17 yo daughter cannot say "no"

[Anonymous]

I'm at my wit's end, my 17 year old daughter can't seem to say no to sex. She's had multiple partners over the past couple of years, most being one night stands. She caught clamydia a couple of months ago, and after treatment, I was sure she "learned her lesson" and would discontinue. However, I just found out tonight that she had another one night stand with someone she "doesn't even like" last Friday night.

She feels guilty afterwards, swears to herself it will never happen again, but it still happens. I'm sure it's a self esteem issue. I take her to monthly counseling, which she tells me she doesn't need, but she must have the counselor fooled as he thinks she's the best kid, but continues seeing her to enforce good behavior. I have tried making her go to youth group, young lives meetings, etc., but she keeps falling into the same patterns.

I will find out, and will ground her. She'll stay home, be punished, whatever, for a length of time, and convince me all is fine and she's turned over a new leaf. I'll give her an inch, such as allowing her to go to dinner with 2 friends last Friday, then find out she ended up having sex instead. I can't keep her locked in the house forever can I? She'll be 18 next month and has a full ride scholarship to a university next year that I can't allow her to jeopardize.

What kind of counseling, or classes, or what will teach her some self-control, self-worth, etc.? I just don't know what to do with her anymore.

thank you for any advice you can give.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap. I don't envy you- except for the scholarship! Does she have a dad?

[Anonymous]

Definitely needs therapy. Could she be a sex addict--can't stop, but feels guilty afterwards? Does she have other addictive behaviors? Was she abused as a child? Not sure what to make of this, but I had a friend like this in high school who was abused, and her life is now okay, but not after years of drug abuse, serious health consequences, and abusive relationships. Please do what you must to get her help.

[Anonymous]

Coming from someone who was quite promiscuous as a young adult, I will tell you this....get her on birth control and give her a stash of condoms. You probably wont be able to stop her, but you can teach her to be safe.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Her dad is in the picture, he and I have been married 22 years (I got pregnant with her older sister when I was 16, he was 19...he was my only partner and I can honestly say my early experience with him was due to my own low self-esteem as well).

She's been seeing this therapist for a few months. She insists she doesn't need to see him, that she can't talk to him and that it's pointless to go. I say "well, what am I supposed to do when you are still lying and making poor decisions". When I talk to him, and ask if she needs to continue, he seems to think she's a great kid who's made some poor choices, but overall we just need to keep reinforcing her to make the "right choices" and therefore continue bringing her. She tells me all they talk about are her athletics and her last appt only lasted about 25 minutes.

She does have other addictive behavior, specifically eating. Like me, she battles weight issues, but her activities keep her pretty fit and though not slim, not heavy either.

Her first round of therapy took place back when she was about 7, and I found out she'd had some sex play with a friend. I was told I was being over-reactive and her experimentation was normal back then, so we gradually stopped therapy after about 9 months. As far as any other abuse, I've addressed that more than once, and we find nothing that leads us to believe she was.

I've got her on bc pills, but I'm seriously considering getting something that's more fail-proof...if it exists. Of course that will only take care of the pregnancy part, which is huge, but not the safety part of it.

She's not a brain-iac (typically a B/C student), but she's definitely sensible enough to realize what she's doing is wrong. Heck, she admits she said to herself Friday before leaving that "she wouldn't be having sex that night". She just lacks self-control...how do you teach that? I am most concerned because she'll be leaving the state for college next fall...and Lord knows what she'll do without me constantly reminding her to "make good choices today".

What kind of therapy should I be targeting to help her? This child psychologist thing doesn't appear to be working.

The saddest part of this is that everyone that knows her thinks she's the sweetest kid in the world. Those that I've confided in cannot believe she's capable of doing this and that she just made some bad choices. I'm just so saddened and it breaks my heart that she won't learn a lesson until it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Get a new therapist. Sometimes you need to try several before you find one that works.

[Anonymous]

Medication.

I am surprised the therapist hasn't already suggested it.

[Anonymous]

And get a female therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a new therapist. Sometimes you need to try several before you find one that works.

This.

[Anonymous]

Another PP. Change therapists and to a female. You need to get to the root of why she does this. It can't be all about feeling wanted or whatever. There are other ways to do that. She doesn't want to be the girl who can't go to school reunions, because her sex life is all anyone remembers about her.

[Anonymous]

OP again: Thanks everyone, I'm going to start calling around for a new, female, therapist today. Do you think it should still be a child/adolescent therapist, or a sex therapist, or what?

She does take adderall for ADD, what medication were you thinking 22:50? Maybe something geared toward addictive behavior?

Great point 6:05, one I am going to remind her of. Researching last night made me aware that I've been trying to shame her into not doing this, and I need to take the shame out of it, and just make solid logical points about her reputation, health risks, future, etc. But right now, besides all the fear for her safely, I am ashamed of her and just can't get past that.

[Anonymous]

I would get a child/adolescent psychologist (or maybe LCSW). If you are in MoCo, try Alvord Baker -- we have had fabulous results with two of their therapists and they are all child/adolescent practitioners. Offices in Rockville and Silver Spring.

[Anonymous]

Find a psychiatrist who does therapy for adolescents, or a practice that has both therapy and medication in the same facility. It is important to take a team approach to this.
Adderall will up sex drive in some, and can produce mania if she is vulnerable. On teh flip side, if her dose is too low and it is just an executive/ impulse control scenario she would have trouble controlling herself.

And I can't believe I am saying this... but get her a vibrator. Reinforce that her feelings are natural, but there are quality alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's been seeing this therapist for a few months. She insists she doesn't need to see him, that she can't talk to him and that it's pointless to go. I say "well, what am I supposed to do when you are still lying and making poor decisions". When I talk to him, and ask if she needs to continue, he seems to think she's a great kid who's made some poor choices, but overall we just need to keep reinforcing her to make the "right choices" and therefore continue bringing her. She tells me all they talk about are her athletics and her last appt only lasted about 25 minutes.

The saddest part of this is that everyone that knows her thinks she's the sweetest kid in the world. Those that I've confided in cannot believe she's capable of doing this and that she just made some bad choices. I'm just so saddened and it breaks my heart that she won't learn a lesson until it's too late.

OP, I share your urgent concern about your daughter but I think you're missing something here. She is a great kid who has made poor choices and she is the sweetest kid in the world. Of course you want her to stop engaging in self-destructive behavior but that behavior doesn't fundamentally make her a bad, shameful person.

Believe me, I have a 17-year-old who has done a couple of really stupid things but she has learned from them and is maturing. Having done stupid things didn't make her bad -- but it did put her in danger and that's ultimately what you should emphasize with your daughter.

I agree with the pps that you should find her another therapist. Once a month is not enough. And it does sound like she might have some problems with addiction, so it should be someone who is knowledgeable about addiction, particularly sex addiction.

This sounds rough. Good luck with it!

[Anonymous]

A vibrator is a great idea!

And switch therapists, because this one seems awful.