Expectant Black Mom Raising Biracial Donor Kid alone

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I saw one thread from a White mom raising her son without his Black father that was done a while back. My situation is different. I sought a known Black donor that I adore and knew would be a great known donor dad and we could not work out some kinks. I could not afford cyrobanks and finally found a great donor who is European. I am now expecting and have never even dated a White man. I think aside from ensuring I get schooled, from the different perspective of the ways White women may want to be schooled, in raising a Black/biracial child, I also am trying to imagine how to share and what to share with my family & friends as I begin to tell them that I am expecting. May leave out the donor detail all together, but eventually I think it will be clear that my child's biological father is White. So it is just a strange thing for me because it is not really my social world. I trust my child will have good brown/biracial/multiracial children around in the DC community and school, but imagining how to share with the little one all the background stuff is one of many things I am wrestling with as well as resolving it for myself in my own social world. And I can not give him a European cultural perspective. Do I share those details? I trust my instincts will fall in to place as those questions emerge later.

Any biracial/bicultural folks raised only with Black family members have perspectives on this? One sense I have is to get with the amazing bi/multiracial folks/adults in my life who might offer that layer of identity connection for my child in ways I can not. And to ensure this child has positive folks of all backgrounds around. However, if anyone has some thoughts or any women of color who have been in this position and wish to offer their insights and perspectives, I would welcome that.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I'm not in your situation, but you haven't gotten any other responses, so I just wanted to throw in my $0.02. I honestly don't think you need to do anything special to give your child a European cultural influence. Much of what he/she will learn in school will cover European history, culture, music, norms, etc. And honestly, in this area, there's very little chance your child will be the only mixed-race child in any class or group he/she is in. When he/she is older, you can have the "your dad is white" conversation. Chances are that as he grows up, he'll either choose to identify more as black or white or may not have to at all, depending on his peer group. Expose him or her to what you are into, and to what you may feel is valuable, and you've done your job as a parent, I think. (I expose my daughter to fine art and classical music both because I like it and because I feel it's important.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm just curious as to why you didn't work all of this out in your mind before you went ahead with the donor process? If it bothers you this much, one would think that you would have pondered the issue before committing to this path. I understand that the European donor is "great," but he is, and was at the time you chose him, European.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive mom and have been very much schooled in the current view that you do not keep secrets from your child about his biological mom and dad. I don't know if it translants to donor kids or not but it might. We tell our son about his biological mom and dad, and show him pictures of them (his bio mom is black, dad is white and our son looks white) and have been very open with family and friends about our son's background with the hope of making sure he is comfortable with his background and feels like he can talk about it with us later on. Although it seemed uncomfortable at first to talk about, now it just feels right. Hopefully, our son will think so too when he is old enough! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt stress over it ...

there are a LOT of white people in the DC area and Im sure he will interact with white people on a daily basis. Also he will learn about his fathers cultural heritage and past in school. (which is not the case for blacks at least where I went to school)

[Anonymous]

I am a black mom with a br daughter with Multiracial donor dad primarily white. DD is three and is a different color from me and my partner so it raises some interesting questions. There are some interesting issues you may have to address pretty early on surrounding race and color, but if you love then and let them know, the rest will get filled in.

[Anonymous]

Agree w/ 13:40.

[Anonymous]

I'm also a black mom raising a biracial child. It's kind of uncommon, and I sometimes get some weird looks, and interesting questions. My child isn't school age yet so I haven't dealt with any of the accompanying issues, but I think it's best if you could expose your child to both cultures. Which wouldn't be difficult in DC. You can email me if you want to talk. [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

I have biracial asian children. When I look around the classrooms at DC's schools I see many, many different colors. It actually seems like the entire spectrum from dark brown to pale white with every shade of beige/brown in between. There are so many mixed race children out there. I agree with the other posters that you do not need to go out of your way to expose your child to the Euro influence. It will just happen. Good luck and enjoy your journey!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am black and my husband is white, the children are mixed. I DO NOT think about it at all. First, the kids are looking more black (I think), so I assume that no one notices. Their father has a darker complexion (Jewish), so I guess that is why they are looking more black than white.
Look, even if my husband up and left or passed away the day after they were born, and I were in your shoes, I can't imagine "explaining" anything to anyone else.
Your kid should know ASAP who their father is.

[Anonymous]

Another black mom with biracial kids there. I agree that your kid should know about dad's ethnicity ASAP. People come in all different colors and he is a result of that -- it's natural and normal and he should be made to feel that way right from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

I guess what you have to decide is are you raising a black child or a biracial child.

I am a black woman, who has a white mother. I was never raised as biracial. I grew up within the black community of my home city and when I close my eyes, I see a brown-skinned girl.

Not everyone in my situation was raised with the same self-concept. Sooooo much has changed since I was born (40 years ago) that I honestly can't relate to the sense of "choice" that is so pervasive as it concerns children like me. My mother and father felt that it was important to raise me (and the rest of my siblings) as black because of the world we would inhabit and the racism we would face. Nevermind that I'm more often mistaken for latina or mediterranean and could likely pass for white.

I am culturally-aware and educated, so I've been exposed to most if not all of the more "European" or Western norms, but still identify wholly as African-American.

I believe this is your starting point. Who are you raising?

It's your call.

FWIW, I would say the same to the white posters.

[Anonymous]

Well if the baby is a donor kid. Then there is no father. So you raise it in your culture and do so as if the kid was just your race

[Anonymous]

Another Black mom raising a bi-racial donor kid here. It's funny, my world is diverse, but less so in terms of gender so I tend to think more about male role models (beyond family, but the don’t live nerby). There is no doubt that he will have plenty of European influences, whether among my friends or in the textbooks. I think you just need to be honest with him. From my perspective, though, I am raising a black child. I think that's what people see (they certainly see that when they look at the President), and he needs to be prepared for that. I will, of course, when he’s a little older, tell him about his background. The bottom line, though, is that your child, like mine, is loved and wanted. Beyond that, just about everything is gravy.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that as a black woman married to a white man I really appreciate the thoughtful responses to this post! We are planning on TTC and have discussed these issues extensively, but you can never anticipate every situation. We've decided that our children will be raised as "black children with a white dad" for many of the same reasons that PP have stated. We've made an effort to develop a diverse group of friends, so that they will have experience with both races (and more!), but because our society tends to naturally view things from a white perspective, we feel that the more challenging task will be to help them understand what it means to be perceived as "black" in our society.

I do have a good girlfriend however, who is biracial, but looks more white (or Middle Eastern), and was raised to think of herself as such. Her experience has been very different from what I intend for my kids, and she has had very little contact with the black community at all, but I think that she has turned out incredibly well adjusted and comfortable with herself and her heritage. Some things will depend on what your child looks like I suppose, but others will depend on what you want for him- and only you can decide that.

As far as the donor dad info- I think telling him is important because it's part of where he came from, but since the donor will not be in the picture I don't feel like you have any obligation to go out of your way to discuss his background/culture unless you want to or it comes up.