Emotionally manipulative mother

[Anonymous]

I just had an experience with my mother that really made me feel like s%%t.

She had come over to help me, to watch the kids while I do some work. The kids were behaving terribly and I was dealing with it. During this, she had a terrible look on her face and when it was all over, she said "I think I'll go now." in a really cole, emotionless voice. When I asked her why, that she had just arrived and that I thought she had come over to help me, she said she hadn't come for this and that she was "done." This brought back this horrible feeling of when I was a child and anytime I misbehaved she would just cut me off emotionally. I asked her why she was reproaching me, I hadn't done anything and she snapped "What do you want from me?" She left, saying, "I can't deal with this. Sorry, but I can't" in that same cold, angry voice.

I don't know why but it really hit me hard. It just brought back all those feelings of being shut out from her as a child and it made me angry. I walk on eggshells a lot around her to not offend her or hurt her feelings. I know she has no tolerance for any kind of misbehavior in children and judges a lot of my parenting -- she's of the no TV, no Barbie school of parenting. I raise my children a lot differently than I was raised.

When she walked out, I had this fleeting thought of "I am done with you." But OTOH, she is old and the only mom I have. Ido love her.

No real questions, just feeling kind of crappy.

[Anonymous]

Do yourself a favor and google children are narcissistic moms or narcissists. Get healing

[Anonymous]

Should have said in a super cheery voice, "Okay, come back when you feel better! We'll be right here waiting for you in the sunshine!"

[Anonymous]

20:04 -- I will. Do you know of any books or websites?

20:06 -- I wish I had the poise in the moment.

[Anonymous]

You seem to have a lot of complaints for someone who expected her mother to come out and help her with childcare. If and when I am a grandmother I really hope not to have to do day to day managing of children and bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry and this is more common than you would think. In fact, emotionally toxic relationships like this are the most common cause of estrangement between parents and adult children.

You need to join a support group. I'm positive there is one in DC, and it will give you a new perspective on your relationship with your mom, besides providing you with the emotional support you need.

[Anonymous]

This thread may help OP.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/300843.page#3468260

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to have a lot of complaints for someone who expected her mother to come out and help her with childcare. If and when I am a grandmother I really hope not to have to do day to day managing of children and bad behavior.

And the Most Crap Mom Award in this thread goes to...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had an experience with my mother that really made me feel like s%%t.

She had come over to help me, to watch the kids while I do some work. The kids were behaving terribly and I was dealing with it. During this, she had a terrible look on her face and when it was all over, she said "I think I'll go now." in a really cole, emotionless voice. When I asked her why, that she had just arrived and that I thought she had come over to help me, she said she hadn't come for this and that she was "done." This brought back this horrible feeling of when I was a child and anytime I misbehaved she would just cut me off emotionally. I asked her why she was reproaching me, I hadn't done anything and she snapped "What do you want from me?" She left, saying, "I can't deal with this. Sorry, but I can't" in that same cold, angry voice.

I don't know why but it really hit me hard. It just brought back all those feelings of being shut out from her as a child and it made me angry. I walk on eggshells a lot around her to not offend her or hurt her feelings. I know she has no tolerance for any kind of misbehavior in children and judges a lot of my parenting -- she's of the no TV, no Barbie school of parenting. I raise my children a lot differently than I was raised.

When she walked out, I had this fleeting thought of "I am done with you." But OTOH, she is old and the only mom I have. Ido love her.

No real questions, just feeling kind of crappy.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. VERY had. You are right in feeling you are being emotionally manipulated. Get Dr. Laura's book "Shark Attack On Land" - it's SO emotionally freeing! You will immediately feel at home with this book and she has some great strategies for taking control. I have heinous in-laws (not my MIL weirdly, loved her) and after reading this, felt so much better and haven't looked back. Very empowering.

Recognize her behavior is designed to make you feel bad, but in reality, it's her loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to have a lot of complaints for someone who expected her mother to come out and help her with childcare. If and when I am a grandmother I really hope not to have to do day to day managing of children and bad behavior.

Not the OP, but the difference is, my mother expected kids to act up because, well, they are kids, and helped me see the humor in the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

The name of this website says it all

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



You seem to have a lot of complaints for someone who expected her mother to come out and help her with childcare. If and when I am a grandmother I really hope not to have to do day to day managing of children and bad behavior.

+1. Where is the website for mothers of narcissistic daughters?

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid my mother is about to pull the same crap on me. She came up to spend the last couple weeks of summer with her granddaughter and help us out with childcare. My daughter decided to throw a snitfit tonight and say nasty things, and grandma went to sulk.

You know what? She's a kid. She says stupid shit. Grandma is a grown ass woman who should know not to let a kid's snitfit get her so upset and "hurt."

She actually left a few years ago a day early when she and my daughter had a disagreement. I will be pretty perturbed if she does it this time, knowing I am counting on her for one more day.

Next year, I know that more than a week at a time is too damn much for the two of them to handle. I could have lined up a camp or something this week, but NOOOO.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses.

As for the weird 20:13 and 21:10 posters, I don't expect my mom to do anything. She offers to help and likes to think of herself as a very involved grandmother. I know that when she comes over to help, I will get about 20 or 30 minutes alone to shoot off a work email or something b/c like the PP said, she can't really handle kids for much longer. The rest of the time I make her tea and talk to her. She lives alone and gets very lonely if she does not come over.

I wil look for the Shark Attack book, thank you!

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Your kids were behaving terribly (as you admit) and your mom couldn't handle it so she left and seemed annoyed. I don't see the big deal. I'd be a little put off too if I showed up at someone's house to try to help them by watching their kids and their kids were not behaving.