Stepson Vent (and should I do anything?)

[Anonymous]

I just need to complain. Advice is welcome. I have a 25 yo stepson. Not a bad kid. But he's a kid. I get that. How freakin hard would it be for him to call his father or send a card for Christmas or DH's birthday? We always do stuff for him! I try really hard to rise above his lack of consideration. But really, it hurts. It is one thing that I feel bad - I'm just the stepmom. But it has been 5 days and DH has been sad ever since Christmas. No call, no card, no gifts. DH spoke to DS yesterday and he confirmed he received the gifts (and said one of them was the coolest thing ever). It does not appear to be personal. Just lack of consideration.

In the past I've tried hinting (hey, I know your dad would really love to get a card from you for Fathers Day - or let me know if you need gift ideas for your dad for Christmas) to no avail.

We're FB friends and I have seriously considered posting some passive agressive status like "Friends, please call your parents on Christmas" or "My wish for my future child is that he always at least calls his parents for Christmas" but have managed to resist those urges.

I'll continue to take the high road. I will shop for presents, send them on time, and put on a happy face. I am just hoping that DH snaps out of his funk pretty soon.

[Anonymous]

Well. I can tell you what my mom did with my cousin. My parents pay for my cousin's college tuition and graduate school and a lot of other living expenses. My cousin doesn't call, email, send cards, presents, etc. anything to her mother (my aunt -- my mother's sister). My mom took my cousin aside and told her flat out, you will send your mother a card for every major holiday and she listed the holidays, you will send her a present for mother's day, Christmas, and her bday, you will write thank-you notes to any of my friends who send you presents within one week of opening the present, you will call your mother one time per week. If you do not do these things, no more tuition, no more money, you are on your own financially.

If you can't play that kind of hardball, why no contact him next year and say, "Your dad and I think we are all a little old for presents. Can you take some time off at Christmas? We were thinking Christmas in Barbados/Jackson Hole. Sound good?" That way you can ensure that your husband gets to see his son.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue. My SS is 18. Finally considered an adult and in college. When he came over to visit last week, I told him that he was hurting his dad by not calling. Was it too much to ask for a call once in a while to say hello, talk about football, summer plans... Anything. We know he knows how to use his cell phone since we pay the bill and the calls for money manage to come through.

What he does with this information is up to him. Maybe the kid will change, maybe he won't. He's an adult now and if chooses not to have a relationship with his father beyond " I need", them there is nothing I can do about it.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to see someone you love feeling sad, but I think your instincts to stay out of it have been correct. That said, I don't think you need to go out of your way to buy stepson presents or do other stuff for him.

What is your husband doing to try and build the relationship he wants with his son? In can be hard for parents and adult kids to adjust to that new relationship, and it can take some nurturing, particularly if there are divorce/blended family issues involved. Stepson may need your husband to reach out to him and make those phone calls.

I saw a situation like this between my cousins and their stepmom. Cousins were raised in a really chaotic environment, but stepmom didn't really want to acknowledge how crazy their family and her new husband had been. She always wanted them to do normal family stuff like call on birthdays and come over for Christmas dinner, which they really had no previous experience doing. So for them, it felt like they were subjected to this crazy childhood, and then stepmom wanted them to deny that past and pretend they were normal, which they definitely were not. While it's unlikely that this is the exact situation in your family, husband and stepson may have some complicated history that they need to work through.

[Anonymous]

The phone works both ways. My dad is constantly complaining that I don't want to talk to him on the phone, but always talk to my mom. Guess what? She calls me. He never does.

[Anonymous]

He is 25 and has a life of his own. Give him a break. Is he in school? Working? That can be quite stressful. Did he have an awesome relationship with his father before he became an adult? Does he like you? I would not be spiteful, with the facebook messages. Remember, you are an adult, act like one. No one said that you have to give him gifts. He is not a baby anymore and you do not need to buy his love as a step mother.

[Anonymous]

Men (and 25 year old boys) don't really get passive aggression. It's not how they operate. If it bothers your DH, he should say very directly to his son, "It bothers me that you don't...." If it doesn't bother him, I'd personally let it go. BUT, if you happen to be the one picking out, wrapping, and sending the gifts, I'd stop that too.

My DH's stepmom has struggles like this all the time because my DH is one of five kids. Two of them are horrid to their father, my DH and the other two are good to him. When some of them do things that bother her on my FIL's behalf, she usually just has to vent to other people since HE never wants to do anything about it. But she has also put her foot down and won't be walked all over by them herself. If they're going to walk all over people, let it be my FIL, since, after all, they are his kids.

[Anonymous]

I am around your stepson's age and I've stopped sending my dad and stepmom gifts for birthdays and holidays because I will come visit 6 months later and see the gift still sitting unwrapped, never used. It hurts my feelings that they never acknowledge the gifts I put a lot of thought into, and that the gifts go wasted and unused.

Sometimes they'll send me a gift for the holidays, and it will go like this. My dad will call me two or three days before Christmas/my birthday, and ask what I want for a gift. I usually don't know what to say and just tell him I am not sure. Then he sends nothing. No gift, no card. I know that my stepmom's kids get wrapped presents, on time, with a card. It's not about the gift, it's about the effort.

I've stopped sending gifts but I still send cards.

Sometimes I talk to them on holidays; sometimes they just never pick up the phone and we don't get to talk.

So it goes both ways. Sorry he is inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

I never call my father or send cards/gifts for any holiday, especially fathers day. That's bc he's a self-centered prick who cheated on my mom multiple times and proclaimed he was "done raising his children" when I was 11. My 2 other siblings feel similarly. My point in posting this comment? There might be more to this than you're aware of. Or maybe he's just your typical entitled millennial.

[Anonymous]

Well, he is not a kid, he is a grown man and should be considerate of others. I think this is your DH's place to say something to him though, if he is as bothered by his son's actions as he seems from your post.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think you need to understand the situation better. Is this the way he was raised? He may not have been taught any of this behavior and now his father is expecting him to behave a certain way. My husband is pretty careless with his parents, but I think it was the way he was raised and it is the way they behave. I don't treat my parents this way, but I know the expectation.

I think if it is something which is bothering your husband, than he needs to address it with his son. His son is 25 and a grown man. He needs to be treated as such.

I would also throw out: did your husband behave badly during his divorce? My husband has bad memories about his father and their divorce.

[Anonymous]

We had the same issue. We only send cards for Christmas and birthday's. They are adults. No need to get gifts anymore. If they are appreciative and decent, then that is the reason to do it but if they just don't care, why waste the money.