Can divorced parents spend time with kid together?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are divorcing. We live nearby and have 50-50 custody. Both of us want more time with our child, but it's been too hard to separate emotionally while doing joint dinners, play dates etc. Has anyone ever had some sort of arrangement that avoids too much entanglement but allows more co-parenting so that we can both enjoy our child more?

[Anonymous]

I am guessing your child is young and that one of you wanted the divorce more than the other. How young? We did some things together when our child was young. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Mine did. In fact my mom continued to come over for a while and make meals for us etc. immediately after the divorce. There were 5 of us kids, dad had custody and they made it work. I was so happy they were divorced but my next youngest brother was devastated. I'd see how your child reacts and be sure to explain that you aren't getting back together just cause you are doing things together.

Good luck OP - it's a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

I had an unplanned pregnancy with a guy I'd just started dating and ended up having the baby. He was initially dead-set against the pregnancy, so we broke up and I figured that was the end of it. He came around for fatherhood, but not for being with me. There was some resentment on both our parts - it can be hard to forgive someone who dumps you when you're pregnant, and it can be hard to forgive someone who chose to have a baby against your wishes. But we make it work, and it's actually working really well. (in fact, I'm writing this from his house - we're staying with him for almost 6 weeks while we're transitioning between houses. separate bedrooms, of course.) It has gotten easier and easier as our daughter gets older. occasionally there's awkwardness and occasionally things flare up, but when it comes down to it, we both want to make coparenting work and we both want what's best for our daughter.

What works for us is that most of our activities are NOT joint. Either I take her to a birthday party or he does. Either I take her to the park or he does. We do occasionally do stuff as a threesome, and it's fun, but generally it's one-on-one time. We sit down each week and figure out our schedules - who has conflicts, etc. We try to take each other's feelings into account, and we trade off who gets to pick their night off. Eventually you might be able to do stuff as a threesome, but it could take awhile. Don't push it. For now, you get one-on-one bonding time with your child, which is great. a lot of dads end up letting their wives take the lead on kid stuff and miss out on that. (my mom died when i was a teen - I've gotten to know my dad a lot better since then. there are silver linings to this.)

good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks to all. To 20.17, you are correct: DD is almost 6, and one parent wants the divorce and the other doesn't. Trying to figure out what kind of joint activities are okay -- pool visits? Playing outside? Dinners together? The Separation is so raw right now that time together has repercussions -- accidentally upsetting the other, causing greater emotionally involvement, etc.

[Anonymous]

20:17 here. That was me, my child was younger. My ex wanted the divorce. I wanted my ex to go to the other side of the world for a year so I could heal. We did hang with our child, but I think only you can assess which activities cause the least upset. Plus its not always possible to say, it can just be the day, the mood, the barometric pressure.

Are you in individual therapy? My therapist was so helpful. I cried when she retired a decade later. My child is a teen, in high school, so I've been at this for awhile.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 20:17: yes, everyone's in therapy. My therapist favors as little time as possible together; daughter's therapist favors more family time together, so I'm caught in the middle of dueling therapists.

[Anonymous]

We are able to do this now, but we are six years into our divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP,

PP here (20:17/7:42). Does your daughter's therapist know how hard this is for you to do? Might your therapist call her therapist?

[Anonymous]

OP were you the one who wanted the divorce? I think the feelings of the one who did not want it should control. It's not something kids need. It's nice if everyone can manage it, sometimes it will be easier later.

[Anonymous]

18:11 Actually we do not have the information about whether or not the child needs it! We do not know the schedule or her level of upset and anxiety around transitions and the split. Unfortunately these situations treat the parents as equals, the expectation is the party who did not want the divorce buck up. I've been there. (Have you?) If OP's ex and daughter are fine with getting together, then OP should try and get together sometimes. I did. It nearly beyond painful, but I did it.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I are able to do this very successfully and it's great if you can swing it. Then again, ours was a mutual split so there's not much acrimony in general. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

She is young and it is probably better not to have mom and dad together all of the time. It might lead her to think you will be getting back together. She will adjust to the new reality. My parents split up when I was 5 and I don't remember them ever being together.

[Anonymous]

21:35 There's a risk of that, but it can be very helpful to a child who's having separation anxiety. It helped our child more than it stoked his fantasy of reconciliation, which was strong when he was younger.

[Anonymous]

why get divorced if you want to spend time together as a family? take separate vacations and cool your heads and then reconcile. save the $$