Middle Schooler obsessed with appearance and quite thin

[Anonymous]

My DD spends at least an hour every morning getting dressed for school. She's quite thin, and doesn't eat a lot. She tries on different outfits, gets very upset if a particular article of clothing is not clean, spends a lot of time getting her hair and accessories absolutely perfect.

She does ballet, where most of the other girls are very thin. I am normal weight, but we focus a lot on healthy eating at home. She likes to eat junk food, which she eats when she's not at home.

She's 14, and this year her grades have dropped quite a bit. I've been helping her with her homework, which has helped her grades, and helping her study for tests. I'm starting to wonder if she has some form of ADD -- inattentive? She rushes through everything, is very sloppy (except with her appearance), and does not focus very well on anything. Everything she does -- school, tennis, violin, theater, ballet -- she does with minimal effort, so while she has some skills, she's not really accomplished at anything.

She's very smart and before Middle School, always did well in school with very little effort.

She's very social, has lot of friends, is in private school.

Anyone have any ideas? Food problems? ADHD inattentive? Normal adolescence?

[Anonymous]

Might be depression too. Depression can impact appetite. Often in teens depression presents a little differently as they may stay social with peers and keep up appearances as part of low self-worth.

Has she always been this way? If so ADD might be a possibility or it could just be her personality. Not all kids are over achievers and highly motivated to excel.

She may also be getting to the age where she doesn't want to do all those activities but doesn't want to let you down so she is telling you through her actions. She is focusing her energy on the aspects of life that are important to her right now (socializing and appearances).

Could be anxiety too..the obsessive nature of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm exhausted just reading that list of activities.

[Anonymous]

Eating disorder

[Anonymous]

School, tennis, theater, ballet, AND violin? Why does she need to have so many activities before high school? I couldn't do that much, and I ended up at a top tier college. Maybe so many activities keep her from building focus and interest in one thing.

[Anonymous]

She's always been a poor eater. We took her to a psychologist when she was in 4th grade and was eating only specific things. The psychologist thought she needed more attention, which we gave her, and the problem receded but never disappeared.

She never obsessed about her clothes/hair before 6th grade when she went to a new school where appearance is very important to all the girls. I've told her over and over that appearance/clothes is not important aside from looking presentable and feeling comfortable, but she pays no attention. She says that she feels badly all day if she feels like she looks crummy. She never looks crummy. She spends more time getting dressed than she does on her homework, some days.

Anxiety? What would be the cause, and how would that manifest itself?

She is afraid of getting teased or appearing stupid. It is so extremely important to her. She criticizes others' appearance a lot. I make a point of never doing that, so she must be picking this up at school.

[Anonymous]

This is not normal teenage behavior. At the very least she sounds way too anxious. The perfectionism, the fixation on getting everything perfect -- thats anxiety talking. And she may have an eating disorder as well, she's certainly at risk. if the attention issues are recent, its not ADHD. Mood disorders -- anxiety and depression -- can affect attention as well. And remember whatever you are seeing is just the surface. You don't know if and how much she is suffering internally.

Get her to a child psychiatrist for an evaluation. if your asking here, you should be asking a professional. You've certainly listed enough that is worrisome.

And if you are loading her up with activities and focusing too much on grades, that is exactly the kind of dynamic that can contribtue to eating disorders.

[Anonymous]

22:25 again -- we posted at the same time.

You can't ask strangers on the internet what the cause of her anxiety is -- you need professional help for that. Since her eating has already been pegged by a professional as having an emotional trigger, you should take it very seriously.

She is afraid of getting teased, she feels badly all day . . . what else do you need to see that she needs help?

[Anonymous]

The only required activity is violin, which she can quit when she's 16. I'm thinking of asking her to quit ballet, but she likes it best of all her activities. I'm wondering if ballet's bad for her body image, though, with the emphasis on thin-ness, instead of athletic-ness. She's quite good at tennis, though, so it would make more sense for her to stick with that. She loves theater, so does that as well. Most of her MS friends do at least this many activities and more.

[Anonymous]

OP. I never considered anxiety. She doesn't seem anxious at all. She's very happy go lucky. It's this focusing on her appearance that does have me worried though, and her eating, which is problematic. I've talked with her about eating disorders, and they do a whole program on them at her school.

But dragging her off to a psychiatrist seems excessive! The psychologist we took her to said she was fine, just needed some more attention from her parents. We have two SN kids, and she was feeling left out. I don't want to make too big a deal out of this, thus exacerbating what could just be a normal adolescent girl phase.

She doesn't feel badly all day, just when she's wearing something she doesn't feel good in, she says. But she always looks just fine to me, so I don't know when, if ever, that happens.

I remember caring a lot about my appearance when I was in Middle School. I used to keep lists of what I wore, so i would never wear the same outfit twice in one week, which was a complete no-no at my school. But I never spent hours getting dressed, nor did I read books about makeup, which DD does. It seems excessive to me, which is why I posted.

But adolescent girls go through a lot of drama. Her friends are always embroiled in something or other involving who said what to whom when, etc. They are always changing allegiances/friendships, which can get exhausting to listen to. I never know who is a friend this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only required activity is violin, which she can quit when she's 16. I'm thinking of asking her to quit ballet, but she likes it best of all her activities. I'm wondering if ballet's bad for her body image, though, with the emphasis on thin-ness, instead of athletic-ness. She's quite good at tennis, though, so it would make more sense for her to stick with that. She loves theater, so does that as well. Most of her MS friends do at least this many activities and more.

