rather go out with my friends than with him. He's just not compelling enough for me to put in the time. (not smart enough, we don't have enough in common, and I don't think I'm attracted enough to him.) With other guys I've dated, I've happily said no to parties with the crowd in favor of sitting at a quiet restaurant bar with him and talking about current events for 4 hours straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess because he was single so long before us, this crew IS his family. I'll try to stick it out, but don't know how long I will play 2nd string to some over the hill party people. I just think kids or no kids, there's a time to grow up.

There's nothing wrong with doing fun things on a regular basis. It's not like he's neglecting his other responsibilities to have fun. He doesn't HAVE other responsibilities. You made a decision to have a child. It changes the trajectory of your entire life, it shifts priorities. You don't have some "higher calling" and have no moral ground to stand on to look down on him for making having fun with friends a priority.

It sounds like to me you are an introvert and he is an extrovert, and you would like him to sit on the couch watching tv with you each night after the kid has gone to sleep.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mother in a serious relationship with a man that has no children. We are opposite as far as personalities. He loves going out and I don't. It works for us because we balance each other and compromise. Never was an issue but we always laugh about how opposite we are. I wouldn't throw in the towel if you truly like him. I wouldn't call him immature either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess because he was single so long before us, this crew IS his family. I'll try to stick it out, but don't know how long I will play 2nd string to some over the hill party people. I just think kids or no kids, there's a time to grow up.

OP, my issue wouldn't be with who this guy has chosen to be his family. My issue would be with his apparent failure/refusal to integrate the life he's establishing now with his other life. He does not have to be at every function. It doesn't matter if he's "understanding" that you can't be there. I would be miffed that he would not choose to stay with you, on his own, even if he was clearly making an effort.

I am divorced, and my ex (who is still a friend) has had this problem with 2 different women now. The last one was great, but so settled in her own life (late 30s/early 40s, with friends, family, activities, etc.) that she resented any attempt to integrate. If he had a kid thing at a time when she wanted to do an adult thing, she'd push back on it and they'd end up in a fight. I do not have these issues with my sweetie, who happily integrated as soon as I allowed him to, but watching it from afar has been really frustrating, so I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

It just sounds like you might be too different, where he's much more of a social butterfly than you. And even if you didn't have kids that would be somewhat of a conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like you might be too different, where he's much more of a social butterfly than you. And even if you didn't have kids that would be somewhat of a conflict.

Yeah, it doesn't really have to do with not having kids.
Rather than seeing him as immature, realize that he is an extrovert and that's perfectly fine - just different from you.
But he does need to make room for you in his life and compromise/prioritize.

[Anonymous]

Can a single mom successfully be in a relationship with someone with no kids?

Yes. Because at the end of the day she's got that certain something between her legs that all men want and will do damn near anything and everything for.

[Anonymous]

Single mom in her 40s here. It doesn't sound like you have compatible values. I dated someone without kids (but had wanted them), and while he'd built a full life for himself, he definitely would have had time for a family life if things had worked out between us. Perhaps we would have had less family time than someone with kids, because he probably would have maintained more devotion to his career than someone with kids usually does, but his lifestyle was certainly compatible to getting married and having a family life. To wit: He wasn't always with friends, he wasn't going out partying, he kept family-compatible sleep/work hours, etc.