One-uppers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had friends who were always having some sort of crisis, such that they in essence required themselves to be centered in any conversation. Like everything was a dire moment. After a while it felt like I was just a therapist who got trauma-dumped on constantly. Backing away from those friends has cleared a lot of room in my life.

Reminds me of a couple of my wife's friends. There are two of them with the same patterns. She invites me to sit in with her when they'd come over, and I usually decline because the conversation will be something like 85% devoted to their dietary restrictions, drama surrounding their kids' being trans, and/or their various health complaints. You get both of those friends in the same conversation, and it's just going to be three hours on those topics. I like wine and socializing, but on those nights, I'm headed to the basement to watch a movie with a lot of explosions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

The question you need to answer is why does it bother you? You CHOOSE what bothers you. Would you care if this was a random person living in Europe? No. So, why do you care? Why can you not focus on your life versus comparing to others. Every family is different along with parent and kid personalities.

You’re being obtuse. It bothers her because it is obnoxious aggressive rude and is designed to bother her. Stop blaming the recipient of bad behavior for calling it out.

OP here. Basically, this is why. It is really aggressive and dominates group conversations - think social gatherings, kid activities where parents are talking, bus stop, etc. I will also admit I am really struggling with juggling my day-to-day life right now and it would be nice to have some empathy instead of "Oh yeah!?! Well my life is harder!!" Obviously, I can find that elsewhere or just deal with my own feelings myself but it doesn't help.

I find a lot of adults just speak from their point of view. It's like they've lost the ability to relate. They are one upping because they are used to a monologue to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they do this to commiserate?

i have a friend who does this. It's like she doesn't know how to just listen or ask questions, she always has a story to match mine. She's a good person in general. Her intention isn't too one up but to relate, it's just done ineffectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

The question you need to answer is why does it bother you? You CHOOSE what bothers you. Would you care if this was a random person living in Europe? No. So, why do you care? Why can you not focus on your life versus comparing to others. Every family is different along with parent and kid personalities.

You’re being obtuse. It bothers her because it is obnoxious aggressive rude and is designed to bother her. Stop blaming the recipient of bad behavior for calling it out.

OP here. Basically, this is why. It is really aggressive and dominates group conversations - think social gatherings, kid activities where parents are talking, bus stop, etc. I will also admit I am really struggling with juggling my day-to-day life right now and it would be nice to have some empathy instead of "Oh yeah!?! Well my life is harder!!" Obviously, I can find that elsewhere or just deal with my own feelings myself but it doesn't help.

You are in charge of what others you. That's the bottom line. If you seemingly cannot get "away" from this person don't let these things bother you. How this person's family and how they go about their day to day really impact you and your family? No. So, move the heck on. It takes maturity to control your emotions and realize who is important and who is not.

There are many people who should not have any impact on your life. Perhaps this person is one of them. Whatever they say just shake it off. You are the one who choses to take it personal and make it an issue. You can also choose to do the opposite.

[Anonymous]

You know what's something they'll never be able to "one up" you on? Conversational skills and social grace. Remind yourself of that and let their comments roll off of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

Four words, have empathy and find amusement. Everyone's burden is the heaviest for them and people's silly smugness and obsession with self importance is often more amusing than comedy shows.

[Anonymous]

If people are trying to juggle more than needed, its on them. Not a matter of social pride or expecting sympathy or help from others. No-one asked them to run this race of achieving more and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t hang out with people like this.

DH has a few professional colleagues who are one uppers but not with kids. They are really annoying and I try to see and talk to them at a bare minimum.

me, too. I have very few people like that in my life. BUT DH has a female friend who does this. She's the type that will also correct you if she thinks you've mispronounced something. The type that tells you they have a Christmas gift for you but you must drive by their house (inconvenient place) to pick it up. Today she would be called entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

Four words, have empathy and find amusement. Everyone's burden is the heaviest for them and people's silly smugness and obsession with self importance is often more amusing than comedy shows.

Yes, try snickering when they discuss their misfortunes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

The question you need to answer is why does it bother you? You CHOOSE what bothers you. Would you care if this was a random person living in Europe? No. So, why do you care? Why can you not focus on your life versus comparing to others. Every family is different along with parent and kid personalities.

You’re being obtuse. It bothers her because it is obnoxious aggressive rude and is designed to bother her. Stop blaming the recipient of bad behavior for calling it out.

OP here. Basically, this is why. It is really aggressive and dominates group conversations - think social gatherings, kid activities where parents are talking, bus stop, etc. I will also admit I am really struggling with juggling my day-to-day life right now and it would be nice to have some empathy instead of "Oh yeah!?! Well my life is harder!!" Obviously, I can find that elsewhere or just deal with my own feelings myself but it doesn't help.

You are in charge of what others you. That's the bottom line. If you seemingly cannot get "away" from this person don't let these things bother you. How this person's family and how they go about their day to day really impact you and your family? No. So, move the heck on. It takes maturity to control your emotions and realize who is important and who is not.

There are many people who should not have any impact on your life. Perhaps this person is one of them. Whatever they say just shake it off. You are the one who choses to take it personal and make it an issue. You can also choose to do the opposite.

Could you stop? You’ve already been asked to stop. More than once. How about YOU take a hint and choose not to compulsively respond in ways the OP has already explicitly stated are unhelpful and unwanted.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually too busy to associate with people like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they do this to commiserate?

+100 commiserate or to relate to what you are going though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

I cut them out. We were friends with a family like this. Their constant one upping was exhausting. It wasn’t just busy - it was everything. If someone got a new car, they’d get a new car - but more expensive, and they’d let you know. Your kid plays a sport, their kids are better. They would ask people the square footage of their homes and tell them how much bigger their house was. My favorite was when another family bought a vacation home, and this family was in the same exact area looking for anything to buy on the day of their closing. They’re toxic people and as far as I can see the only people who tolerate them are those who are forced to by proximity.

[Anonymous]

My spouse one ups me on any negative emotion. They've always had the more awful day, childhood, life, headache, you name it. I've learned to just not share as much about myself because however low I may be they'll take me lower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle one-uppers in your day-to-day life? You know, the type where no matter what, they've got you beat - they are busier, they have less free time, their kids sleep less. You have a work trip that is logistically hard for your family? Their DH is going on four work trips in the next month! This isn't just limited to things being hard -- their kids are also the smartest, the most athletic, etc.

Assume this is a relationship where simply avoiding them won't work. Is there an easy way to shut this down? Ignoring it isn't working.

The question you need to answer is why does it bother you? You CHOOSE what bothers you. Would you care if this was a random person living in Europe? No. So, why do you care? Why can you not focus on your life versus comparing to others. Every family is different along with parent and kid personalities.

You’re being obtuse. It bothers her because it is obnoxious aggressive rude and is designed to bother her. Stop blaming the recipient of bad behavior for calling it out.

OP here. Basically, this is why. It is really aggressive and dominates group conversations - think social gatherings, kid activities where parents are talking, bus stop, etc. I will also admit I am really struggling with juggling my day-to-day life right now and it would be nice to have some empathy instead of "Oh yeah!?! Well my life is harder!!" Obviously, I can find that elsewhere or just deal with my own feelings myself but it doesn't help.

I find a lot of adults just speak from their point of view. It's like they've lost the ability to relate. They are one upping because they are used to a monologue to themselves.

I wonder if this can be taught?! I see my son doing this and would love to teach him to try and relate better to others.