How long do I extend that olive branch?
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Anonymous
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My parents did something horrible to me (again), I was angry at them, and they subsequently got angry at me, you know, for being upset at them.
I am expecting my third child any day now, and I feel stupid having this stupid fight over my head. I sent them an email saying that we have our differences, but let's start fresh with #3. No I don't want them in our lives, but I wouldn't mind the type of relationship where I feel okay emailing them photos of the newborn without feeling weird. Plus, I am not angry at them anymore. I of course wish I had parents that weren't crazy, but it is what it is. I do not need them in my life (emotionally, financially, etc), and at this point I am used to being without them in my life. But I also don't want my parents moaning to everyone about how I'm some sort of jerk because I am mad at them, when I am not mad at them. I just expect this kind of bad behavior, and feel sorry for them. It can't be fun being batshit crazy/permanently feeling aggrieved, right? What do I do if they never respond to my email? Should I send them the newborn shots anyway? Or just continue giving them the cold shoulder? Anyone ever go through this? |
Anonymous
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Be pleasant and cordial. Stop being motivated by guilt and weirdness. Stop paying attention to what unknown strangers may think about you. You sound like you don't have a strong sense of self.
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Anonymous
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OP here. I don't care what others think of me, but I don't like that my parents are walking around feeling permanently aggrieved. As dumb as it sounds (keep in mind I'm 40 weeks pregnant), I want to clear the tension in the air. I don't care if they don't feel the same way, but I felt good telling them that I'm not angry at them.
It felt good writing it, kind of like letting them know that I don't really give a crap about the dumb fight they obsess over all the time. My question is what I should do/say in the future, specifically letting them know #3 has arrived, what #1 and #2 think, etc. I usually get professional photos taken, and I think they'd like one. But I don't know if they will think this is encouragement for a relationship I don't want (and probably they don't want either). PP @ 16:00- I am not fully understanding your advice at all. Stop being motivated by weirdness? Maybe it's my lack of a strong sense of self talking. 
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Anonymous
| Email/mail them the photo and announcement, and see how they react. |
Anonymous
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I'm sure you don't want to go into detail but maybe it would help if we knew the severity of what they did to you/their level of crazy? Are they involved grandparents to your other two? How much daily/weekly/monthly communication do you have with them?
The thing is, you know they're crazy and combative so you have to figure out how to just ignore it if you want any sort of relationship. If you send them the pictures and they don't respond, then oh well. That's on them. You can't control them. |
Anonymous
| I have a terrible relationship with my parents that gets worse with each kid. I saw a therapist and realized that their values are different than mine, and they felt slighted no matter what I did. Do what feels right to you-send the pics, then if they want too much after that, say no. It's really hard to clear the tension when the other side doesn't want to do that. Do they know you're pregnant? |
Anonymous
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@ 16:20
They've run the gamut. Basically, they have consistently shown that they do not care about anyone other than themselves, and have done awful things to me. When I realized they would do the same to my kids, they got cut off cold. They are a BAD level of crazy. @16:22 They do know I am pregnant, but refused to take my phone call when I told them. They were mad at me that time because I sent a Christmas Card to their sister who they hate. Keep in mind I told them sometime in August, so you can see how hard they look to find some way to be angry. The last time I saw them at a wedding, they threw a fit because I wouldn't go eat sushi with them. Apparently they have never heard of a prohibition against sushi. Whatever. Also @16:22, I think that I will never clear the tension entirely. But it's good to know that I find them ridiculous. I am not angry at them now, but I recognize that they are not someone I want in my life, or my children's lives. I kind of want them to know that they have no power over me in any way, no matter what they do. Not sure if this is making sense. |
Anonymous
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OP again, @16:20- I basically speak to them on their birthdays, major holidays, and that's it.
Our last fight was in late September because they called me out of nowhere to pick a fight over how I'm raising my children. They accused me of being a bad mother (I feel bad saying this, but I asked them how they could possibly know as they don't know my kids at all.). I haven't spoken to them since, but they did send presents for the kids at Christmas. In my email I thanked them for these presents. I think in some small way that might have been their own version of extending the olive branch. |
Anonymous
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Except that they do have some kind of power over you, or else you wouldn't be worrying about this. If they are a bad level of crazy such that you don't want them around your kids, then why extend an olive branch? You can't control what they do or how they think; only what you do and how you think. They are going to paint you as the bad guy to their friends, no matter what you do.
Just send them an announcement when your child is born. Then let it go. |
Anonymous
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OP again.
PP I disagree. I think you're stuck on the part where they tell everyone I'm a jerk. That's not a concern for me. They have almost no friends, so the people they are telling are mostly cats or dogs. |
Anonymous
Not the PP you're responding to but I don't think you understand what she means when she said they have power over you. Reading back through your posts, you're clearly upset/angry/annoyed/bothered....whatever. If you're parents had no power over you, you would no be having these negative emotions. How long would you care if a clerk at the store told you you were a bad mother? It would piss you off for a moment but you wouldn't carry those feelings around very long. Your parents have some sort of hold/power over you because they can evoke such emotions and cause you to carry it around. Now, I get that you're about to delivery and hormones are wacky. I, myself, found it very hard to let go over certain things when I was pregnant - things that were just so ridiculous and I knew at the time it was ridiculous! I just couldn't help myself. Maybe you should post back 6 months post partum..... 
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Anonymous
| See how you feel after the baby is born. If you want to send pics, send them. If you don't want to, then don't, and don't waste one second feeling bad about it. |
Anonymous
| OP, obviously. This estrangement bothers you a great deal and yoh do care what people think. |
Anonymous
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You said "extend the olive branch". Is that what you really want? I know you are pregnant and seem stressed but can you let it go till the baby comes? I know it is hard. They are your parents for better or worse.
Can your husband communicate to them for you? |
Anonymous
OP I know it is hard (at first) but more and more distance from toxic parents does bring peace. You don't even know what peace is until you remove a toxic person from your life. Try it. |