When your young teen gets along better with adults than peers

[Anonymous]

My son has always been this way, and it's due to his inattentive ADHD and Asperger's tendencies.

My daughter has some social anxiety, but warms up once she knows the kids around her, so it's not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she needs help. Therapy is not overkill.

Keep in mind that adults are going to kindly overlook many social missteps teens make bc they have the maturity to do so. But as your DD gets older, adults will become less kind. She will then not have friends among her peers or adults.

Exactly, adults accept a lot more from kids than their peers. She doesn't actually fit in with the adults, but they think she is great *FOR A KID*.

Therapy is recommended. Likely anxiety about rejection I would suspect.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid, although maybe to a lesser extreme. My extroverted mother taught me social skills lessons from the time I was very young and I did have a fair bit of therapy. But, basically - I have always done better with a very small group of close friends and middle school was pure hell for me (shudder). College was okay, and I really found myself in grad school and in the working world. I am now a middle-3-s professional with kids, a great husband, and a wonderful core group of friends. I wish I enjoyed my childhood more, but in all honesty I think I am just better suited to adulthood. I am very happy and well-adjusted now. Not so much as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know middle school is tough for all, but my nearly 14 yo dd has had difficulty relating to peers since she was in preschool! She just doesn't really pick up on social clues, has no sense of self-depracation, gets easily annoyed by things she perceives to be injustices, and generally cannot let anything go. She is, however, very smart and converses well with adults, who think she is just absolutely amazing. She is a pleaser/teacher brown-noser in school, an over-achiever. But she doesn't really have many (any?) friends nor does she do the things one needs to do to be a friend (i.e. reach out, etc). No amount of trying to coach her on this has worked in her life. She's easily aggrieved. And, Lord can she be nasty to her sibling (who is a social butterfly so I think it's out of envy).

I have finally called a therapist as I'm really worried for her. But I wonder if this is overkill? I guess the therapist can evaluate.

My wife is having a harder time than I am --- she tends to take things personally and attack others when upset/angry, etc. I'm calmer and seem to know how to talk to dd in a way that's more effective/relatable. Wife says she's doomed for an awful mother-daughter relationship and I'll never understand this as a man.


Anyone else have a kid like this? Any tips?

Hi, Op

I've highlighted the parts in your post that my DD was like your DD at age 13. She was also very sensitive to clothes and hated tags. At age 13, she was diagnosed with HFA. Girls are diagnosed not as early usually because girls can cover their social anxieties better. She also has ADHD ( inattentive) and has some OCD tendencies. Before diagnoisis we tried to coach her too but, she was too scared and didn't know how. We had her tested at 10 first but, it wasn't picked up until 13. Your wife may have it as well since we now know more. Think Susan Boyle from the singing show was diagnosed in her 40's

Before anyone says "you say everyone has Aspergers" Let me say this, it is a very real possibility. It is not the end of the world as we love our DD and she has a lot of good qualities. I felt relieved once we knew what was "wrong" and then we could deal with it.

If you live in the area, Dr. David Black in Chevy Chase ( PEERS) is excellent for testing and social groups, which really helped unlike other social groups.

Good luck! I wish your family the best.

Thanks for this. I'll mention something to the therapist. I'd be surprised, however -- I've been around a lot of people with autism and it doesn't fit (and I don't think there is daddy bias there -- I'm quite capable of looking at her objectively and knowing her strengths and weaknesses.).

This is the pp. The thing is each Asperger person is different. Have you ever heard the expression, "If you have met one person with Aspergers than that means you have met one person with Aspergers" I never, ever thought my DD had Aspergers because I saw it as mainly a boy/man "problem". It is good you are checking with therapist but, only a testing professional can really diagnose. It ain't cheap but, it changed our lives for the better. We treat her the same but, now we know why she is acting the way she is acting. Once you know the problem than you can make a plan and *do* something.

Trust me, your DD knows something is wrong and wants to change. That's why she acts mean towards her younger sibling. My DD is very verbal so she expressed when she was jealous of younger DD (NT) social skills. Things will get better once you all know.

