If Your College-Ages Child Doesn’t Communicate

[Anonymous]

We have a sunday phone call. sometimes she can't talk because studying so we ask when it will be good sometimes it is too hectic till a few days later. Also try texting, I was never a texter until I realized that it was the way she wanted to communicate.

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend sends her daughter a funny cartoon almost every day to get some response.

[Anonymous]

OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

Thank you, you’re right. I just made plans to see a friend of mine out of state so I have something else to think about! I have to trust that she’s ok, I know. I guess I am afraid these are flashes of what it’s going to be like when she is older, she won’t reach out much and that makes me sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

Thank you, you’re right. I just made plans to see a friend of mine out of state so I have something else to think about! I have to trust that she’s ok, I know. I guess I am afraid these are flashes of what it’s going to be like when she is older, she won’t reach out much and that makes me sad

Not necessarily. My kids call more since they finished college and started work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

Thank you, you’re right. I just made plans to see a friend of mine out of state so I have something else to think about! I have to trust that she’s ok, I know. I guess I am afraid these are flashes of what it’s going to be like when she is older, she won’t reach out much and that makes me sad

Not necessarily. My kids call more since they finished college and started work.

So good to hear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We set up a weekly Sunday night phone call with ds.

This. We started with a once a week Zoom. Time of the week depends on their schedules and preferences. It’s nice when we can Zoom with both kids at once, but it isn’t always possible. 1st kid started college fall 2020, pre-COVID vaccine, and that was scary. Some school open and then closed. Had a lot of sick kids who couldn’t get meals. There were a lot of unknowns. So, we started with the expectation of wanting to see his face. It just continued from there, and kid 2 accepted that’s the way it was. We let them decide the when (within reason), change the time and date if there is a conflict and keep it very short if they are busy. A “hi! This is my proof of life of the week. Yes, Im sleeping enough, eating well and getting some exercise. Love to the dog!” 2 minute checkins are fine during exams.

Basically, we set the expectation of regular checkins. One kid really likes them and can talk for an hour. (Which is a lot more than he talked to us in high school or when he’s home from school). The other seems fine with checkins, but is often busy and keeps them short. But, she’s more willing to hang out and chat on breaks. It’s all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

Thank you, you’re right. I just made plans to see a friend of mine out of state so I have something else to think about! I have to trust that she’s ok, I know. I guess I am afraid these are flashes of what it’s going to be like when she is older, she won’t reach out much and that makes me sad

So you reach out and respect her boundaries. Does she prefer phone or zoom or a text dialogue? What time of the day/ week? A couple times a week send a photo of the pets or a meme. Occasionally text a “Happy Friday! Anything fun planned this weekend?”. If she’s in state, go visit and take her to her favorite restaurant. Clear in advance. Promise you will only take 1 or 2 hours and stick to that. Ask her to make time to get a pedicure with you when she’s at home. My DD and I do a long weekend, reasonable place of her choice, at the end of each school year.

Experiment and see what gets the best response, then gently do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, by sophomore year your DD is settled into life as a full-time college student. I remember school and everyone there being my world. This is developmentally normal. Keep communications open, suggest a check-in phone call every couple of weeks and trust that she's OK. Then you should stay busy, too, so you don't dwell.

Thank you, you’re right. I just made plans to see a friend of mine out of state so I have something else to think about! I have to trust that she’s ok, I know. I guess I am afraid these are flashes of what it’s going to be like when she is older, she won’t reach out much and that makes me sad

Not necessarily. My kids call more since they finished college and started work.

So good to hear!

Different PP. This was definitely the way I was with my parents. Once I felt more independent it was so much easier to interact.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My DD is a second year and often goes a week or so, then I might get a text like "If I mail home my jeans can you get them fixed and then bring them when you come visit me" and I text "yes" and I hear nothing after that.

I absolutely don't take it personally. And there is no way to set up a Sunday call without it not working and me getting frustrated.

Please don't take it personally, or as symbolic that they don't care. They are adulting and for some reason, need to try not grabbing the umbilical cord for security--they are practicing using their new friends for that.

And I do think their unique personalities really matter. For some, it's easy if you establish the once-a-week call. For others, you'll just get frustrated when they don't answer.

I have made it a practice to not reach out to my DD...mostly because if I don't hear back, I don't like how I feel (anxious and annoyed). This not-reaching-out policy has been great for me, and when she facetimes, it's really fun because she has time to talk and wants to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Relationship was pretty good before she left for school — I mean only daughter and oldest kid so nothing to compare to.

I know she was happy to get away from siblings and the noise. She communicated more freshman year, she is sophomore now and first couple of weeks she has communicated and then in dropped off, not responding to texts etc unless it was directly reflecting some need or want of hers.

I will say she is very independent and has a PT a paid job while in school etc. She has always had an independent streak but the non-communication seems so sad and also frustrating bc we do sometimes need to connect with her.

The weekly scheduled calls don’t work because she is on call for her job and we never know.

Anyway I am glad she is fine and independent but I do worry and am also sad. I think what a PP said is prob true, we are thinking about her all the time and she is thinking about us not at all

How many younger siblings? Maybe she feels pressured to communicate and that makes her pull back. Maybe send her a care package now and then with no expectations? Is she coming home?

[Anonymous]

Meet her where she is. Fortunately neither my dd or me like talking on the phone so we are not a “weekly zoom call” family at all. But I know she appreciates little bits of life at home in text form ( dog pic, something I cooked, some funny local news story etc) so i send those, she responds, it just kinds of keeps lines of communication open and then she fills me in on other stuff. I’m certain that “tell me how everything is going” would feel like a lot of pressure ( they would to me too TBH) so I don’t send those. I think keeping things light an enjoyable is the key, and text is a great way to do that.

[Anonymous]

DD will text when she wants or needs something, gets mad when I don't respond IMMEDIATELY. Then I will text her about something and get totally ghosted.
Every one in a while I get an emoji reaction but no words.

Her brother way more communicative

[Anonymous]

OP, did you call your parents once a week? That's what most of our generation did. And we might forget that, even occasionally. Ask that of your DD. Hope for that.

If you wanted assurance that you would connect on a deep level with a child/daughter, you needed to have had several kids to assure that outcome.

[Anonymous]

I am so glad I do not have this problem with my college aged DD. She picked up golf at a very young age with me and as an adult, and she plays a round of golf with me once a week on either Saturday or Sunday. That's almost four hours of being together between mother and daughter on the golf course. The relationship has definitely evolved in the past year, for the better.