Parent behavior during my pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Since childhood my parents have always been a little pushy about needing to get their way on everything. Normally I would just give in as I was used to it and it was exhausting putting up boundaries or telling them no. They're also very bad at communicating, so rather than asking "could you do X for us?" they just try to manipulate situations into happening the way they want them to. If I bring up stuff that bothers me, they immediately get defensive, my mom loses her temper, and starts attacking me on all sorts of unrelated topics. They only want to talk about work/weather/how busy they are.

When I got married 4 years ago it started to become an issue. My husband put up with A LOT of their behavior, but I think they maybe sensed I was starting to grow a backbone and transition from daughter to wife/potential mother and they just tried to tighten their grip on me further. It caused a lot of conflict with them and periods of no/low-contact. They have said many extremely hurtful things to both me and my husband. In order to restart contact they have repeatedly made promises to be kinder, more respectful, and more self-aware. Promises which they have repeatedly broken.

In July I became pregnant. We were low contact with my parents at that point. I announced to my family group chat and hoped maybe this would be the news that causes them to actually change their behavior like they promised. Instead, they called to say congrats and hung up. The call lasted maybe 90 seconds. They spent the next ~4 months completely ignoring me their pregnant daughter. There was a family event in October, a few days before they reached out seeming like they genuinely wanted to reconnect and turn over a new leaf. We had superficial conversation at the event and it seemed like things were going better.

At the event my mom lied to my face about something. I didn't know it at the time. She also said "you can tell me anything that bothers you". I brought up the lying to her afterwards over text. In response they left 3 angry voicemails berating me and my husband. I texted them that the things they said cannot be unsaid and I did not want to hear from them anymore.

The next day they sent me a $10 plastic ornament that had bad reviews on Amazon as our Christmas gift. Not to sound ungrateful but it felt like they had intentionally bought something crappy. A few days after they managed to find our baby registry URL likely via a cousin. I didn't broadcast it out to my small family but gave the link to anyone who asked. They bought a car seat. Both gifts had gift notes were written in this icky way of the baby being equally entire family's news/development and not us as the parents.

Has anyone dealt with parents like this? Does it get better or worse over time? I am sad that this is how I'm being treated by my parents during my first pregnancy, and I do want "happy extended family" memories over Christmas and Thanksgiving even if they're superficial. At the same time, it is stressful for me and I don't think it's fair to drag my husband through this level of craziness.

[Anonymous]

When people show you who they are, believe them. You have a fresh start creating a new family. Put your focus on that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure people have dealt with something similar, but TBH a lot of this sounds like it's been built up over the years and is now a petty scorekeeping exercise. I mean, you looked up the reviews of the ornament on Amazon? That's a little beyond.

You and your husband should talk about reasonable boundaries and keep them, but try to let some things roll off your back. Ultimately, they are your parents. Do you want them around or not?

[Anonymous]

It's not going to get better. Set your boundaries. Hold firm.

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy to learn how to establish and keep boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people show you who they are, believe them. You have a fresh start creating a new family. Put your focus on that.

This.

Leave the drama behind, stay cordial when needed, keep the relationship distant for the sake of your marriage and your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Nip it in the bud now. Hold firm to your boundaries. Don’t hold out hope they will ever be better. Accept that you are likely better off without them. Treat them with polite distance as a distant relative. I’m sorry it’s tough to accept but important to protect your own family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not going to get better. Set your boundaries. Hold firm.

This is the only correct answer.

And you have to learn to ignore they're mean comments, and to block them (literally) when they harass you. They can only make you feel as bad as you let them. My father was like this and said horrible, horrible things to me. At some point I realized the problem was him, no me. So I stopped responding and when he issued his threats, ultimatums, or namecalled, I just would say "well, that's up to you if you feel that way but I'm doing XXXX. . . . " Until I finally just ended the relationship. It's been 25 years.

