What to do when one parent tells child to lie to the other parent?

[Anonymous]

I come from a very dysfunctional family background, so I don't know if I'm on target in my response to this. I'm divorced. My ex told our child to lie to me about something fairly serious. This gave our daughter some anxiety and conflicted feelings, but she did end up telling me the situation. Here are my issues:

1) The situation (to be kept secret from me) was fairly serious and a violation of our child custody agreement.
2) It did not, however, put my child in any harm.
3) I don't want to betray my daughter's trust by running back to my ex and complaining about this.
4) I don't think it's healthy to specifically tell a child to lie or withhold information. It goes against my family values, and I thought it went against my ex's.

I don't know what approach to take. Do I talk to my ex about this or not? Can it be handled solely by just talking to my daughter about the situation and giving her tools to deal with the situation if it comes up again? My daughter is 10, FWIW.

Any feedback is much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. I am so sorry. I am enraged on your behalf.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your ex, but here's what I would do. Write an email. Tell him that his recent request that he ask your daughter to lie were unacceptable and caused her anxiety and conflict. I would remind him that the situation was a violation of your custody agreement. I would implore him not to mention this matter to his daughter again, that doing so would continue to put her in the middle, which is not healthy coparenting. I would implore him not to put her in the middle, and not to ask her outright or in any way, shape or form encourage her to lie, ever again. I would copy my laywer and his lawyer.

The problem with only talking to your daughter is that it places an enormous burden on her. The parents should parent here. If you do communicate with your ex and he runs to your daughter, I would consider coming up with a legally binding coparenting plan with a parent coordinator or a laywer-mediator. What your ex did was really out of line and absolutely not in your daughter's best interest.

[Anonymous]

was unacceptable. I'm sleep deprived.
Also, your instincts are right on. What he did may not have put your child in harm, but his actions to cover up his behavior did not protect her. She is dealing with a huge new reality, that her own father is asking her to do something she knows is wrong. What a terrible dilemma!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I agree it's probably too much to burden my child with this stuff, but I am concerned she'd see it as a betrayal if I told my ex I know. I am almost positive my ex would somehow reprimand or punish my daughter for "tattling."

[Anonymous]

I understand the dilemma, OP. Again, so sorry. How did your daughter present it? Did she make you promise you wouldn't tell? That's what my son's done. However, his dad was not in violation of the custody agreement. Can you hint at what he did that violates the agreement? Did it involve dating? Or safety or supervision?

[Anonymous]

P.S. My son was not instructed to lie. But he sensed I wasn't supposed to know what was going on. I eventually told his dad I knew, and asked him to communicate directly with me in the future.

[Anonymous]

OP: Depending on how old your daughter is, you could keep her confidence, implore her to keep telling you the "lies" and use it if he does it again.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your daughter, esp. if you are worried that telling your ex would result in poor treatment of your daughter

[Anonymous]

18:27 That is a terrible role for a child of divorce to play!
That's as bad as what the dad did here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I agree it's probably too much to burden my child with this stuff, but I am concerned she'd see it as a betrayal if I told my ex I know. I am almost positive my ex would somehow reprimand or punish my daughter for "tattling."

We dealt with this A LOT- my DH's ex is an alcoholic and narcotics abuser, and she would routinely ask DD to lie about things. Our psychologist advised us generally to not betray DD's confidence if the issue was not a life and safety one. Better to build trust with DD, be the open ear for her to talk to, than contribute to her getting yelled at by mom for telling things.

I think this approach has served DD well down the line- she is comfortable calling us to get picked up if she feels she is in an uncomfortable situation, and not worried about fallout between the parties. We are able to focus on her safety and have really open communication with her.

[Anonymous]

22:47 I don't know if a psychologist would advise this in all circumstances. Advice is usually contextual, and this situation, with a substance abuser, is much more extreme than others. Not knowing anything about OP's ex's reasons for lying make it hard to comment further. I think you could make the case for OP telling her ex so it puts ex on notice not to put their daughter in the middle. If OP does NOT do this now, this could become a pattern and DD would end up feeling conflicted and anxious when it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:47 I don't know if a psychologist would advise this in all circumstances. Advice is usually contextual, and this situation, with a substance abuser, is much more extreme than others. Not knowing anything about OP's ex's reasons for lying make it hard to comment further. I think you could make the case for OP telling her ex so it puts ex on notice not to put their daughter in the middle. If OP does NOT do this now, this could become a pattern and DD would end up feeling conflicted and anxious when it happened.

22:47 back- OP, you may find some type of family counseling helpful - I know we did, and DD got some great tools for dealing with challenges in an impartial environment. DD was purely the counselor's client, with the adults there for communication / information as needed, but it was really just for DD - would your ex be amenable to this? Having an impartial counselor to talk to might help your DD have some good tools to sort through some of the inherent conflict in these situations. We were able to find one who took our insurance with a fairly reasonable copay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I agree it's probably too much to burden my child with this stuff, but I am concerned she'd see it as a betrayal if I told my ex I know. I am almost positive my ex would somehow reprimand or punish my daughter for "tattling."

We dealt with this A LOT- my DH's ex is an alcoholic and narcotics abuser, and she would routinely ask DD to lie about things. Our psychologist advised us generally to not betray DD's confidence if the issue was not a life and safety one. Better to build trust with DD, be the open ear for her to talk to, than contribute to her getting yelled at by mom for telling things.

I think this approach has served DD well down the line- she is comfortable calling us to get picked up if she feels she is in an uncomfortable situation, and not worried about fallout between the parties. We are able to focus on her safety and have really open communication with her.

op, i think it depends on what kind of person your exdh is. mine is a very, very difficult person, most definitely undiagnosed borderline or narcissist, so i would take the above approach if your exdh is like this. you mention fear of retaliation, so i am inclined to agree with the above--keep lines of communication open with your daughter and be the person she can trust. if you tell exdh and the situation explodes/devolves (as it most certainly would with mine) your dd will be less likely to seek you out in the future. she needs at least one parent she can count on, kwim? very sorry that she doesn't also have a reliable father (neither does my dd)

[Anonymous]

8:05 here. I agree, counseling is ideal, especially at this age when children are more aware of their parents' dynamic. But it can be hard to get both parents to do it. And you may not always agree with the therapist! One suggested I lie to protect my ex's lies! Really, then when DC finds out I lied, what does that mean for my relationship with DC.

Anyway, there's a legal component to this. OP called the matter "fairly serious." She says it's a violation of their custody agreement. Obviously the language is in there for a reason. I wonder OP which choice protects your daughter most, confronting your ex or not? Would he really give his daughter grief for not keeping his secret?

[Anonymous]

P.S. It would be great OP if we could get a sense of this, at least in what category this falls. Safety, dating, supervision, dietary, school communication ...