Talking to your pre-teens/teens about weight

[Anonymous]

One of my DDs is overweight - you wouldn't look at her and say "that kid is obese," but you would notice she's 'chubby' or bigger than most of her 12-year-old friends. She is just starting to get interested in her appearance in other ways, but has never come out and said anything specific about her weight. Since I grew up with a weight-obsessed mom, I am very fearful of coming right out and discussing it with her. OTOH, I'm starting to feel like a more direct approach would be beneficial. Our house is not laden with junk food; I have eliminated most of it. I am an extremely healthy eater and avid exerciser so I feel like I am a very good role model for the kids. In other words, I've done what I can do without saying anything. I've tried the whole emphasis on 'healthy eating,' 'got to exercise,' but it has not really had an impact. I just wish I could figure out a good way to discuss it without making her feel bad - she's a terrific kid with a tremendous amount going for her. Anyone BTDT successfully?

[Anonymous]

When is her next checkup? Maybe the doctor can discuss her weight and height in a more neutral, scientific way? Point out the percentile, etc. My son's pediatrician did so several years ago. Also, not clear on how your healthy eating doesn't have some impact on her, at least at home. Do you talk about empty calories, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Where is the weight coming from if not your home? What does she eat at school. Is she involved in any sport or does she play outside actively regularly. I struggle with my weight. And I mean struggle. I hate exercise. I have really worked on my eating over the past few years. I talk openly with my daughter about my own struggle. My daughter is 9. One of the kids in her afterschool program told her that I was fat. When she told me, I said I agreed, I am fat. And then I talked with her about how I got this way and what I am trying to do about it. I told her that because I am fat, I am trying to make sure that she knows how not to be fat because I didn't and when I learned, I didn't like it. We are going to start a couple of organized sporting programs this year and she is very excited that they are all girls programs. So she will have more exercise. And frankly, this is super inconvenient for me since I work FT and does my husband so we have to make sure we have transportation lined up for her to get to and from her activities, but I think it is important at this age so we are making it happen. My husband is also taking her to a dance class at the gym each weekend that she loves. So we are both in on the message.

[Anonymous]

go work out with your child.

[Anonymous]

OP,
This sentence is key: In other words, I've done what I can do without saying anything.
Your letting your bad childhood experience with your mother compromise your parenting. You've got to find a way to talk. I suggested the checkup, having the doctor discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Get her involved in some sort of physical activity. Why/how is she fat? Where is she getting the food?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my DDs is overweight - you wouldn't look at her and say "that kid is obese," but you would notice she's 'chubby' or bigger than most of her 12-year-old friends. She is just starting to get interested in her appearance in other ways, but has never come out and said anything specific about her weight. Since I grew up with a weight-obsessed mom, I am very fearful of coming right out and discussing it with her. OTOH, I'm starting to feel like a more direct approach would be beneficial. Our house is not laden with junk food; I have eliminated most of it. I am an extremely healthy eater and avid exerciser so I feel like I am a very good role model for the kids. In other words, I've done what I can do without saying anything. I've tried the whole emphasis on 'healthy eating,' 'got to exercise,' but it has not really had an impact. I just wish I could figure out a good way to discuss it without making her feel bad - she's a terrific kid with a tremendous amount going for her. Anyone BTDT successfully?

Some with thin or average moms really tank up at school - multiple deserts at lunch and in homeroom when people bring baked goods.

Don't worry about her weight since it's possible you are not aware of the body types for her current / future peer groups. Or the older girls if she's at a private school. There are many extremely social girls that I would consider heavy in the private school universe.

[Anonymous]

I was overweight as a child and I wish my mom would have just said " You are eating too much of the wrong foods and not exercising enough. You need to change it bc its not healthy. Together, let's think of what can be done to change this" and then because I was young, I would have liked my mom to help me follow through.

Instead what she did was ignore it or drop statements about me being pleasingly plump or some other round about ways. It made me feel worse and I didn't feel like I could approach her for real help on the issue so I struggled with doing crash diets that results in quick weight loss followed by weight gain and over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was overweight as a child and I wish my mom would have just said " You are eating too much of the wrong foods and not exercising enough. You need to change it bc its not healthy. Together, let's think of what can be done to change this" and then because I was young, I would have liked my mom to help me follow through.

