do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?

[Anonymous]

I've been catching DD 8 lying somewhat regularly, they're relatively little things, but I don't like the pattern of behavior. But yesterday I called her out and she dug in deeper and the argument went for far longer than it needed to and I just don't feel good about the incident.
We were reading in my room before bed, I noticed her lip was cracking and dry and i told her to go grab the Vaseline in my bathroom and put some on. She went in the bathroom came out and said, ok I put some on. At the time I remember thinking her lip looks exactly the same. An hour later I was looking for the Vaseline in question myself and couldn't find it in the bathroom, and then I remembered that DH had taken it downstairs the night before. This morning I was helping her get ready and I recounted the story to her and asked her why she lied about such a small thing. Instead of admitting it, she decided to lie again and said I thought you said something else. I said, what'd you think I said. She said, thought you said to go brush my teeth. That lie didn't even make any sense obviously... why would she brush her teeth in my bathroom. Then we argued about that lie and it just became a bigger deal than intended and everyone went to work/school in a bad mood.
I just wonder if I should have handled this differently. I do put a premium on honesty and have always said so to the kids. Other times I've caught her lying are things like, she'll tell us, her brother said he hates me, when he said nothing of the sort and when called out she'll admit he didn't. Things like that. Kind of small, but the pattern is bothersome. DD personality-wise is more "oppositional" than average, I think. So the lying seems almost like a gut reaction more than anything she's doing consciously.

[Anonymous]

It's her decision whether she wants to moisturize her lips. Why are you making such a big deal of this?

[Anonymous]

You "caught her lying" about whether she put vaseline on her lips. Is this for real?

[Anonymous]

Ignore PP, it's obviously not about the vaseline.

I remember doing this at the same age, and my own DS-8 does the same sometimes. I usually will make a quiet statement demonstrating the facts "I noticed that the vaseline was downstairs last night, not in the bathroom. Did you use a different vaseline jar last night? [DD lies and says yes] Oh. Interesting." With a long knowing look.

I have always told my son that I see everything, so I try not to make a big deal about calling him out on small lies. I'll find a way to let him know I'm onto him without confrontation.

I think there's something about this age where they try to push boundaries and see what they can get away with. Not all matters are worth pursuing with a heavy hand.

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t care about white lies and don’t call them out.

[Anonymous]

I don't make a big deal about it. I'll usually crack a joke about it, so my DD knows that I know and I'm not an idiot but I just let it go. This is such a small issue...she didn't feel like dealing with Vaseline so she lied. And then she didn't want to get in trouble for lying so she lied again.

[Anonymous]

Like other PPs, I let my kids know that I know and then leave it at that. (For small white lies.)

[Anonymous]

Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs said, tell her you knew it and leave it at that.

Sometimes white lies are a way to avoid confrontation. Ever since I was a kid I don't like to put on skin products. My mother would put lotion on me and I would squirm and cringe. Let's assume your daughter is like that, would she start a fight about not putting on Vaseline? Or she just lie and get this issue over with?

My mother watched me like a hawk when I was young and nothing escapes her. As a result I got a habit of lying starting around 7-8. I am not blaming your daughter's behavior on you, but reflect to see if her lying has some cause to it. and next time just say "your lip is dry, maybe you should put on vaseline" and leave it at that, don't make her to put on vaseline if she doesn't want to. It's her body after all.

[Anonymous]

My DD does this. It's not about the Vaseline. That's just an example. It's also about making the bed, taking a shower, brushing the teeth, putting clothes and toys away, and my favorite doing homework! She lies about all of it. So I have to check everything myself to verify. It's frustrating. She'll say "yep, homework all done" but then I will go into her backpack and say what about this or that? She'll say "Oh I forgot" or "That's not actually due tomorrow" both not true, which I will find out later. It's a problem, that's for sure. And there aren't really consequences that she cares about. I have no advice, just sympathy. But, she has ADHD and we haven't found a medication that works. She just doesn't do what she doesn't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.

This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.

This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"

Your DC argues with every little thing? I wonder where she could get it from?

[Anonymous]

Every lie is a big deal in our house, it degrades trust. Why would I let some lies slide and not others? It’s much easier to be black and white on this issue.. we don’t lie.

By age 8, it’s a calm conversation about trust and how the more I trust is them, the more freedoms they have. If I can’t trust them to do small things I ask, how can I possibly trust them with big things? If they want to do big-kid stuff, I need to trust them.

And I explain how it’s hard to build trust and easy to lose.. so it’s really not worth losing trust with these little lies. If she didn’t want to do the Vaseline, she should have just said so instead of lying. In which case I would have dropped it and not made her put it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.

This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"

Your DC argues with every little thing? I wonder where she could get it from?

Sorry your advice is bad. You must be new at this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.

This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"

I feel if the toothbrush is wet. I say show me your homework. I'm sure my kids do lie to me but I'm always secretly checking up on stuff. Trust but verify kind of a thing