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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP.  Mom of two kids with bipolar ex-partner here.  I definitely think you are better off explaining that Daddy is not feeling well right now, but when he feels better he will be around.  Meanwhile your child can make a card, or call (if ex is up to it).  If you can, try to build other "family" structures, whether it is increasing time with grandpa, uncles, etc.

In your thread it's still not clear to me why your ex isn't seeing the kids regularly?  Have you talked to him in a non-judgemental way about it?  Sometimes our expectations of the mentally ill spouse aren't realistic and rather than disappoint they just disappear, believing that's less painful for everyone (themselves included).

In the beginning of our split, my bipolar ex often changed visitation dates or didn't come over.  My initial expectation was that we would do 50/50 split except that kids would sleep full-time at my house.  He would come in the door and I would walk out and not come back until visitation was over.  This was too much for my ex to handle.  Even simple things (to me) like getting them fed or bathed were overwhelming for him.    Eventually we fell into a pattern where he comes over for dinner or we go out together on the weekends to do things.  This is much better.  When ex isn't feeling well, all he has to do is come over and sit on the sofa and watch tv with the kids.  When he is feeling better, he has the flexibility to do more.  I basically judge on an ad hoc basis whether he needs support during the visit or it's safe for me to let him go out, how long and where, with the kids.  But, of course, my judgement is never put in terms of "I don't think you're mentally well, I must accompany you today....."

Because the visits don't necessarily require that he is operating on all 4 cylinders, he is much more likely to come over regularly.

You say you don't have a lot of sympathy for him, because he stopped taking meds.  I understand where you're coming from --- I kicked out my ex when I found out for the umpteenth time he stopped taking his meds (and stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started drinking again).  Do you realize that this is a very common phenomenon in mental illness?  It is really a part of the illness, particularly for those with bipolar and schizophrenia and depression.  The meds make them feel better and then they think they feel good enough to stop.  Or, particularly with bipolar, the meds take away the great manic feeling and they feel bad, so they stop.  Also, some of the best meds that work also have really powerful yucky side effects, so it's not so irrational that the mentally ill person would choose to stop taking a med.  It's hard for many non-mentally ill patients to take meds every day for the rest of their life.  Try to have some sympathy.  There's a difference between sympathy and approval, though.

Have you taken the NAMI Family to Family course?  It's essential.  Please sign up now.  There are also support groups for family members of the mentally ill.  Do you have a therapist for yourself?  I found it helpful to have a therapist to help me strategize about how best to include/approach my mentally ill ex as well as to discuss how MY life was going.  But to be helpful, it really has to be a therapist who is highly experienced with mental illness.

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This sounds like really great advice. Your ex and kids are really lucky to have you.[/quote]

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