How to deal with "I want to see Daddy"

[Anonymous]

7:22 I wrote "could." Yes some children (I'd be more concerned about the older one) might wonder if my dad is too sick to see me, how sick is he and might he die. This would be especially true if he knows anyone who's lost a parent, like a classmate, or has lost a family member due to illness. This line of anxious thinking is not uncommon.

The solution here is for OP to find a way for her children's father to see them more often, so she won't have to explain why he's not around. Based on her post, that seems doable, which is a very good thing. I hope it happens, OP.

21:44 Great post but how old were your children when this happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:22 I wrote "could." Yes some children (I'd be more concerned about the older one) might wonder if my dad is too sick to see me, how sick is he and might he die. This would be especially true if he knows anyone who's lost a parent, like a classmate, or has lost a family member due to illness. This line of anxious thinking is not uncommon.

The solution here is for OP to find a way for her children's father to see them more often, so she won't have to explain why he's not around. Based on her post, that seems doable, which is a very good thing. I hope it happens, OP.

21:44 Great post but how old were your children when this happened?

My oldest was about the same age as OP's kids. My youngest was still in diapers and has no memory of ever living with Dad. It has been 5-10 years since we split up. In this time, we have often talked about Daddy "not feeling well." I don't like to use the word "sick," because I think it is often used in a very different, stigmatic meaning -- more than just "ill." We often talk about his symptoms -- he's feeling anxious, he doesn't like big crowds, he's in a silly mood, etc. -- and how to cope or alter our routine. He sometimes mentions leaving a visit early so he can get to the pharmacy to pick up medicine, so they know he takes some kind of regular medicine. We haven't had to have an explicit conversation about him being "mentally ill" although that day is coming soon for our oldest, as well as a discussion about the family history of mental illness. In the meanwhile, I have used many every day situation and news reports to discuss and normalize mental illness, so that when we do have to explicitly name his illness, my children will already have a non-stigmatic conceptualization in their heads. They need to know the family history because many mental illnesses don't appear until the 20's or 30's, long after they leave the family home. They also need to know how important it is that they take care of themselves (proper sleep, no substance use, no self-isolation, and good stress management) so they can avoid the environmental triggers that often help mental illness emerge.

I have to admit we are able to proceed by talking about "not feeling well" and not more detailed discussions, because after I kicked out my ex, he began to take his illness more seriously. On his own, he sees the doctor and takes medicine. I don't really think he is doing these things to the degree necessary, but he also hasn't quit totally. And, because we live apart, he can usually hold it together for the couple of hours he is with us. The crazy stuff that we would see if we were living together, we don't see anymore. He is a relatively high functioning person with mental illness. But, if he had been lower functioning, I would have no doubt that the best path would be to be honest and explain the illness to my children with the level of detail they could absorb. And, I have no doubt that in the future he will likely have a bump in the road where he deteriorates, and if I haven't explicitly named the illness by then, I will have no hesitation.

OP, it's a long road. It' a chronic lifelong illness, and you have kids with him, which is a lifelong tie. It is more helpful to your ex if you are supportive and positive without being enabling. Chastising, being critical, telling him he can have more (of whatever) when he "gets his life back in order" is not really helpful (BTDT). That said, we obviously have to do what is necessary to preserve some kind of normal, healthy, safe environment for ourselves and our kids. Take what he is capable of giving, provide structure and support where he needs it to get (and give) a little more, and look for other people in your lives to substitute for the aspects of fatherhood he is not able to provide due to illness.

In addition to NAMI Family to Family, please read Xavier Amador's wonderful book, "I'm not Sick, I don't need help." I found it had some really useful advice about how to talk constructively with a mentally ill family member. What you say and what they hear are not always the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Mom of two kids with bipolar ex-partner here. I definitely think you are better off explaining that Daddy is not feeling well right now, but when he feels better he will be around. Meanwhile your child can make a card, or call (if ex is up to it). If you can, try to build other "family" structures, whether it is increasing time with grandpa, uncles, etc.

In your thread it's still not clear to me why your ex isn't seeing the kids regularly? Have you talked to him in a non-judgemental way about it? Sometimes our expectations of the mentally ill spouse aren't realistic and rather than disappoint they just disappear, believing that's less painful for everyone (themselves included).

In the beginning of our split, my bipolar ex often changed visitation dates or didn't come over. My initial expectation was that we would do 50/50 split except that kids would sleep full-time at my house. He would come in the door and I would walk out and not come back until visitation was over. This was too much for my ex to handle. Even simple things (to me) like getting them fed or bathed were overwhelming for him. Eventually we fell into a pattern where he comes over for dinner or we go out together on the weekends to do things. This is much better. When ex isn't feeling well, all he has to do is come over and sit on the sofa and watch tv with the kids. When he is feeling better, he has the flexibility to do more. I basically judge on an ad hoc basis whether he needs support during the visit or it's safe for me to let him go out, how long and where, with the kids. But, of course, my judgement is never put in terms of "I don't think you're mentally well, I must accompany you today....."

Because the visits don't necessarily require that he is operating on all 4 cylinders, he is much more likely to come over regularly.

You say you don't have a lot of sympathy for him, because he stopped taking meds. I understand where you're coming from --- I kicked out my ex when I found out for the umpteenth time he stopped taking his meds (and stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started drinking again). Do you realize that this is a very common phenomenon in mental illness? It is really a part of the illness, particularly for those with bipolar and schizophrenia and depression. The meds make them feel better and then they think they feel good enough to stop. Or, particularly with bipolar, the meds take away the great manic feeling and they feel bad, so they stop. Also, some of the best meds that work also have really powerful yucky side effects, so it's not so irrational that the mentally ill person would choose to stop taking a med. It's hard for many non-mentally ill patients to take meds every day for the rest of their life. Try to have some sympathy. There's a difference between sympathy and approval, though.

Have you taken the NAMI Family to Family course? It's essential. Please sign up now. There are also support groups for family members of the mentally ill. Do you have a therapist for yourself? I found it helpful to have a therapist to help me strategize about how best to include/approach my mentally ill ex as well as to discuss how MY life was going. But to be helpful, it really has to be a therapist who is highly experienced with mental illness.

This sounds like really great advice. Your ex and kids are really lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

OP, read the sandcastles book on divorce.

Also, I would be careful about saying "daddy is sick" - don't freak them out too much. i.e. fear he's going todie or something.

I think I would say, "I know you miss daddy. He misses you too. I'm sure he will visit just as soon as he can. He's not feeling good right now. But as soon as he feels better I really want him to visit us. Let's send him a letter/draw him a picture/send him an email with a video and some pictures of you attached".

Although I am not very fond of my ex I always speak of him enthusiastically and almost as if I miss him/am looking forward to seeing him too. I decided to act like he's a member of my family - like a cousin or something. I'm not romantically interested and I wouldn't leave him alone in a room with my purse, but he's a blood relative and hey, we all have to tolerate some baggage with our relatives, right?

Very sorry for the situation you and your kids are in.

[Anonymous]

Is there someone in the dad's family who can help him reach out/accept contact from the kids? Someone who can prod him in the right direction that you can work with?