[Anonymous]

On the various tests, you might see a blip here or there that is a trait shared by people who do meet some diagnosis, even if you don't. Diagnosis or not, those are areas to work on. In our case, speech therapy for social pragmatics was extremely helpful in navigating the social life of school.

[Anonymous]

New poster here with ADHD Inattentive dd who also excels and is somewhat of an overachiever. Being very involved at school with sports and drama has helped, as has a therapist, but the social stuff is an ongoing challenge. I know it's hard but DW has to back off a bit. Hopefully the therapist will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this kid, although maybe to a lesser extreme. My extroverted mother taught me social skills lessons from the time I was very young and I did have a fair bit of therapy. But, basically - I have always done better with a very small group of close friends and middle school was pure hell for me (shudder). College was okay, and I really found myself in grad school and in the working world. I am now a middle-3-s professional with kids, a great husband, and a wonderful core group of friends. I wish I enjoyed my childhood more, but in all honesty I think I am just better suited to adulthood. I am very happy and well-adjusted now. Not so much as a kid.

Amen sister. This was me and is one of my DDs. I make sure she is involved in activities and she has two close friends who are just like her. It does not mean she is disordered OP. Maybe she was just born 40 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was this kid, although maybe to a lesser extreme. My extroverted mother taught me social skills lessons from the time I was very young and I did have a fair bit of therapy. But, basically - I have always done better with a very small group of close friends and middle school was pure hell for me (shudder). College was okay, and I really found myself in grad school and in the working world. I am now a middle-3-s professional with kids, a great husband, and a wonderful core group of friends. I wish I enjoyed my childhood more, but in all honesty I think I am just better suited to adulthood. I am very happy and well-adjusted now. Not so much as a kid.

Amen sister. This was me and is one of my DDs. I make sure she is involved in activities and she has two close friends who are just like her. It does not mean she is disordered OP. Maybe she was just born 40 years old.

True, but wouldn't you want to know? There is nothing shameful about being on the Autism spectrum. Lots of successful and happy people but, it helps once they understand their strengths and weaknesses. Look at Daryl Hannah and how she struggled in Hollywood compared to Susan Boyle. Think of how more successful Hannah could have been if she could have been open (not sure she even knew) Today no one would bat an eye.

Everyone has a disabiltiy..( I can't spell lol) but, knowledge is power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! DD is very similar. In our case, we know she has anxiety, but I've wondered if other things are going on. (Inattentive ADD?) Like you, we're pursuing therapy. Good luck!

ADD and an over achiever and good student? Try again.

Actually a lot of people (particularly girls) with inattentive ADHD manage to go undiagnosed so long because that have high IQs & are often perfectionsts resulting in them being high achievers & good students (who are actually struggling with many day to day things more than anyone ever notices). At a certain point, however, it all comes to a head & they can no longer get vy with just their smarts & generally need treatment for the ADHD as they get oldet.Not saying this is the case with OP's DD, however. Just wanted to point out that ADHD can, in fact, occur in high acheivers & good students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! DD is very similar. In our case, we know she has anxiety, but I've wondered if other things are going on. (Inattentive ADD?) Like you, we're pursuing therapy. Good luck!

ADD and an over achiever and good student? Try again.

Actually a lot of people (particularly girls) with inattentive ADHD manage to go undiagnosed so long because that have high IQs & are often perfectionsts resulting in them being high achievers & good students (who are actually struggling with many day to day things more than anyone ever notices). At a certain point, however, it all comes to a head & they can no longer get vy with just their smarts & generally need treatment for the ADHD as they get oldet.Not saying this is the case with OP's DD, however. Just wanted to point out that ADHD can, in fact, occur in high acheivers & good students.

Was coming here to say exactly this. I have a gifted IQ and skated through school and even college with excellent grades, but when I started to realize that something was wrong and was tested as a junior at university, I scored as having 'severe ADD'. Managing a household and staying on top of tasks at work has been an extreme struggle for me. School was easy because I could memorize and analyze information quickly, but having to stay on top of day-to-day tasks is unbelievably difficult.