Instead what she did was ignore it or drop statements about me being pleasingly plump or some other round about ways. It made me feel worse and I didn't feel like I could approach her for real help on the issue so I struggled with doing crash diets that results in quick weight loss followed by weight gain and over and over.

Thanks for posting this, pp. I'll remember your words.

[Anonymous]

OP here - My ped didn't say anything at this year's checkup because her percentiles have remained constant for a while. She plays two sports in the fall and spring, and I send her to a school where there is P.E. every day. She is definitely on the sedentary side, though, despite this. It's much easier to monitor what your kids are eating when they're younger. Now that she's out in the world more, she gets to make more choices. She likes food - she's not a huge snacker but she's the kind of kid who puts a lot on her plate and goes back for more. Or, if we have guests over, she'll sit at the chips and salsa (or whatever) and just eat a ton without even thinking about it. Just today my eldest DD told me to shut up about exercising! I guess I'm a broken record on the subject and annoying. I just always assumed that if you didn't forbid food (like I was as a kid) it wouldn't become an issue. Unfortunately, she obviously doesn't have a great metabolism. It just pains me to see her with the other kids her age - they're almost all teeny and she's not. She's not built to be teeny, but she is overweight and I would like to see her to at least stabilize her weight and grow a few more inches!

[Anonymous]

Has she had her first period yet? Girls often put on a little "extra" weight about that time and then grow into the weigh. You don't want her to restrict too much or else she'll compromise her height potential.

[Anonymous]

It's not unusual for girls this age to go through a pudgy phase. Your comments are more about her looks ("chubby" vs. her "teeny" friends) and, frankly, that sounds like her health may not be what's bothering you. Honestly, at this age, you can no longer control what she eats or how much. Make sure there's no junk food in the house and model healthy attitudes yourself.

Unlike PPs, I had a mom who felt it was her job to make sure that I made healthy choices--unfortunately, at this age, it just made me want to rebel, and I went through a very unhealthy phase where I refused to exercise, since I couldn't each a carrot without my mom going on and on about what a good choice that was, or take a walk without her "positive reinforcement." I'd focus on encouraging her to do what she enjoys. If she's already in a few sports, you know she's not going to be perpetually lounging around. Instead of making it about what you want "I'm worried you don't get enough exercise" Make it about her, "Can you teach me more about lacrosse? I could help you practice, and then I'd really enjoy your games even more!"

[Anonymous]

PP, I appreciate your insights. You are right that my concerns aren't about her health (which is fine) but about her appearance. Having once been the fat kid I don't want that for her. It's hard for me to remain silent about food and exercise, but I'm going to try it and see what happens. If things don't improve then I think I should just have an honest conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a really thoughtful mother. Some questions/suggestions:

1) Do you cook at home? Does DD help out with cooking?

2) For meals, you should use smaller plates and plate out with good portions of veggies, some starch, and some protein. Food research has suggested that the higher fat/calorie items should be plated from the kitchen, but that you should keep family style, self-serve veggies, salad, and fruit.

3) You didn't define what "extremely" healthy meant for you. But, I hope that DD is receiving enough good fats and high quality proteins from mostly unprocessed food (at least at home).

4) Does DD eat breakfast every morning? She should have some protein, fat, and carbs before leaving for school (not just skim milk and dry cereal). Egg sandwiches, PB and J, oatmeal with walnuts, eg.

5) Does she compare herself to her thin friends? Do you comment on them? Does her sister or father? These might affect her adversely.

6) Do you keep scales in your home? Avoid them.

7) 12 is still quite young. She has still to have a growth spurt, right? I might want to talk to the ped and see what she has to say about DD's weight before you do anything.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am a complete failure at this whole issue. DS at 10 is overweight although he is athletic and likes to play sports.

I don't provide unhealthy food (no junk in my house) but he eats A LOT and self-comforts with food.

As a person whose overweight has turned to obesity in recent years, I have so many conflicting feelings and so much anger about the whole issue, and sometimes I know I make him feel exposed or ashamed.

I just feel so overwhelmed having to deal with my issue and think about his -- I don't know how to help him and I transfer a lot of my feelings about myself to him.