Ok, so you don't like how her friends act, talk, or focus on their appearance, but because they do so many activities that makes over-extending your kid ok? I don't want to judge you, I know nothing about this situation really, but that just sounds like too much. One of your concerns appears to be quality of schoolwork. Like I said, if I were in that many activities as a young person, I wouldn't have done well in school either. Heck, in high school all I did was volleyball in the fall and tennis in the spring and the 3 day a week volleyball practice + games hurt my grades! And obviously, she's very in with her friends and since they focus on their appearance, she does too. I dunno.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I never considered anxiety. She doesn't seem anxious at all. She's very happy go lucky. It's this focusing on her appearance that does have me worried though, and her eating, which is problematic. I've talked with her about eating disorders, and they do a whole program on them at her school.

But dragging her off to a psychiatrist seems excessive! The psychologist we took her to said she was fine, just needed some more attention from her parents. We have two SN kids, and she was feeling left out. I don't want to make too big a deal out of this, thus exacerbating what could just be a normal adolescent girl phase.

She doesn't feel badly all day, just when she's wearing something she doesn't feel good in, she says. But she always looks just fine to me, so I don't know when, if ever, that happens.

I remember caring a lot about my appearance when I was in Middle School. I used to keep lists of what I wore, so i would never wear the same outfit twice in one week, which was a complete no-no at my school. But I never spent hours getting dressed, nor did I read books about makeup, which DD does. It seems excessive to me, which is why I posted.

But adolescent girls go through a lot of drama. Her friends are always embroiled in something or other involving who said what to whom when, etc. They are always changing allegiances/friendships, which can get exhausting to listen to. I never know who is a friend this week.

She is not happy go lucky from what you describe. She is excessively worried about her appearance. That is not happy go lucky, that is anxiety.

She isn't fine and taking her to see a psychiatrist is not excessive. if you wait until she develops a full-blown eating disorder, or engages in self-harm, or self-medicates, it will be a bigger problem to treat. You are really erecting a lot of denial. This "the psychologist said she was fine, but . . ." Its the "but" that you seem to be negating. The psychologist said there was an emotional component to her disordered eating. You obviously came to the same conclusion. yet, for some reason now that it has come back and you see additional worrisome behaviors, you think every thing is fine "but."

I have no idea what is at the root of your DD's issues, but it sure sounds like she is suffering. You really need to get over your minimizing of the situation and take her to a professional. I have seen how these thigns get worse with close family members. All regrets have to do with waiting, not with finally getting help.

[Anonymous]

And by the way, focusing on grades and pushing things like violin may not cause eating disorders but they sure contribute. And, yes, the culture of dance does as well. Your daughter is fixating on appearance because it seems less stressful than all the other things being exerted on her. And she can get s sense of control because it is the one realm that is hers alone. This is exactly the dynamic underlying eating disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I never considered anxiety. She doesn't seem anxious at all. She's very happy go lucky. It's this focusing on her appearance that does have me worried though, and her eating, which is problematic. I've talked with her about eating disorders, and they do a whole program on them at her school.

But dragging her off to a psychiatrist seems excessive! The psychologist we took her to said she was fine, just needed some more attention from her parents. We have two SN kids, and she was feeling left out. I don't want to make too big a deal out of this, thus exacerbating what could just be a normal adolescent girl phase.

She doesn't feel badly all day, just when she's wearing something she doesn't feel good in, she says. But she always looks just fine to me, so I don't know when, if ever, that happens.

I remember caring a lot about my appearance when I was in Middle School. I used to keep lists of what I wore, so i would never wear the same outfit twice in one week, which was a complete no-no at my school. But I never spent hours getting dressed, nor did I read books about makeup, which DD does. It seems excessive to me, which is why I posted.

But adolescent girls go through a lot of drama. Her friends are always embroiled in something or other involving who said what to whom when, etc. They are always changing allegiances/friendships, which can get exhausting to listen to. I never know who is a friend this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I never considered anxiety. She doesn't seem anxious at all. She's very happy go lucky. It's this focusing on her appearance that does have me worried though, and her eating, which is problematic. I've talked with her about eating disorders, and they do a whole program on them at her school.

But dragging her off to a psychiatrist seems excessive! The psychologist we took her to said she was fine, just needed some more attention from her parents. We have two SN kids, and she was feeling left out. I don't want to make too big a deal out of this, thus exacerbating what could just be a normal adolescent girl phase.

She doesn't feel badly all day, just when she's wearing something she doesn't feel good in, she says. But she always looks just fine to me, so I don't know when, if ever, that happens.

I remember caring a lot about my appearance when I was in Middle School. I used to keep lists of what I wore, so i would never wear the same outfit twice in one week, which was a complete no-no at my school. But I never spent hours getting dressed, nor did I read books about makeup, which DD does. It seems excessive to me, which is why I posted.

But adolescent girls go through a lot of drama. Her friends are always embroiled in something or other involving who said what to whom when, etc. They are always changing allegiances/friendships, which can get exhausting to listen to. I never know who is a friend this week.

She's exhibiting worrisome symptoms, so take her to the psychiatrist. It's no different than if she showed a few red flags for diabetes, scoliosis, or any other medical problem. You're taking her to a doctor to get checked out.