I don't mourn him as he is not a nice person. Not a kind person. Not a person I would have chosen as a parent, friend, anything. But I see friends and the relationships they have with their parents, and I mourn the parent I wanted but never had. And I will never have.

[Anonymous]

Let go of these grudges you’re holding.

[Anonymous]

I love you and send you hugs and think you are in the right because you wrote "I became pregnant." If you wrote "we" I would think you are a high Goop maintenance kind of person.

[Anonymous]

You are just like your parents. Many kids who are exposed to abusive emotional patterns develop the same patterns. Find CBT to help you prior to becoming a high-needs parent(emotionally immature) to your child!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they have control issues, but you're not easygoing either. Bottom line is you have a newnlife to focus on, do that. Your parents WILL NOT get better because of this baby. The best you could hope for likely is them respecting your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My mom could write the book on emotional manipulation. Get therapy NOW. Cutting my mom off was hard. I felt so guilty and struggled and that was with therapy. My sister was a lot like you in that she kept engaging with her and then getting upset when my mom proved time and time again that she wouldn't change. It nearly ended in my sister's divorce when my mom started emotionally manipulating her son. My BIL came to my house begging me to get through to her. Thankfully I think when being hit with that reality, my sister also got therapy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they’re bad but so are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since childhood my parents have always been a little pushy about needing to get their way on everything. Normally I would just give in as I was used to it and it was exhausting putting up boundaries or telling them no. They're also very bad at communicating, so rather than asking "could you do X for us?" they just try to manipulate situations into happening the way they want them to. If I bring up stuff that bothers me, they immediately get defensive, my mom loses her temper, and starts attacking me on all sorts of unrelated topics. They only want to talk about work/weather/how busy they are.

When I got married 4 years ago it started to become an issue. My husband put up with A LOT of their behavior, but I think they maybe sensed I was starting to grow a backbone and transition from daughter to wife/potential mother and they just tried to tighten their grip on me further. It caused a lot of conflict with them and periods of no/low-contact. They have said many extremely hurtful things to both me and my husband. In order to restart contact they have repeatedly made promises to be kinder, more respectful, and more self-aware. Promises which they have repeatedly broken.

In July I became pregnant. We were low contact with my parents at that point. I announced to my family group chat and hoped maybe this would be the news that causes them to actually change their behavior like they promised. Instead, they called to say congrats and hung up. The call lasted maybe 90 seconds. They spent the next ~4 months completely ignoring me their pregnant daughter. There was a family event in October, a few days before they reached out seeming like they genuinely wanted to reconnect and turn over a new leaf. We had superficial conversation at the event and it seemed like things were going better.

At the event my mom lied to my face about something. I didn't know it at the time. She also said "you can tell me anything that bothers you". I brought up the lying to her afterwards over text. In response they left 3 angry voicemails berating me and my husband. I texted them that the things they said cannot be unsaid and I did not want to hear from them anymore.

The next day they sent me a $10 plastic ornament that had bad reviews on Amazon as our Christmas gift. Not to sound ungrateful but it felt like they had intentionally bought something crappy. A few days after they managed to find our baby registry URL likely via a cousin. I didn't broadcast it out to my small family but gave the link to anyone who asked. They bought a car seat. Both gifts had gift notes were written in this icky way of the baby being equally entire family's news/development and not us as the parents.

Has anyone dealt with parents like this? Does it get better or worse over time? I am sad that this is how I'm being treated by my parents during my first pregnancy, and I do want "happy extended family" memories over Christmas and Thanksgiving even if they're superficial. At the same time, it is stressful for me and I don't think it's fair to drag my husband through this level of craziness.

When we were in a different state waiting to find out if we were going to become adoptive parents or not, my mom chose to burden us with her back pain issues. When we told her the baby was born, she was like "yes, you told me". She didn't come see the baby. We weren't allowed to travel out of state to see her until everything was finlaized in court. contrast this to her smothering my sister with so much attention when she became a mom. so, yeah.

Are you the more responsible one out of your sibs? that could be why.