Other people's kids in my house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make your kids responsible for their friends' behavior. My kids' friends are (mostly) not destructive but they did leave snack bags and drinks all over the basement when they were over a few months ago. I honestly don't really care about the 3 minutes it took to clean it up but I do care about attracting bugs and mice into the basement. So I told my kids that they were no longer allowed to have snacks in the basement (with or without friends there) if it happened again. My kids spend a lot of time down there so having to come to kitchen each time they wanted a drink was going to get old quick. And now they clean up every single time--haven't had the issue again.

NO, OP is the adult and is responsible.

My job as a parent is to raise adults, not permanent children.

[Anonymous]

We are gradually growing into being a fun house, and I wonder a couple of things.

Pro: Enforcing basic house rules about shoes and snacks always seems appropriate to me. I'm happy to keep the snacks stocked, because they don't consume enough to be expensive anyway. If kids start stuffing themselves in ways I know their parents wouldn't like, I stop them and say "You can have this, but you have to take it home with you and eat it there when your parents say it is ok."

Con: Where I'm trying to find my boundaries are with the conflicts. Arguments and raised voices about who said or did what to whom over this or that. Wrong combination of kids ending up in the house at the same time and just squabbling or making one another unhappy, or excluding others.

I do think adults should provide some guidance, but it's a delicate balance - hovering is counterproductive when we want them to learn to solve their own problems, and yet they don't always have the tools.

My instinct is usually to stay away as long as possible until it is clear to me that they are not in fact working things out, and then to step in with a quick ruling that it is time to start X game / go outside for a while / remember to be kind. I don't like to ask about everyone's feelings: it's not my place at that time. Rather, I try to get them back onto _acting_ productively, and then quietly text a parent later if I sense that one kid has really been upset by the others.

Make me better at this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are gradually growing into being a fun house, and I wonder a couple of things.

Pro: Enforcing basic house rules about shoes and snacks always seems appropriate to me. I'm happy to keep the snacks stocked, because they don't consume enough to be expensive anyway. If kids start stuffing themselves in ways I know their parents wouldn't like, I stop them and say "You can have this, but you have to take it home with you and eat it there when your parents say it is ok."

Con: Where I'm trying to find my boundaries are with the conflicts. Arguments and raised voices about who said or did what to whom over this or that. Wrong combination of kids ending up in the house at the same time and just squabbling or making one another unhappy, or excluding others.

I do think adults should provide some guidance, but it's a delicate balance - hovering is counterproductive when we want them to learn to solve their own problems, and yet they don't always have the tools.

My instinct is usually to stay away as long as possible until it is clear to me that they are not in fact working things out, and then to step in with a quick ruling that it is time to start X game / go outside for a while / remember to be kind. I don't like to ask about everyone's feelings: it's not my place at that time. Rather, I try to get them back onto _acting_ productively, and then quietly text a parent later if I sense that one kid has really been upset by the others.

Make me better at this!

Wait until your kids are older. My teen sons and their friends can eat $100 worth of food in one afternoon.

[Anonymous]

They're kids. You have to set the rules up front. What is your short list of rules?

If they're under 10, you check in on them on the half hour. How's it going? Everything good?

If they cannot seem to grasp the rules, then they don't come over again. Your kid can meet them at the playground.

[Anonymous]

"Would X like to come over this weekend?"
"He has a lacrosse match tonight and then we're heading to the lake house for the weekend. Another time!"
"Would Y like to come over this weekend?"
"He's already on his way over there and he's bringing his brothers. Do you mind if they stay for dinner? I'm a hot mess today so keep them as long as you want"

[Anonymous]

Are there people who still allow shoes in their house? All of my kid’s friends immediately take them off when coming inside because that’s what they do in their own homes.

[Anonymous]

I've toned down my fun house. It was never anything crazy = decent snacks, crafts and toys. I think the big thing was I was/am very attentive to the kids when they were over and they liked the attention. I had to be attentive because we live in a small apartment.

One mom thought she could just drop off her child like one would a babysitter. So I ghosted her. Also because she would invite other kids to her house and would not invite mine.

Another child was causing drama and also being mean to my child (at school) so she got cut.

I now have just one or two that are good when they come over. The kids sometimes make a mess but all of them are willing to clean. They are a good friend to my child and keep her occupied and have advanced her social skills (my goal). Because we live in a small space we meet most people out in the community.

[Anonymous]

My kids had one neighborhood friend that I banned from the house when he was 8 because he was rambunctious and broke so many things. He could only play in the backyard when he came over. His parents knew and understood. When he was about 12, I allowed him back in and he's been careful and respectful ever since

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Would X like to come over this weekend?"
"He has a lacrosse match tonight and then we're heading to the lake house for the weekend. Another time!"
"Would Y like to come over this weekend?"
"He's already on his way over there and he's bringing his brothers. Do you mind if they stay for dinner? I'm a hot mess today so keep them as long as you want"

“I can’t handle all of them today. I’m sending/walking back with the brothers and I’ll send Mike over before dinner.” BTDT. Then I’ve distanced myself from that user family.